Friday, August 12, 2011

You can only go forward

I've spent most of my life regretting the past. Tonight I saw an old friend who I haven't seen in two years. Things just weren't the same between us. It became obvious that we had gotten older. There is nothing wrong with that, its the way of life. I still adore this person and plan to be friends for a long time. I just have to start living for today and tomorrow only. The past is gone no matter how desperately I want it back. Some days when I am feeling low I play the what would I do different game. I imagine waking up, knowing what I know now, when I was any number of ages. You aren't supposed to regret so many things. I know the amount to which I do it is unhealthy, I just don't quite know how to stop. Wanna get skinnier, you eat less and move more. I know that that is the solution, no ifs ands or buts. But how do you change something like that? How do you change a thought, a mental way of living, not just a physical one. There is no obvious solution to me. Instead of cherishing what the future will bring to our friendship, I mourn those times I remember. I miss being in college, I wish I had cherished it more then. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. Ugh, its such a load on my shoulders.

The past also looms over even the good things. We went to Chuy's for dinner. I amazed myself. I knew I wanted to enjoy myself and focus on portions instead of sticking with the I have to eat a salad mantra. This has to be live-able, I need to focus on the addiction, not just the nutrition facts of everything I put in my mouth. That means eating something I want but doing it the right way. I'm not gonna eat a salad at every meal. Its just not realistic. So the first amazing thing is I had one (yes one, singular, uno, solitary) chip with creamy jalapeno dip. I had the Friday special enchiladas, this means (dare I say it) a cream sauce and flour tortillas. But (drum-roll please) I had the vegetarian enchiladas. There was a little cheese but it was packed with veggies too. You should have seen my friends face when I said vegetarian (he lived with me so he's not unaware of my eating habits). It was worth skipping the extra cheese or beef just seeing his face. I quickly assured him that I am no vegetarian.. I only ate one and a half of the enchiladas and a couple bites of beans and rice. I really wanted more but I was feeling satisfied. Oh the cruelty of not getting to feel stuffed! It just doesn't feel fair. But all I could think of was the past, the failures, the restarts, the do-overs, the dietary mulligans. Not only can I not believe I can change, It seems that I believe that my past dictates my future.

So as I was driving home, I mentioned to my other friend about how it was different seeing this friend again. I ended .up saying "You can only go forward, there is no going back." When I said it, I meant it in a very sad melancholy way but then I began to think about what that sentence meant to my quest to deal with my food addiction. I can't go back, this is what I weigh today, this is where my addiction has gotten me. Then I thought, I don't have to go back, there is only forward, which means I haven't failed yet. Those mistakes, those failures are yesterdays failures and they don't exist anymore. I exist here, this very moment, and right now my stomach feels empty because I made the right choices at dinner. And I can only go forward from here, I choose. I choose. I choose.

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