How does one go from a veggie wrap for lunch to downing chocolate chips before bed? Addiction is a cruel mind game. I know how the aftermath feels yet my mind convinces me that the pizza and the chocolate are necessary for survival. How can I actually believe that I won't make it without it? I was so very close to not blogging tonight. I wanted to sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. But they say that you are only as sick as your secrets. I won't deny that I have a problem anymore. I don't want to hide in my bed and cry. I want to make sure that I wake tomorrow with a plan and know that I can keep going, that I can finally change my life and the way I think. I've been faced with a lot of temptation this month. I have resisted a lot of it. This weekend I failed. The trick is to remember that that does not mean that I am a failure. One choice does not erase the choices before or doom the ones ahead. I've read so many blogs and my first instinct is to feel sorry for myself that so many others did better than me this weekend. I turn positives into negatives. It seems to be the way my mind works. But I don't want to do that. I will take strength from these people. People who know the struggle and who fight like me. I have not been knocked down. I just have finally reached the trenches, where you stick it out and keep fighting no matter how grim it feels.
But making the choice for honesty can be embarrassing. But I know, I know this is good for me. And maybe it will be good for someone who reads this. Here is what I ate today.. (UGHHH!)
Whole wheat tortilla, turkey, cheese, light mayo, broccoli, carrots, purple cabbage,
4 bites of chocolate cake, mini reeses peanut butter cup, 2 slices of thin crust Pizza Hut pizza, 8-10 Hershey's kisses, 4 or 5 handfuls of chocolate chips.
This is my reality. This is what I put in my body today. I make no excuses and I refuse to feel pity for myself. I am a food addict. This is part of my truth, but it does not have to define me or my future. HEB produce department, I'll see you in the morning.
Are you living with someone else or is it just you? I can't remember--but if I recall, you live with your parents, right? Are you planning on moving out anytime soon?
ReplyDeleteThe best I can equate this to is an alcoholic being forced to live in a bar and just drink water. If you have junk around you, you're going to eat it, at some point.
I live with a cousin but not for much longer. Soon I will be living with my mother who has a chocolate habit. She acts like she is excited about changing her eating habits too but we'll see. Luckily the junk food around was only temporary.
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck! Congrats on taking steps forward. For me, I still eat candy and chocolate here and there but I'm still proud of the progress I've been making. Trying to be perfect is to set yourself up for failure.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried eating some high quality dark (and I mean a super high cacao percentage!) chocolate when you're craving? It is such a craving killer! Let me know if it works for you.