Friday, December 30, 2011

Underselling

Someone recently told me that I undersell myself. I stammered with a million denials because its not part of my nature to believe that I might actually be worth something. I'm supposed to believe that I have a lot to offer as friend, partner, family member, citizen, etc. I can tell you what's wrong with me all day long, but don't ask me to tell you what's great about me or my life. So how can I wake up tomorrow believing the best about myself, that I'm really worth loving? I know that I can be funny and that I'm really smart but thats about it. I've been trained to think that I'm not good enough. I'm terrified of dating because I fear that no one will want me or that someone will be quick to tell him what a big mistake he is making. I don't feel valued and I don't feel worth much. I know that not feeling valued comes a lot from my own perceptions of what people think of me. That's part of the reason I'm so non-confrontational. I don't fight because I know they can come back with a lot of bad things to say about me. I also have to remember that very few people get told how great they are. I also know that I have to find some way to not care so much about what other people think about me. I just don't know how to turn that off. I know so many people who honestly don't care what other people think about them. They are open to advice and aren't closed off but if someone doesn't like them or what they are doing, they just don't care. I spend so much time editing my words and my actions to make sure no one disapproves or is unhappy with me. It's actually quite exhausting. Hmmm, I guess I hadn't really thought about that enough. If no one is trying at all to make me happy or comfortable, why do I work so hard to make them comfortable. Knowing that my family loves me doesn't mean I have to make sure I'm worth their love all the time. Go away inner monologue. It's time to change my thoughts and my perceptions. Ummm.... can anyone tell me how to do that?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Positive Influences

So much going through my mind. Forgive me if I go all incoherent on you. Perspective is everything. EVERYTHING. I adore my family, love love love, but positivity and open loving conversation is not really a number one priority. I got to spend time with some family members I don't get to see as much. I got encouragement and a perspective, while completely honest, made me feel valued in a way I haven't really felt lately. It made me feel excited about moving forward in this little life of mine. I worry way too much about what other people think about me. I worry about other peoples standards and perceptions of me. But I have to also admit that some of the negative feelings I get from others are my own fears projected on them. How I see others seeing me is often flawed. I need to find a life that is mine, a life that I want, no matter what anyone thinks about it. Number one, find a church where I fit in, with absolutely no consideration of whether anyone in my family will approve. A place for me. And maybe, just maybe, he is there waiting for me.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Post holiday reality

The holidays are pretty much over. I am excited for the new year. I'm in a completely different place than I was last year. But I still have just as many questions. And the reality is that the real world is still spinning and I don't have the holidays to pin my "I'll wait til"'s on. But I think thats a good thing. I want to find a way to start living. I want to go toward something for myself. I want to look forward to myself, not just another persons party or a holiday or anything I haven't set in motion myself.

That means I have to start taking things seriously. But the hardest part is drawing that line between serious and obsessive maniacal perfectionism. That road only ever leads to a massive implosion. But I can't use that as an excuse to not face up to the fact that I have to start exercising, eating right, and most importantly doing those things while dealing with the addiction that always destroys my best intentions. I have to be ACTIVE in every aspect of my life. I have to start dating, I have to get up and exercise, I have to make decisions about how I want to make money for the future. I feel safer when I just let life happen to me. But that isn't living. It's existing. The can of soup on my shelf is existing. I do about as much as that can of soup. At least it's low in fat.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Eve observations

1. I'm a whiny narcissistic beotch who needs to think about the real meaning of the holidays.
2. Watching a 4 year old open presents is way more fun than opening your own.
3. I have to accept the fact that I have trouble listening to bad singing no matter what the spirit or intent. I won't apologize for years of training and hard work. It's like eating velveeta after going to France and eating a handcrafted aged masterpiece. It's not a judgement. I'm glad you feel the spirit and feel the need to sing your faith. I just can't pretend that it sounds ok.
4. I like tradition. I love an awesome guitar riff, but on Christmas Eve I need candles, a hymn book, and an organ and I'd like to sing Silent Night the same way I've sung it since I was old enough to sing it.
5. I you don't think tiny bunny slippers are adorable, you have no soul.
6. Someone always has a present that everyone wants to play with. This year it just happens to be a camera made for children.
7. Waiting to open presents can cause a 7 year old to have what seems like a very real panic attack.
8. There comes a time when you have to learn to love the holidays in a new way. Christmas will never be as great as it was when I was a kid and thats ok.
9. I love little curly haired 4 year olds in their Christmas dress.
10. Anne Murray's christmas album is the greatest christmas album ever.

The haves and the have-nots

I'm getting really tired of being glad that each year is finally over. I realize how grim that may sound but its also humblingly true. I'm so very ready for 2011 to be finished. I really need 2012 to go well. Last night the first big holiday family dinner was had. I got to hear about my 22 year old cousins new job. The job where she got a new Ipad for Christmas. I just sat there hoping no one would ask me about my life. Then we went over to E's to watch a movie. I saw my cousins new Ipad, my aunt's new christmas gift (a tablet), and my cousin D's google tablet. I am so tired of fighting jealousy. I'll never get how some people learn to not want things. Maybe I'm just a product of a materialistic family with means to indulge. I'm so tired of having nothing to show for myself. I want to rise above my own self-pity. I realize I need to do that. I'm totally aware. But how does one really do that? How do I genuinely enjoy my small meager holiday get while watching American consumerism in action?

I want to start volunteering. I NEED to start volunteering. It's become obvious that I have my place in this family.  I'm a have-not in my family. I am total have in the grand scheme of life. I don't like the other end of the spectrum where I have crushing guilt for not feeling grateful for my incredible blessings. If we are talking sheer numbers, then statistically, globally speaking, I am incredibly rich. But it gets so very hard to remember over the holidays. My family is financially successful. They are going to shower themselves in gifts. I'm going to have to accept that. Maybe I could just remember that Christmas is actually about something. Hmmm.. it's definitely an idea

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Is it Christmas Yet?

Seriously, how am I already exhausted about the holidays. It's probably a little too much cabin fever. Maybe. I don't know. I'm trying to be the good daughter and I know I could probably do more for my mom but after a week of momsitting I get irritated at just about everything she does. I know she can't really do anything yet and she doesn't ask for much but every time she calls my name I want to scream. My own name has turned into a 4 letter word. Went to see Sherlock Holmes with E today. It was nice to get out of the house. The movie was really good. There was some classical music in there that made me wish I had a music friend there to laugh about it with. But now mom has invited my aunt over. A church lady brought us a casserole and a salad but apparently now that my aunt is coming I'm supposed to add something to it. I thought the whole point was that I didn't have to cook!!! Ack!! No big deal right? I really know it shouldn't be but I guess I'm just in a cranky mood. I wanted to curl up in bed and watch How I Met Your Mother until I passed out. Now I have to entertain and clean up the inevitable dishes. Boo!

I really hope I get a good night's sleep tonight. I have to make Christmas cookies tomorrow which normally I'm pretty stoked about. Hopefully I wake up in a better mood. I'm ready for Saturday. Actually I don't think I'm ready for any of it. Well not today anyway. Here's to tomorrow!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Laziness becomes her

So I've been home bound taking care of my mother after surgery. I'm starting to get a little  bored but instead of getting off my butt and maybe getting my heart rate up, I'm doing everything in my power to do nothing. This is a tragic habit I've had all my life. And now I really have to stay home. For real doh. Seriously.

And since I'm not in school I don't have any long standing subject to research or a paper to start mulling over. I finally picked songs for my students. This leaves me with nothing I really have to do. Wow. It's been soooo long since that has happened. Now I should start some projects. I have a mountain of boxes in the garage that need to be gone through and stacked properly and it wouldn't kill me to shave my legs. This is Texas where it's too warm to even attempt at a good excuse for hairy legs. New fashion statement? Hmm I think not.

Can I say how ready I am for the holidays to get done with? There aren't really any presents (excepting my one family gift and the gc in the mail from Dad)  or a stocking this year so I'm just really trying to keep my head down and pretend it never happened.It's really Christmas Eve and Christmas morning I'm ready to be done with. I try to thank the Lord for my blessings. All in all, I have a great life. But when you have to watch for 30 minutes while aunts, uncles, and cousins regale each other with dozens of gifts, it takes all my power to convince myself that I don't need or want that stuff. But I am a coveter at heart and the excess of my richer family members really does a lot to ruin the holiday for me. At least E provides a lot of booze. Hopefully I can be drunk by then and can concentrate on my buzz instead. Judge me if you will, but I have no shame in admitting the use of alcohol to numb the reality of the empty section under the tree where my presents would be if I had a rich parent or a family of my own. I will suck it up and enjoy the presents I do get. But finally Christmas dinner will come.  I have three dishes and two different desserts to make. That I can contribute and be a part of fully. I don't have a great many skills but baking is one of them. And then I will get to see my sister in law and my brother. This is going to be the best part. My sister in law is really my Christmas gift this year. I can't wait to get out the board games and get crazy. I miss her terribly and I'm so ready to see her.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Hope for a Day

Hope, its a feeling I haven't had for awhile. But today I felt some happiness and some hope. Bout damn time. I finally filled out some job applications and the holidays are nearing so I don't have anywhere I really have to be. I've been helping my mom after her surgery and its been nice to feel useful. Short post but a post nonetheless.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

My brain feels like a big ball of lint. Lots of feelings, lots of ideas, very few complete sentences. So how does that translate to a meaningful blog post? Well, I don't know if it really will. But I know its better to get things out. It's like some scientific psychological fact or something. But when what's inside is just a muck of self pity, fear, and the extreme urge to do nothing then I'm just going to have to wing it.

Today was, well, a day. I didn't conquer any mountains or have any life changing "Ah Ha!"s. I'm just trying to cope. Trying to be honest with myself about what needs to come next. Well, a job application is a good place to start. I guess this blog could really be titled. "If I type long enough about wanting to get better will I actually fill a job application out." Too wordy? Probably.

I didn't go crazy with the eating and if I need something to pin a hope in today I guess I could say that I resisted the urge to buy ice cream. Now let me make sure to highlight that this was no ordinary ice cream. This was Bluebell on sale for $4.99. This might be your "Ah ha!" moment. I read a list yesterday about what is great about Texas. Bluebell ice cream was on this list and rightly so. It's probably been single-handedly responsible for the Texas size derriere of many a Texan. Yes, it IS that good. Sorry about ya'll who don't get it in your area. Well it's probably better for you anyway to be far away from its deliciousness.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Time to wake up

One sometimes hopes that if you just keep going deeper within yourself that you will find a place to rest. That maybe for one minute your life will hit pause and you can breathe. I've been going deeper and deeper creating a shell of a person. I don't call people because I feel I have nothing to say. I've come to a halt and I guess I keep hoping the answers will show up on  my doorstep. But, alas, the truth is a much uglier thing. Life is meant to be lived on the outside. Distractions aren't enough to create a life with. A husband and a job won't come looking for me if I'm in  this world of my own. I guess you could say that depression has gotten too depressing even for me.

So what now? It's become apparent that I don't have anyone that is going to sweep in and force me to help myself. My best friend in the whole world is doing the absolute best she can but I can feel her words bouncing right off me. The wall I've put up has too many layers now. So for now lets just cut to the chase, just the facts ma'am.

I feel like I have nothing. I spent years and years on a career that I've abandoned. I know that it was the right choice. The consequences have been a lot to deal with but the sense of relief alone was enough to know I made the right choice. I could whine and complain and say that I don't want to work, which would not be untrue. But pretending that I'm going to win the lottery is too flagrant even for me. But the question comes to what do I want to do. I've enjoyed teaching voice lessons and I actually can say I believe I'm going to be pretty good at it eventually, but once again the arts don't offer much in the way of stability. I think its time to go into the medical field. I know some of my hesitation is knowing that I put a lot of work into music to feel at ease turning down a completely new road. There is also that fear of accidently killing someone (but being the diligent person that I am I know that that is a rather unreasonable excuse). So now its time to decide what I'm going to spend another 2 years learning *le sigh*

Then there is the ever present elephant in the room. And sadly I'm not speaking metaphorically. I have latched on to food like a back alley boozer. I know in my heart I need to go to an OA meeting. As they say, I  must admit that I have become powerless over food. It rules my mind. It's become the answer to all my problems, a constant distraction to cope with the feeling of powerlessness in my wreckage of adulthood. But one is too many and a million is never enough. There is no real satisfaction in it but like a cancer it has spread throughout my body.

There is so much I want and it all seems so very far away but I've found hope in having the strength to write it down. At least for today.