Friday, June 20, 2014

First steps again

I remember this feeling from the first time. The shuffling of the brain, the sense of things ordering, a small space of quiet in my head. The ideas continue to bloom as they always do, but the edge has come off of the obsessions. I have a sense to get this moment down, as I can't be sure of the memories I hold of the last time. The last time I started ADHD meds.

It's called Strattera. It's an norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Classy right? The last time I took it, it seemed a miracle to me. I worry that this memory is too stained by the circumstances around it. That I have made it better in my memory than it actually was. I was in a horrible place. Alone and adrift surrounded by people and places that meant nothing to me and I meant little to them. I had pushed myself, berated myself so hard into getting to this place I thought I wanted. And then it all crumbled. I had clawed my way up to the top of a hill but it took all I had. I know now that I had to be stripped of all these things to finally face myself and ask for help. I had to accept that my being weird wasn't simply a state of mind but a mere side effect of a brain that was fundamentally different. I was broken and torn into all my small pieces. So I laid down and asked for help. I asked for better living through pharmaceuticals. I was ready to try anything, do anything to escape from the prison that was my own mind.

Then there she was, sitting so calm and peaceful, my angel of psychiatry. She opened a door, illuminated my whole life and all I've struggled with. Four letters made my entire existence make sense; A.D.H.D. I wasn't just lazy and I wasn't a loser. I was a victim of a silent inner war. I was really strong and brave and a fighter.

Then there it was, that little pill, so small and dainty in my hand. What could I lose? It certainly couldn't get worse. At that point, I would have traded the rest of my life for a week of peace. I wish I could say that I was exaggerating, that I could downplay how desperate I was to live a different life, be a different person. And it worked. I could meditate. I could study. I could get out of bed. I could have just a little ice cream and not the whole gallon. I saw a person I could be. I saw a future.

Then there I was, mercifully graduated. I didn't have any money. I didn't have a job. I didn't have insurance. My mind slipped back into the fog. Having seen what I could be, I weeped when I saw where I had lived my whole life. How had I gotten through life so far? How did I ever stand this mental nightmare?

Now life has steadily gotten better. I got a full time job. I got back into my beloved opera chorus. I got a church job. I knew it was time to take the biggest step. It took me over a year but I finally went. I faced all my irrational fear and procrastination. And here I am, on day 4 and I feel the medicine start to work in my brain.

I am scared again. Of what? There will be no excuses left. I will be able to make my own choices and go for my own destiny. Will I be strong enough? Will I be enough? We'll see. But first I feel my brain knitting itself together. Time will tell it's tale.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Feeling a little blue today

I don't really know how to deal without something sweet to take the edge off. It will officially be a week tomorrow and it feels like I haven't had a carb in years. The cravings aren't as intense but they are certainly still there and now they are incredibly specific. Today it's cupcakes. That delicious frosting and then the spongey cake. The rational part of my brain knows how unimportant cupcakes are to my survival or my happiness but right now part of me just wants one so bad. I am holding in but this month is going to be a huge struggle. Life will never be the same and well two simple words: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't feel like defending myself about every choice to not eat the cookies and crap that will be everywhere. But if by then my body had changed maybe they will see that this time it's serious. I need to meditate. I think despite what I think, I really do better when I have something to do. Blah.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Feeling better. Maybe this won't kill me.

This week has been hard. The world is not arranged for low carb eaters. I was pretty exhausted all week too. The cravings and all the parts of taking something away from an addict nearly made me go crazy. But I think the reality of where I am is giving me a strength to fight. I don't want surgery. I do NOT want surgery. Now please don't think I have am judging people who decide to get the surgery. I think it is an amazing and brave thing to do. It takes a commitment that I honor. And if I can't do this by May it's a choice I am willing to make. So this is it. The last stand. I've gone 5 days and it's been the hardest diet ever. Day by day. I woke up at 9 a.m. and I wanted to get up because I wasn't in a fog. This gives me hope that my body is finding equilibrium and finally burning fat for energy instead of carbohydrates. Burn fat burn!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Emotional Management

I'm having real trouble dealing with my emotions lately. Food has always been the great regulator for me. I don't have sugar and fast carbs to take care of sadness, joy, annoyance, awkwardness and all the other things I think and feel. This week has just been hard and now I want to cry. Like seriously I am sitting at my computer and thoughts are making me almost weepy. I feel lost and alone. I am pretty sure I have some hormonal imbalance too. A person shouldn't feel this many extremes all the time. My life is a rollercoaster even though it's not.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

So who am I then?

So the question becomes who am I if I'm not constantly looking forward to my next meal. It can be disheartening when food becomes something to manage, something to juggle. I had to go home last night and make my lunch and dinner at 10:30 last night after a long day. It's easy to throw together a sandwich or a frozen dinner. It gets time consuming using fresh ingredients, low carbs, high fiber, lots of veggies etc. etc. etc. There certainly isn't an expectation of "oooh I can't wait to eat this tomorrow."

So how do I transition to the new me? What is there to think about if I'm not planning my next meal or thinking about going to the snack machine? I can't just not think about food. I have to plan, I have to anticipate, I have to be ready to make the better choice every single day. I can't stop people from bringing cupcakes to work. I can't stop my family from making junk for every meal we have together. I'm the one who has to go in and wage a war with myself. I had a friend yesterday say "well just have a little to help with the craving." Please understand that I am an addict. It doesn't work that way. You don't give an alcoholic a beer, don't give me just a little. The craving won't go away. The neural pathways in my brain have to be rearranged. I have to find a relationship with sweets that is healthy. That starts with the ability to say no. I have a long way to go. Life just seems boring without junk food. But I'm so tired of being trapped by my mind and body. I have to make a choice.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Time to take the next step

So last month I exercised more in one month than I have in years. This month I have opera many nights of the week. This leads me to making a decision that I am terrified about. I want to move my exercising to the morning. I have never ever been able to do that no matter how much I have tried. But it makes sense in my schedule and for my life. I would like to have my evenings back and to reap the benefits of exercising in the morning. I am so afraid I won't be able to do it. Making myself concentrate at 5 in the morning is not exactly my best skill. But it's time to stop making excuses. See ya in the morning!! Help!

Friday, August 30, 2013

F bombs for Friday

Anyone else drop a little profanity to get through their workout?

I have been feeling that my body doesn't feel worked after my workouts. While I know I am getting really great cardio I know that I need to fatigue the muscles to work them properly. Well today I really focused on really engaging my full body at every move. I pushed myself and today I sure felt it. I think I went to my max intensity. Now minute for minute I had to stop a lot more to rest but I know I will keep getting better little by little day by day.

This week was really long with the beginning of school. I've been mentally wiped out and then opera started last night. Opera is a great joy to me and always energizes me but getting home at 11 and waking up at 6 was hard after this long week. Thankfully we have a nice three day weekend. Tomorrow I have opera and am gonna hang out with the fam. I will not stress out too much about eating tomorrow night. My goal is to eat a nice big healthy breakfast and be sure to eat a veggie lunch and my two snacks. I normally don't drink too much but I plan to relax and let myself be for a night. Eating healthy Sunday and Monday is going to be hard but I plan to stay strong and get my exercise in every day. Tomorrow is weigh in and I am doing my best to not expect too much. This is a slow process and its the wonderful TOM. Booooo

All in all, the week was a success and I feel quite good tonight.