Change

Change. How does one change? It seems to me that change is rare for those not forced to do it.

There always seem to be something that forces people to change; ultimatums, heart attacks, job loss, etc. and the list goes on. How does one change without forces one can't control or how do we create the needed forces? Is change, a self motivate change, really truly possible? I don't know how to change. I don't know what angle to play, what well to draw on. I want to be different but supposedly something is working well enough that I choose not to change.

The day never comes where I put days and days together, days where I choose to change for good.

Questions, I have plenty of those, it's the answers I'm having difficulty with.

Under my skin

I have never had a drug problem and I thank the Lord for that. So I can't state that what I'm feeling right now is the same feeling drug addicts get while they are in withdrawal. What I can say is that I sympathize with the physical effects of your body asking for something you aren't going to give it. It truly is like an itch, it gets under your skin. The battlefield of my mind is bad enough, I really don't need this feeling in my body too. I want something bad and I want it bad. Something in me wants to go and make the cake in the pantry and just eat it until the bad goes away. Every time I breathe deep and try to release this feeling, I get the chills. I'm nervous and I just want sweet deliciousness. Food addiction is real and right now it's kicking my ass. I want this so bad, I want to make this the final time I ever do this. I want to live my life as a normal sized person. For goodness sakes, I want to actually feel what it's like to be normal sized. This is getting really stressful. I have to go through to get to. One day at a time. Today I want to not give in.

I also had a wonderful moment this week. I was catching up on my Dr. Oz shows on t.v. And lo and behold! He did a whole entire segment on ADHD in women. I nearly cried the whole time. This mental health issue never gets discussed. My diagnosis changed my life and lifted a huge burden of shame and self-loathing I carried my entire life. But very few people really understand or believe adult ADHD is a real mental health issue. To see it discussed by real doctors on national television made me feel like somebody believed and understood me. Maybe someday this will be given the attention it deserves.

It's the simple things

It's really the small things that get you where you need to go. I have been trying very hard to not let my rampant perfectionism throw me completely off course. And at least for now it seems to be working. I am striving to make the small changes and let the little imperfect eating moments just be part of a unified whole. This week I didn't plan one day and resorted to fast food. But instead of just letting it go I got a small burger, small fries and a coke zero. I let myself enjoy it and continued eating healthy throughout the day. And last night I made tacos but I greened them up with zucchini, tomatoes, and brocolli.

 

 

I was very proud of this small step toward lifestyle change.

 

So long story short...... drumroll................. Even after Thanksgiving I have lost 2 more pounds, making a total of 12 pounds. Slow and steady really does work. Who knew?

Tuesday night nosedive

Last night I went off the rails and today I am being crushed by anxiety. Last night I was awash in TOM hormones and post holiday blahs. It was a storm of disaster. Okay maybe not disaster. But I did make cinnamon sugar toast and ate straight up bacon and cheddar cheese. I couldn't handle my brain. And the food only calmed the storm for a few minutes. I've been vigilant today and will be good at family dinner tonight but I am struggling. If I can get through this week and come out safely it will be a triumphant moment for me. I knew I had to blog about it, get it out in the open. I can't hole up in my  mind cave. Decisions have to be made today. I want so desperately to just "wait til tomorrow" but I think we all know where that leads. I have to be present in my fear and my anxiety. I have to know that I can face these feelings and not hide from them. Today today today, I will choose to stand up today. Breathe. One day at a time. I think I am now sane enough to finish my grapefruit. Don't be surprised if you see me back tonight. I will write all night if if keeps me from going insane or to the refrigerator.

Thanksgiving is finally over

So here is the situation. I did pretty well over the Thanksgiving holiday. I let myself enjoy more during the whole week than I had planned. But the really good news is I never stuffed myself the entire week. My best friend was really amazed at my Thanksgiving meal. I even got a few weird looks from family members who obviously had just compared what was on their plate and what was on mine. Although the week wasn't exactly as I planned, I was able to deal with some feelings that came up. I feel like a step forward was made.

But now....... today........ well I feel like a slug.  I do not want to return to the regularly scheduled program. I forced myself to wake up and eat breakfast but it was very difficult. I think I'm going to make a smoothie for a snack to get some of those fruits and veggie back in my system. It's rubber hits the road time and I'm having to fight for it. My goal is to lose another 10 pounds by Christmas. That will be a very reachable goal. That would mean a 20 pound total loss. I would love to lose more but dealing in reality is one of my overall keys to success. No more perfectionism for me. Monday and I  are going to work together this year.

Dessert Landmine

It's taking everything in me not to eat the cherry pie in the refrigerator. Regular anxiety is one thing but feeling let down by someone you care about is even worse. I am trying not to be mad but I can't stop. My mind says to stuff those feelings down with pie. I don't want to keep holding on. I already said no to dessert at dinner. And now I'm mad and I have to go to bed without a full stomach to sand down all the rough edges. I know I have to let the anxiety be. Every time I let myself feel it, the less I will feel it next time. It's just psychology. It's such a horrible cycle. Being unhealthy makes me depressed. Depression just makes me want to eat which only makes me more unhealthy. Making it through Thanksgiving will be a huge achievement for me. I should be proud of today and somewhere in me I know I am. But right now I am mad at her. And lonely. The emptiness where I usually put food is only making me lonelier.

Not falling in the T-day trap

Thanksgiving weight gain is not about Thursday's meal. It never was and never will be. It's the scary days before and after. It's that feeling of holiday. I am working very hard not to do that. Tonight there was meatloaf and rolls and cherry pie and ice cream. This is normally a gut buster. Tonight though I did the work no matter how it depressed me. I had one roll and a small slice of meatloaf. I would say it was about 1/4 of the size I normally have. I also declined pie and ice cream (super sad face). As the cherry pie mocked me I decided to invoke the 3 (very small) bite rule which helped calm the crazy enough that I feel strong enough not to do a late night fridge raid. There is half a pie in there!! and so it shall remain. So I've survived another day of temptation. Tomorrow here I come. C'mon broccoli show me what ya got.