Sunday, October 6, 2013

Feeling a little blue today

I don't really know how to deal without something sweet to take the edge off. It will officially be a week tomorrow and it feels like I haven't had a carb in years. The cravings aren't as intense but they are certainly still there and now they are incredibly specific. Today it's cupcakes. That delicious frosting and then the spongey cake. The rational part of my brain knows how unimportant cupcakes are to my survival or my happiness but right now part of me just wants one so bad. I am holding in but this month is going to be a huge struggle. Life will never be the same and well two simple words: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't feel like defending myself about every choice to not eat the cookies and crap that will be everywhere. But if by then my body had changed maybe they will see that this time it's serious. I need to meditate. I think despite what I think, I really do better when I have something to do. Blah.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Feeling better. Maybe this won't kill me.

This week has been hard. The world is not arranged for low carb eaters. I was pretty exhausted all week too. The cravings and all the parts of taking something away from an addict nearly made me go crazy. But I think the reality of where I am is giving me a strength to fight. I don't want surgery. I do NOT want surgery. Now please don't think I have am judging people who decide to get the surgery. I think it is an amazing and brave thing to do. It takes a commitment that I honor. And if I can't do this by May it's a choice I am willing to make. So this is it. The last stand. I've gone 5 days and it's been the hardest diet ever. Day by day. I woke up at 9 a.m. and I wanted to get up because I wasn't in a fog. This gives me hope that my body is finding equilibrium and finally burning fat for energy instead of carbohydrates. Burn fat burn!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Emotional Management

I'm having real trouble dealing with my emotions lately. Food has always been the great regulator for me. I don't have sugar and fast carbs to take care of sadness, joy, annoyance, awkwardness and all the other things I think and feel. This week has just been hard and now I want to cry. Like seriously I am sitting at my computer and thoughts are making me almost weepy. I feel lost and alone. I am pretty sure I have some hormonal imbalance too. A person shouldn't feel this many extremes all the time. My life is a rollercoaster even though it's not.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

So who am I then?

So the question becomes who am I if I'm not constantly looking forward to my next meal. It can be disheartening when food becomes something to manage, something to juggle. I had to go home last night and make my lunch and dinner at 10:30 last night after a long day. It's easy to throw together a sandwich or a frozen dinner. It gets time consuming using fresh ingredients, low carbs, high fiber, lots of veggies etc. etc. etc. There certainly isn't an expectation of "oooh I can't wait to eat this tomorrow."

So how do I transition to the new me? What is there to think about if I'm not planning my next meal or thinking about going to the snack machine? I can't just not think about food. I have to plan, I have to anticipate, I have to be ready to make the better choice every single day. I can't stop people from bringing cupcakes to work. I can't stop my family from making junk for every meal we have together. I'm the one who has to go in and wage a war with myself. I had a friend yesterday say "well just have a little to help with the craving." Please understand that I am an addict. It doesn't work that way. You don't give an alcoholic a beer, don't give me just a little. The craving won't go away. The neural pathways in my brain have to be rearranged. I have to find a relationship with sweets that is healthy. That starts with the ability to say no. I have a long way to go. Life just seems boring without junk food. But I'm so tired of being trapped by my mind and body. I have to make a choice.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Time to take the next step

So last month I exercised more in one month than I have in years. This month I have opera many nights of the week. This leads me to making a decision that I am terrified about. I want to move my exercising to the morning. I have never ever been able to do that no matter how much I have tried. But it makes sense in my schedule and for my life. I would like to have my evenings back and to reap the benefits of exercising in the morning. I am so afraid I won't be able to do it. Making myself concentrate at 5 in the morning is not exactly my best skill. But it's time to stop making excuses. See ya in the morning!! Help!

Friday, August 30, 2013

F bombs for Friday

Anyone else drop a little profanity to get through their workout?

I have been feeling that my body doesn't feel worked after my workouts. While I know I am getting really great cardio I know that I need to fatigue the muscles to work them properly. Well today I really focused on really engaging my full body at every move. I pushed myself and today I sure felt it. I think I went to my max intensity. Now minute for minute I had to stop a lot more to rest but I know I will keep getting better little by little day by day.

This week was really long with the beginning of school. I've been mentally wiped out and then opera started last night. Opera is a great joy to me and always energizes me but getting home at 11 and waking up at 6 was hard after this long week. Thankfully we have a nice three day weekend. Tomorrow I have opera and am gonna hang out with the fam. I will not stress out too much about eating tomorrow night. My goal is to eat a nice big healthy breakfast and be sure to eat a veggie lunch and my two snacks. I normally don't drink too much but I plan to relax and let myself be for a night. Eating healthy Sunday and Monday is going to be hard but I plan to stay strong and get my exercise in every day. Tomorrow is weigh in and I am doing my best to not expect too much. This is a slow process and its the wonderful TOM. Booooo

All in all, the week was a success and I feel quite good tonight.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Feeling discouraged.

Work has been melting my brain and I am very tired. I did my exercises but my limitations were just discouraging today. I am not craving food so that's something I guess. One day at a time.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Stress eating, how do you deal?

Today was a long day. A friend from college is in a devastating situation where either outcomes is terribly saddening. His life and career might be over and it's breaking my heart. The truth is just sad, whatever it may turn out to be.

My eating was not good today. Yesterday was long and draining and mentally exhausting. Today I was still swamped in the work that is piling up. The stress led me to make some bad choices. (On a good side note, I was very proud that my eating while not healthy was not disordered eating. I didn't finish my lunch and I threw away my soda after thinking that I didn't really need a re-fill. ) So the stress triggered me going with unhealthy options but I didn't let the meal take over my thinking. It was strangely disappointing and affirming at the same time.

Now, I know I don't have many readers but I would like to know if any of you have ways you deal with stress eating. What helps you choose to go through the work of eating healthy?

I am glad I rested yesterday as I could feel my body needed it even though my mind worries that if I stop one day I won't restart the next. There will be days that I need to rest and days that exercise doesn't fit into my schedule. I hope to continue reaffirming that one day off is just one day off. When I exercised today I could feel that the rest was appropriate and I was getting fatigued at the end of last week. I have to admit it felt like I hadn't exercised in a week but I am really really happy and excited that I got to it today without the usual excuses.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Calm Sunday before the storm

I am trying to rest up today for the coming week. All the students come back tomorrow and the week is going to be stressful and hectic. I got all my laundry and shopping done. I didn't exercise the full time because my body was telling me that it needed some rest and I listened. I have to start working my exercising around opera so I needed to get in some today since Thursday I won't be able to. I'm not gonna have a lot of free time soon. My main goal for this week is to pack my lunch every night before dinner so I can have the whole day planned and I plan to eat a big healthy breakfast. I am ready to try foregoing yogurt with fruit and will add some low sugar granola and fresh strawberries. Cutting sugar out is very tricky. I've been paying a lot of attention to nutrition labels and I'll tell you, they hide sugar everywhere. I am very excited about my afternoon of nothing. I also got some potstickers from the store for dinner tonight. I'm gonna have a salad first but I wanted to give myself something as a treat that wasn't pure sugar. Fall 2013 here we come!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

6 days in a row!!

I exercised 6 days in a row. For you, this may be old news. For me, this is hope for a future I'm finally starting to believe I might have.

Friday, August 23, 2013

A good week

I am pretty happy about this week. My food wasn't exactly where I want it to be but it was still enough to be proud of. I ate breakfast every morning, drank water all day, and resisted several sweets opportunities. I am ready for the month to be through so I can get through the first week of school which will be a nightmare. Opera starts on Thursday!! Yay! And I will be really proud to see my calendar full of X's. If I exercise tomorrow, that will be 6 full days in a row. Opera is going make exercising a little harder but I will just have to be commited to exercising on the days I am not in opera. That will still make 4-6 days a week (until tech week). When tech week comes I want to really try to set a goal to exercise in the mornings even if it is just the 20 minute workout video.

I am still struggling with some "It's all gonna crash and burn!!!" anxiety but I think the exercise really is helping to regulate my mood. Just 8 days left in August and then we start fresh in September and that is as far as I plan right now.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Analyzing cheescake.

I was at a book club this evening and there was a tasty sopapilla cheescake. I ate two bites even though I wanted to turn it down. Even before I ate those two bites I really started thinking about how irrational my desire for that cheesecake is. Now I don't have any answers as how to make my mind stop doing that but I do realize that my mind has a subconscious attachment to it that my rational brain can't understand. As I sat looking at the cheesecake I wondered "why does it seem so important that I do or don't have a bite of that cheesecake?" The rational part of my brain that has been working it's butt of these last weeks wants me to unilaterally never have a bite of sweets ever again. And you know what, I could go my whole life without eating another bite of dessert and I would be fine!!!!!!! This seems imcomprehensible to part of my brain. How does one live without desserts?!? It's not feasible or possible. So I ate two bites of cheesecake mindfully. I explored the flavor and why this bite seems so important. It was delicious but not life altering. I have analyzed it the best I can and honestly I don't have any answers. All I know is I didn't eat two pieces like I would have in the past. And that is what I plan to be proud of. Sorry rational mind, one day at a time.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Am I really ready?

Am I really ready? This is the question that plagues me, that worries me. Is there a secret ingredient for the effort that works, for the time one can say "I finally did it"? Or is it getting up and each time learning from the last time you fell down? Because I have fallen down a hundred times or more. Some of those times were half-hearted but some of those times were whole hearted attempts.What will set this attempt apart from the others? Is it simply the fact that I'm not quitting? Or is it because I am grounded so firmly in reality that I'm not letting any lies get through? I feel slightly agitated and anxious today. I have to accept it and work toward setting it free instead of stewing in it. This is a long journey that I have to take day by day. I have to free myself from the worry about next month and next year. Today is today. This is August. There are 10 days left in this month. This is the only place I will allow myself to be. I must rest in today, in my good choices. I turned down sugary foods and ate 3 meals and 2 snacks and drank water. I've done my part. There is no room for anxiety today. It does me no good and I have done so much good today. I won't let it take me away from that.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The big black X

I think I may have a record here. I can't remember what my best sticking to exercising record is but I feel like I may have broken it. I'm not sure because I'v never really kept track. This time I have big black X's on my calendar. It's been rather motivating. Some mornings I even put the x on before I exercise. The big X makes me make sure I'm not a liar.

I've been doing better with lowering my sugar but it's hard to say no to all the little sweets that float by all the time. I also need to start preplanning a little better now that work is picking up. I don't have time to leisurely make a lunch or snack at work. It's gotta be ready to go.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Blessed endurance and recovery time

Exercising today was not easy. The word no and I don't wanna was practically screaming through my head. But from somewhere I remembered how good it feels after. I wasn't expecting anything but the same drudgery but then my blessed body showed up to the party and reminded me that I am in fact doing good. It still takes about the same time to run out of breath but I've added a few seconds to my endurance. The most uplifting thing was not how long it took me to have to sit down but how much more quickly I can get up. I still have to sit down a lot but I get back up so much faster. Also I don't feel like I'm about to get dizzy anymore. I felt clear headed the whole time (even if I was breathing like an exhausted moose). After the scale being cruel, I really needed that improvement.

Work is going to be a bit of a challenge with school starting. While I will be getting off my butt a lot more, I am going to find it difficult to get my lunch and my snacks in properly. I will also need to eat breakfast at home instead of at my desk in the morning. Unfortunately, one thing that isn't getting any easier is getting up in the morning. Ugh! Is it Thanksgiving yet? I need a vacation. I just realized I've worked 6 months with only 4 days off. Now as I get weekends off and work a strict 8-5 I know I really have nothing to complain about. I just never realized how short weekends really are. Monday comes way too quickly. And so does bed time. Time to get some zzzzs.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Giving up sugar...?

Sugar is the devil. I am pretty sure of this. There is absolutely no value in refined sugar. It's just plain horrible for you. I've really been thinking of going sugar and sweetener free but honestly the thought is daunting. It's everywhere and frankly I'm addicted to it. I love sweets and pastries. It's my jam. Knowing that I can have a snickers every now and again seems to make things bearable. But the truth is I have to keep moving forward. I'm all for baby steps and adding changes in slowly but I know that the key is sugar. It's control on metabolism and overall health can't be understated. But the difficulty of eliminating it from one's diet can't be understated either. But it's time isn't it. It's become clear that it's make it or break it time. I feel a finality coming in my life, for good or bad. I feel stone cold sober. I have to make a choice. I have to choose my health or sugar. One of them is going to go.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Negativity, time to turn it around.

I conquered my two goals for today but I am still fighting a negative mood. I can say that reading other blogs has really helped like I hoped. I woke up before 10 and I've exercised but instead of feeling proud I feel tired and hopeless about the whole thing.

I feel like it stemmed from a bad dream that I had. It's a recurring dream about grad school. I have the dream less and less but it's obvious I have some strong emotional scars from that time in my life. I always dream that it's my last semester and school and I never went to my voice lessons or practiced or got a pianist and it's almost the end of semester. This would never happen in real life, I am way too anxiety and guilt ridden and a perfectionist. But here I am in this dream thinking I will never graduate. It always takes a few seconds for me to wake up and reassure myself that yes, I did in fact graduate.

That horrible feeling just sticks with me sometimes. I am glad that I have plans to go to the library, go shopping, and go to a friends house. I think I need to not be cooped up in my room feeling bad. I'm just so tired of being tired. The feeling of hating how out of shape I am while I was exercising was getting me down. I just feel tired and sad about being fat and single and poor. Perspective, I must change it. My body still works. I don't have diabetes yet. I can walk. I could even run if a zombie was chasing me. I am grateful I have a chance to exercise and it's not too late. Even if I'm single forever I am still a good person. There are so many things and people out there to see and meet. While singlehood isn't what I want for myself there is still plenty of wonderfulness in my life. I am smart and funny and cultured and compassionate. (And I see so many people who would rather be treated like garbage than be alone. I am thankful to be strong enough to stand on my own if I have to.) I am paying my bills and my school loans. There are so many aspects to life that don't involve money and I am grateful for the gifts this life has given me. It's time to embrace this beautiful Saturday.

Thank you to all the wonderful bloggers who are sharing their stories with honesty and openness! I really needed your words today.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Not being perfect or making excuses?

What's the difference between mitigating trying too hard to be perfect and making excuses? I could have done a lot better today in my eating. I drank water and had breakfast. I ate fruits and vegetables... and cake and a cherry kolache. I exercised really hard and got my heart rate up for 30 minutes but I didn't finish the whole video. Now the exercise I'm okay with. I am working up to my highest capacity and am exercising wholeheartedly for 30 minutes. The whole 45 will come with time. Now the eating. I'm still maneuvering the you can't deprive yourself all the time mantra with you can't treat yourself all the time reality. I think my new goal really needs to be to limit my splurges. I must start really learning the dieting truth that all you really need is a few bites. The idea of mindful eating was a new revelation. Now I have to take it in to practice. If I have candy or cake or whatnot, I don't need the whole thing and I MUST think about and be present while I'm eating the thing. Mindless is addiction, mindful is listening to my inner truth. I'm feeling hopeful.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Fueling up for the long journey

Some dieters (okay me (maybe you too)) hope that if they can find the biggest tank and make it bigger and fill it all to the top that hopefully that will last the whole journey. If the tank is big enough you will always have enough motivation and energy to pull from. This is a dream. Reality is that the tank is very small, a thimble sometimes. All that dreaming and hoping and scheming and convincing is really just overflow. You can't hold on to it. The tank has to be filled everyday. Some mornings it might be on empty. If you are truly lucky, you might have a little from the day before. But yes, you have to fill it EVERY DAY. This makes me groan. Ugh! Every day? Yes, but you have to realize that all you have to do is fill it a little and if you didn't fill it yesterday, that's no excuse not to fill it today.

As I was exercising.. Okay well as I was sitting down resting I thought about how long it will take to get to the point that I can do the whole video all the way through without stopping. This thought was utterly disappointing. I realized that it won't be tomorrow, or next week, or maybe even this year *wildly bursts in to tears*. But I remembered that today, I was doing great! I was sweating and doing better than I had yesterday. I also realized that a small part of me didn't believe that that day would ever come. Thankfully I reminded myself about perspective. The facts are, if I exercise 5-6 days a week and eat well, there really isn't a way I won't be able to. I have to be happy with my little steps and my little tank. The only day ahead of me is tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The beautiful amazing heart

The heart really is an amazing muscle. It's programmed to keep going and it never gets rest. Rest is how you get stronger and you heal. Not the heart. How do we keep the heart healthy? We have to make it work harder. It's really rather counterintuitive but extraordinary at the same time. As I exercise and I feel my heart beating so fast it feels like it simply can't be good for it. (be advised that I never overdo and I stop frequently). While I hate the feeling, I love it at the same time. It's a message from my heart to me and me to my heart. It is strong but it needs my help and my love. It works tirelessly while I treat it so badly and there it is beating for me. It says good for you and thank you for the exercise. I feel the blood it pumps and my whole body knows that it's being taken care of. I hate exercising. But these few minutes after I'm done and I feel my heart disappear into it's quiet routine I feel grateful and I thank it for another wonderful day.

Monday, August 12, 2013

It's Monday and I feel motivated?!

This weekend was pretty unproductive and not so great on the health front, I won't lie. But today, on Monday!, I was ready to get the week rolling. I just finished exercising and finally! after last week I feel better after my workout instead of worse. Things are looking up!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The wages of unhealthiness

Exercising this week has been a real struggle. My body is having problems and it's my fault I've treated it so badly all these years. I've been eating healthy nutritious food and drinking water but these past few days I just have not felt very good. I've been tired and exercising is making me feel a little sick. I have been really working hard during my workouts and stopping when I need to but I just feel lousy. I am proud that I have been pushing through and making good choices. I know that I'm getting to the age of real health problems because of my obesity. I've been blessed that my body is holding up and my blood work and sugar levels are still in slighty high but normal ranges. This won't last forever. Either I stick with this or I get ready for prescriptions and doctor visits. I really don't want that. I feel the pressure to take this super seriously more than I ever have. This week has me worried that I am very close to a turning point. I hope it's the turning point I want and not the problems I've avoided for so long. Feeling motivated by my drearyness. One step closer by exercising today.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Sometimes it's iust about the shoes.

I sweat, then I waited. I sweat, then I waited a little more. Today the inspirational mantra did not appear! And then I glanced in my closet. There they were. The pretty black heels I never wear because it hurts too much to wear high heels. When I didn't want to get back up and keep exercising, there were shoes. Pretty patent leather heels I've had for years. Sometimes all it takes is a pretty pair of shoes.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Waiting for the "aha" moment

Miss me? ...  *crickets*....*tumbleweeds*

It's okay, I get it.

But don't worry dear readers, I didn't disappear again. I got terribly sick (in July! ick) and then it was my birthday trip. So here it is Monday night. Last night I went to bed after thinking, dreaming, analyzing and still ending up in the same maelstrom of confusion. I have come to understand that the morning won't bring understanding. When I sadly considered postponing til Tuesday (I mean isn't Monday bad enough) I realized it's not gonna be any better on Tuesday. I think I keep hoping that if I analyze, and ponder, and strategize, and dream, and plan that the next morning I will wake up with "IT". Call it the "aha" or the shining moment where I  never look back and all my weight loss dreams come true. I think this happens for some people. As I grow and continue to understand myself it's become clear that for me personally, things come slowly or not at all. Now let me be clear, when I do finally learn it, I learn it better and more potently than anyone. I've learned to take pride in that although I move slow, I always move forward. I know people who make leaps and bounds at things but in some things they are stuck, sometimes forever. I am a slow but beautiful bloomer. So this is what I must face. I'm not going to want to do this anymore tomorrow than I did this morning. Today is it. Too bad if it feels like the hardest thing ever pretty much every day. My progress will not show itself in a miraculous prophetic moment. My progress will come when one morning I realize I don't hate it so very much anymore.

Saturday, July 13, 2013


It feels like a miracle that I got up and exercised today. But I'll be honest, my heart wasn't in it. Saturday feels like it should be a exercise free zone, it always seems to be a diet free zone too. But let's get real, Saturday is just a day. All the work I do during the week is minimized by the actions of the weekend. Now progress being our goal, it certainly wouldn't set me back to have a weekend free of exercise mindset. But one cannot adopt a whole life way of living by pretending the weekend doesn't count, because it does. If it was simply about weight loss maybe, but it's clear that my mind is the most important part of this equation. Food is not bad, it's the way I use it that gets me in trouble. I must be mindful, even if I'm having fun. Life is full of delicious foods I CAN have. The problem comes in when the food is a wholesale tool to erase, to create a numbing of obsession, of fear, of sadness. Food should be enjoyed, but with my whole self, not just the part that craves solace. And it should be able to be put away without a sense of fear or dread or obsession. Three bites of cheesecake is enough to affect a sensory delight, and enjoyment. Eating a whole slice and not even really tasting the last half is a sign that my brain is engaged by only the part that is full of irrational panic. I have this dream in my mind that if I work hard enough or if I lose all the weight that this will just disappear and food and I will have a healthy relationship. My frown is deepening with the truth that I will always have this. I will always have to work to be mindful, to understand that at any moment irrational synapses can take over. I have to plan, I have to think, I have to negotiate, I have to know that even through it all, it is not a sign that I am any of the bad names I want to call myself. I have not given in, I am strong, I fight to find peace in health. My weight does not define me, nor does this addiction. This post started out as one about apathy. I'm happy to know I'm obviously not ready for apathy yet.

Friday, July 12, 2013

You'll get there girl.

I have seem to have acquired a new habit of finding some mental phrase or question to help me make it through my workout. Whether it comes from a positive or negative place there always seems to be something to hang onto. Today I wondered how I would ever keep going after having to stop for the fourth time. I seem to have no patience for results and I was down about how I don't seem to be getting any better. If I approached it rationally I would have noticed a little better technique and a slightly marginally better recovery time. But all I saw was how much of the video I have to sit down through. As I contemplated calling it quits, I heard "you'll get there, girl." The tone was grandmotherly and full of the understanding of the benefits of time. While the thought of how long this will take makes me weary I know that the only way to is through. The time will pass with or without me. The effect of exercise on my body is mostly up to me. Science is on my side. Move more, eat less. I'll get there... eventually.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

There is always a reason not to

As I slogged through another day of my workout video and had to stop to catch my breath, I heard the voice "you've done 30 minutes, that's all you really have to do, you don't have to finish it." And I was about ready to listen to the voice and then I heard a different voice, " you will always find a way to talk yourself out of doing something." This, although I've always known it, was a shock. It really hit me that there will always be excuses. While there may be in fact some amazing day when I can't wait to exercise, the reality is that there are hundreds of days ahead where I will have to stick to it instead of waiting for it to stick to me. I will want to quit, a lot. And truth be told, I could most definitely come up with a million good sounding reasons to stop. I also realize that while it takes only one good reason to not exercise, maybe all it takes is one good reason to exercise. So today, when I was ready, I got back up and went to the finish.

Monday, July 8, 2013

The mirror

I have been reading an interesting book about a woman who decided to go without looking in the mirror for a year. Now the book has been mildly interesting but it brings up a multitude of questions about appearance, yada yada yada. One quote from the book really struck a chord with me today. I am paraphrasing but it went something like "take the sign from your forehead that says 'I want you to like me' and place it where it belongs squarely on the mirror"

Hmmm.... As I was working through the exercise video again, I asked myself "If I never lose this weight would I be able to be happy with myself, would I be able to love myself?" The answer rang back a solid "NO." I don't know what this means but it troubled me but in many ways didn't surprise me. If some way I could be healthy, and feel great, but still be fat, would I work this hard. Should I not be worried by the fact that I want to feel beautiful, sexy, etc. more than healthy? Or is it just a part of the equation. I want to be healthy, I want to feel better, but is my most motivating factor what I see in the mirror? Is there a balance, is there a better way?

Monday, July 1, 2013

Pizza is a "mean girl"

So Pizza will tell you all sorts of lies to get you on her side. You know you wanna get with that "in" crowd. She looks good, smells good, she's someone you feel you really want to know. But once she's assimilated you, she will never do you right.

Pizza and exercise do not mix. I have always known this intellectually but we've never really put the two up against each other. Yes, I had pizza. Pizza. Pizza. And Pizza. But I decided that I would never quit no matter how messy things get. I'm in this for the good and bad. So, I put my foot down and put on that exercise video. I knew pizza would win the round. Exercise will not erase what I put in my body today. But I was not ready for the brick in my stomach. Pizza tried to put me down. I feel totally gross. Pizza is a "mean girl." She trash talked my stomach for the full 45 minutes. She can be a real bitch.

I don't know if this nutrition blight will take me down. My body will do what it must and I can't take back the pizza. But after years of struggle, I did something I've never done before. I did not decide to start over tomorrow. I didn't listen when pizza told me I'm not good enough and I should just give up. I don't know what this means, but it's a nice development.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Exercise tips for the morbidly obese

Exercise: An integral part of any health or weight loss plan

Disclaimer: If it is physically possible for you to complete P90X in 90 days, this post is not for you.

Now let's just begin this post with AA style honestly. I am categorized in the medical community as being morbidly obese. (Way to make that sound like the absolute worst thing one can possibly be. Even the words serial killer don't sting as bad. Ouch.)

Now some would say "just walk everyday. the pounds will melt away." Yes, walking is a proven exercise for beginners and those with lots to lose. Some people swear by it. I in no way disparage it for those that it works for. Everyone is different. I find it to be the most boring, soul crushing of exercise plans. I've shopped around and while exercise videos can be just as soul crushing and cheesy, I personally can get through one without hoping to be hit by a car. So if you are like me and walking is just not for you, I've compiled some helpful tips for getting through your workout.

1. It is okay to stop, frequently, especially if you can't hear the music over the sound of  your heart signaling that it has reached what I like to call the "red zone." This feeling is equivalent to how I imagine the guy in Aliens felt when the alien jumped right out his chest. Don't feel bad stopping. If your heart rate is up, well that's kind of the whole point so good on ya.

2. Don't feel the need to stop the video everytime you need to stop. This will make your exercise video (if you are anything like me) last approximately 6 hours and 45 minutes. Just get back up when you feel the alien is just a little peeved and not quite ready to blow a hole out your front.

3. Modify, modify, modify. Most exercise programs these days have a few participants who modify the exercise for their needs. Do this! You don't have to jump because they do. Do not feel bad about yourself. The fact that you are moving truly is the most important thing. I mean Sit and Be fit has been running on PBS for like a millions years and they are literally sitting down the whole time.

4. Clothes are optional. (Mirrors are also optional and I find that looking into them is actually detrimental because ok, really, I don't need to see that.) Seriously. Sweating is a useful part of the exercise process. Wearing a gallon of water, well just plain feels icky. I do advocate for supportive underwear. It would be such a shame to work that hard and be knocked out by one's own breast or end up with them located somewhere around your knees.

5. Let me repeat. Mirrors. Just don't.

6. Water. Duh!

7. You will get better. You will get better. You will get better. You will get better. Someone please tell me I will get better!!!!!!!

I'm interested to hear if anyone else any overweight exercise tips. What gets you through it?

Thursday, June 27, 2013


As I sweated and huffed and stopped every 5 seconds (okay minutes) through my exercise video I thought "I'll never be able to do this all the way through." This inner statement rang through me like a warning bell. I never thought much about my doubts during any weight loss attempt. I grudgingly "gave it another go." My last failure just another tick on my weight loss attempts accounting that I always carry. I don't have a grand total but it feels like I have spent all my life wondering how to seriously lose weight. Losing 20 pounds then gaining 30, losing 15 and gaining 40, blah blah blah. But as I've scoured my mind to place what change I would have to make, not just in my diet and exercise, but my mental structuring of the monumental feat. When I was young I never thought about doubt. Now I've even started contemplating weight loss surgery, something I had always said I would never do. I really really don't want to have weight loss surgery. I'm not against it and I am truly happy for everyone that it has been the solution for. Maybe I am meant to do it the natural way, maybe I am deluded and it's time to have my insides surgically altered. I think it's the understanding that it's not my body that really needs the altering that keeps me from it. It is most assuredly my mind that needs altering. But how and in what way? No leeway, lot's of leeway, never touching a white carb, exercising every day, exercising only. I read somewhere that real change must come from a place of peace. (I'm thinking it was Oprah magazine). Peace!! I had never tried that. Change is supposed to be a wrenching battle of will. Is there a way to remain calm AND make the right choices? I don't honestly know but it's worth a try. I think it might be just the thing.

But rewinding all the way back to the beginning, where does doubt fit into this whole picture? Is it as destructive as it felt today. Is not doubting the same as cheerfully believing. Do I have to be a perky diet monster who disavowes doubt altogether? Will not doubting my ability to stay on track really help me stay on track. Can a removal of doubt come from a place of peace or must it be rousted out violently like a bug bomb in a bathroom? I just don't know. I'm gonna try peace instead of war. Calm understanding that brocolli will be better than the anxiety reducing candy bar. If I give myself the peace to not be crushed if I pick the candy bar will that actually help me stay away from the candy bar? cuh nun drum. Well, it did today. I had reese's pieces in my desk. I had two for the taste and let the others rest. I had one bite of pie and peacefully put down the fork. Will it last? I don't honestly know.


Friday, May 17, 2013


Change. How does one change? It seems to me that change is rare for those not forced to do it.

There always seem to be something that forces people to change; ultimatums, heart attacks, job loss, etc. and the list goes on. How does one change without forces one can't control or how do we create the needed forces? Is change, a self motivate change, really truly possible? I don't know how to change. I don't know what angle to play, what well to draw on. I want to be different but supposedly something is working well enough that I choose not to change.

The day never comes where I put days and days together, days where I choose to change for good.

Questions, I have plenty of those, it's the answers I'm having difficulty with.