Monday, September 12, 2011

Out with the whines

So first day with the counting of the points and I actually didn't eat all of them. Balance Sarah, Balance!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to find that so very badly. Because I had structure I made sure to have absolutely no structure. I used lack of options to just eat what tasted good and didn't pay attention. And its just plain old laziness. I can't blame this on AD/HD. I just didn't want to do the work. I am really struggling with the lack of options around me. I'm down to just odds and ends that don't really make much of anything. I will soon be borrowing some money to get to the grocery store but for now I am having trouble not being a whiny bitch. Food is fuel. Granted it can be very fun fuel but right now I need to suck it up and eat the veggies and count the damn points even if its not culinary harmony. The fifteenth is coming soon and I plan on doing a bimonthly check in. Which means I have like 3 days to magically make up for the first ten. Now I haven't gone totally off the reservation but I haven't dug in and done the work. The scale won't go up but I can't guarantee its gonna plummet down either.  And the reality is I gotta keep it moving. I have to stop being a whiny baby, get back up and battle for my life. Complacency can have no place. Rationalizing can have no place. I know whats real and what is fake. I AM a food addict and I can't forget that for one f-ing second or I'm gonna go back right where I started. No whining!!!!!

Decision Made, let the point counting begin

After some mental debating and a few slices of pepperoni pizza I made the decision I've been thinking about for the last several weeks. I think I'm ready to start Weight Watchers again. I did the same thing I do almost every time and I started eating perfectly and then things started to slack. I shoot for this idea of perfection which never sticks. Well normally that's the time to call for a full stop and just eat like a wild ravenous animal. But I am determined to not sink the ship this time. That means being very realistic about whats real, and what is a beautiful illusion. I want to keep eating lots of vegetables and putting nutritious food into my body but I have to find a way to balance it with this pesky thing called life. And this even peskier thing called food addiction. In a perfect world, I would never touch pizza again my entire life. I would be the shining beacon of clean living. I would rather just get my weight down first. For now that is really the most important thing. Doing it healthily is incredibly important to me but its all a moot point if I go crazy every full moon like some carb thirsty werewolf. The reality is

1. I need structure
2. I'm not really strong enough to do this without help
3. I like beer and pizza
4. Some days I'm just not gonna choose the carrot
5. It's calming to know exactly what I can and cannot do


So I'm giving Weight Watchers the reins again. I've gone a full month in charge and I know I'm ready to stick with something. I'm finally ready. It's taken me a month to say that and a month to know I really mean it because lets face it. Many of us have said that hundreds of times. I'm gonna do this. I'm just gonna get some help (and maybe have a beer every now and then).

Friday, September 9, 2011

Battle with Boredom

I had a lot of battles today. I have way too much time on my hands and I want to fill that time with eating. I know I should find some activities but its difficult breaking a very instilled habit. I have way too much time to think about food. I almost cracked several times. But I made it through and I even took a walk. I wanted to do an hour but my foot started hurting. I am thankful that my body is still holding in but I can feel the effects of weight and gravity on my body. It's gotta be now or parts are gonna start giving in in the next couple of years. I can feel it.

I've gotta thank Jillian (a fellow blogger) for her comment on my blog yesterday. It was so on point and what I needed to think about. I am coming up on a financial issue but I can't use that as an excuse to stop focusing on staying on track. It's so easy to find excuses and then months go by and I realize how much I could've achieved. It's happened again and again. It's also time to accept that this is a boring endeavor. A very boring endeavor. There are really only so many ways to make veggies. It was kinda fun in the beginning. Now I'm getting a little tired of pulling out the cutting board and going at another pile of veggies. But I gotta keep doing it and doing it and walking and walking and saying no and no and no and no and no. Snore.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Remotivation required

I'm not doing badly but I'm not doing super great either. I can't say that I'm motivated but I can't say that I am off course. I seem to be fighting ambivalence, if that is the right word. It's becoming too easy to put things off or to ignore them. I must relight the fire before it goes out completely.

There are things making it harder but I know they are just easy excuses. I don't have money to go buy the food I want. I'm having to live off my supplies for awhile, which is becoming incredibly boring. I also need to get into a routine of walking every day. But *insert whiny voice* I don't wanna. I feel like a petulant child who doesn't want to do her chores. But this is really starting to feel like a chore. I know the next stop on that train is the Mcdonalds drive-thru. It's another long string of excuses and rationalizations. But it's NOT ok. I can't let ambivalence or complacency have its place. That's why I blogged tonight and that's why I'm gonna read each and every blog on my list before I go to sleep.   

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Onward

I ate well today, thank goodness. It wasn't easy. That little voice tried so hard to get me to eat what I shouldn't. I ate my veggies. I almost said no to going walking but somehow I triumphed and did it anyway. I can't believe its already month two. This month is pivotal, it is crucial, it is a sign of things finally changing. Gettting through September will be a major breakthrough.

I really enjoyed my walk today. I felt strong and in some strange way I felt beautiful. I actually walked faster than I planned on walking. If I was in better shape I think I would have wanted to run. It was a feeling of wanting to live, of wanting to run towards a new adventure. I want to be healthy and I want to live my life with joy. I'm ready to be free of this fat body and be who I know I am inside it. I'm ready to find love and to make a family of  my own.

Good Morning Real World

So Labor Day is over, the festivities settling around in my fat cells. I'm supposed to feel bad about myself and vow to never let it happen again. But the reality is I feel great, I'm ready to eat healthy and go on my walk and drink a ton of water. I feel like a pressure valve was released. Maybe I needed to know that I could eat junk and wake up the next day and continue on the path of vegetables and sunshine. Maybe I'm deluding myself and addiction won again. Well today I really can't say I know what the answer is. I just know I don't really regret this weekend. There are some hard core bloggers who would disagree. I read a post just this morning about the strong ones soldiering on through Labor day temptations and succeeding where the lesser deluded ones have failed. If you need to feel that your shining example makes you better, well then you are better. Enjoy your gold star. I enjoyed the family time, the games, the laughter, and yes the wine and burgers.

But back to why I came here today. Today I WILL

-drink water, water, water
-take an hour walk
-stuff myself with vegetable goodness

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Is it October yet?

I'm feeling........ meh.

I just read the wonderful comments left on yesterday's blog and they were so uplifting and wonderful. But I've been riding the fine edge of addiction all day long. I honestly feel like I am on the brink of completely breaking down. Some people say that you eventually learn how to defeat cravings. Some say that you need to indulge your cravings once in awhile. I just feel so tense and I'm obsessing about eating food. These past 3 days have been hell. Is it okay to break the glass in case of emergency? Is it time to indulge a little? Or is that an addiction delusion? Can I really have some things I want and then move on? Is it better to live in my own personal hell a little longer and hope it gets better? I feel like the word "no" is about to drive me insane. I'm doing so well. What is the right move?

Friday, September 2, 2011

Mac and Cheese is NOT what I had for dinner

Even though thats what everyone else had for dinner. I don't want anything bad today... specifically. I really just want that feeling, that high, those tastes in my mouth, the delicious flavors. I'm craving the feeling of being full on carbs and candy. I know its bad and I always feel bad later but lets not pretend that while its happening that it doesn't feel wonderful. I feel like those girls in movies going through detox with the night sweats. I made it through another day, but it was tough. Oooh I just wanted to be bad, real bad, like ice cream and pastries and Whataburger bad. I know this takes time. I know there are bad days but I really just wanna lay down and say "you win addiction" and let it take me. 

But even with all that I ate a crazy amount of veggies today. 
Breakfast: Fiber One cereal, a fruit smoothie
Lunch: Two wraps with whole wheat tortilla, lettuce, spinach, veggie mix (corn, red pepper, yellow pepper, zucchini, red onion, carrot, and brown rice -from yesterday) turkey, and avocado
Dinner: Beef fajita meat, salad with lettuce, spinach, broccoli, red onion, carrot, radish, and salad dressing (full fat yes I admit it)

I also had 3 caramelized onion, feta, and rosemary muffins I got from the Prevention RD blog. I only meant to have 2 but.............

So I haven't given up yet but today was not easy. Everything in me wanted to give in. Hopefully I'll feel stronger tomorrow. Today I'm just glad there is no junk food in this house.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

No soda you say? Thanks I'll have 3.

So apparently there is a no soda in September challenge. Well apparently my mind got things a little backwards. It's mostly interesting because soda is really the easiest thing for me to give up. Now I love Dr. Pepper and Coca-cola don't get me wrong, but for some reason its not that hard for me to say no to. I have them occasionally but they aren't really a problem. I probably had 2 or 3 coke zeros for the month of August. So the no soda challenge seemed like a no brainer, non challenge really. But apparently the mention of soda made me want it really bad. Now thank goodness that I didn't have real soda around. BUT I did have 3 coke zeros. And they were deeeelicious.

The eating has been mostly good today but we had dinner at my moms and although I said no to pie, there was some delicious bread at dinner and I had 2 and 1/2 slices. I also caved when the Vienna Finger cookies were in front of me. I had 4. And this was really disappointing to me. It's funny how something you used to eat without thought becomes so big when you don't eat it any more. In the scheme of things, what I had was perfectly reasonable. I guess I'm still trying to find that balance.

Tomorrow I plan to go for a swim tomorrow morning. I can't put off the exercising much longer. I'm getting used to the healthier eating but now its time to start burning my fat stores away and building muscle. Now I always hate gaining muscle because I gain it so easily (thank you genetics) so I know that while things are evening out I won't lose as quickly as I would like. But I won't let this be an easy excuse. It's a flimsy one and only takes you so far. I also plan on really upping my water intake. And no more soda. Promise.