Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hellur! I'm on a diet!

Now some people like to say "lifestyle change" and that is what it is but your diet is technically what you eat on a regular basis. So me being "on a diet" means I am actively managing what goes into my body. So I do not fear the d word.

It is interesting to me how people seem to get really confused when you don't eat something. I was at dinner tonight and I didn't eat chips or queso. "You aren't going to eat any?" Ummm... no. People look perplexed like I've just announced that I'm an alien or something. How many times do you have to obviously be on a diet before people expect it? Now I guess as many times as I have failed, most people don't understand my new consistency. It does amuse me how guilty people look about their own eating, like they know they should probably do the same thing. When did I become the example?

I'm trying to stay positive about the work situation. I did get in the HGO chorus for Fidelio. That is a big relief, but to finish my application for substitute teaching I had to spend my last paycheck on the money I owed SMU so they will release my transcript. It's going to be really tight for awhile and I'm just getting really tired of being the "poor" one. It was okay at 23 but at 32 its getting kinda lame. It's also going to really cut into my shopping budget. I may lose weight the old fashioned poverty route. But I refuse to buy cheap crap food. If I have to subsist off chicken and broccolli, I will. I would rather have one meal of nutrition than 3 of junk. I just won't do it.But for now I have a full fridge and I will thank the Lord for my many blessings.

Official weigh in #1 Dun dun dun!!

Soooo, let's just rip off the band-aid real quick here. My official weigh-in is 333. It's a visually attractive number but not so much a physically attractive one. Now to put this in some perspective, my highest weight was around 350 and when I snuck a peek two or three weeks ago it was 341, so I'll take it. I haven't decided  if to say that means I have lost 8 pounds or to say that since my heighest  was 350 then I have lost 17. Hmmm.... what a conundrum. This also means that I am 18 pounds away from my first goal. Hopefully I can hack at a big chunk of that during September. Well, its off to veggieland I go.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Tuesday

What an enticing title huh? Well, thats what today was so I'm just gonna roll with it. I ate super well today even with a lot on my mind. I have been enjoying being able to take my time cooking. I need some steady employment but I know that it will only make things harder. I'll have less time and less energy to eat this well. But for now I'm enjoying the luxury of taking my time. I have found that cooking healthily can be very satisfying. I enjoy thinking about the benefits of all the ingredients that go into whatever I'm making. Like for lunch I made a salad. Romaine lettuce and green leaf lettuce, beautiful green nutrients. Carrots, purple cabbage, red onion, so much nutrition! Then I had ground turkey, hello nice lean protein and garlic, hello heart health! And unlike the short lived euphoria of sugar and carbs, this good feeling continues on. Well hello Kashi bar! Aren't you just full of whole grains, protein, and delicious dark chocolate. Good morning Mr. Greek yogurt with super protein. Now these are friends I don't have to be ashamed of and hide in the closet.

Well tomorrow I log in an official weight. I know its not the first yet but I will be at my moms tomorrow and her scale is my official scale.  I know its gone down, I know it has but seeing that number is still hard to take. Part of it is that I have been yo-yo ing around this weight for some time now. This number, while going down, is still quite higher than when I started last time. But when September is over I know it will be worth it and that having the loss down on paper will be a good thing.

Til tomorrow

Monday, August 29, 2011

Temptation Road

There is a main road near my house that has a row of fast food chains, including my beloved McDonald's. I can't drive on this road without thinking I should stop by. And now its been long enough that part of me would feel real free about rationalizing doing it. This is the power of addiction. It is so ingrained in me that fast food has got to be part of my life. I don't want to have to think about french fries and McNuggets every time I drive on this road. But I've realized that I have to go through it to get through it. I have programmed myself to think about it and to stop and eat it. I have to reprogram myself, and it's gonna take time. Pretending that it is not a problem doesn't help anyone.

So I made it through another drive without stopping for the oh so tasty fat and grease. I went to the grocery store and ransacked the produce department. I think I have every vegetable I could possibly want. It really is satisfying to see a grocery cart full of nourishment. It makes me feel good to know what is going to go into my body and that its gonna help it instead of just being dealt with. I like thinking about how my body must be loving all these wonderful vitamins and nutrients. I wish I could apologize to it for 32 years of mistreatment.

I also saw this commercial for a new Velveeta shells and cheese skillet meal. It just makes me so sad that they are acting like it is some delicious homemade alternative to eating out. IT IS CHEMICALS!! Chemicals and processed flour. Nothing in nature is that color or that consistency. I'm not saying that I wouldn't eat it, because I'm a food addict and it looks delicious. But let us at least be honest about what we are selling here. It is not a family meal.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Avoidance is key

How does one go from a veggie wrap for lunch to downing chocolate chips before bed? Addiction is a cruel mind game. I know how the aftermath feels yet my mind convinces me that the pizza and the chocolate are necessary for survival. How can I actually believe that I won't make it without it? I was so very close to not blogging tonight. I wanted to sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. But they say that you are only as sick as your secrets. I won't deny that I have a problem anymore. I don't want to hide in my bed and cry. I want to make sure that I wake tomorrow with a plan and know that I can keep going, that I can finally change my life and the way I think. I've been faced with a lot of temptation this month. I have resisted a lot of it. This weekend I failed. The trick is to remember that that does not mean that I am a failure. One choice does not erase the choices before or doom the ones ahead. I've read so many blogs and my first instinct is to feel sorry for myself that so many others did better than me this weekend. I turn positives into negatives. It seems to be the way my mind works. But I don't want to do that. I will take strength from these people. People who know the struggle and who fight like me. I have not been knocked down. I just have finally reached the trenches, where you stick it out and keep fighting no matter how grim it feels.

But making the choice for honesty can be embarrassing. But I know, I know this is good for me. And maybe it will be good for someone who reads this. Here is what I ate today.. (UGHHH!)

Whole wheat tortilla, turkey, cheese, light mayo, broccoli, carrots, purple cabbage,

4 bites of chocolate cake, mini reeses peanut butter cup, 2 slices of thin crust Pizza Hut pizza, 8-10 Hershey's kisses, 4 or 5 handfuls of chocolate chips.

This is my reality. This is what I put in my body today. I make no excuses and I refuse to feel pity for myself. I am a food addict. This is part of my truth, but it does not have to define me or my future. HEB produce department, I'll see you in the morning.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Saturday nervousness

So my audition this morning went well. But this of course means I didn't eat breakfast. So my brain screams "It's time to treat yourself, you deserve it." Same old story from the food addict handbook. But I handled it. I did stop at Starbuck's for a nonfat frappucino. Best choice, no, better choice, yes.

Now here is the scary part. I plan on eating a nice veggie wrap after I finish up this post. But then E is having people over for a fantasy football draft party. Now E is on Weight Watchers but she is the queen of self control and is perfect like 99% of the time, but today she is having a free day. This works for her, she is NOT a food addict. I have to give her props, she works very hard to maintain her weight in a family genetic pool that doesn't help in any way. Weight Watchers helps her maintain. So back to the Free Day (Alarm bells). In my house today there will be pizza, cake, candy and beer. 4 of my favorite things. I want to say that I will be a bastion of strength and nibble on my carrot while the festivities ensue. But in all honesty I can't say that. I don't really know what is going to happen, but I'm going to honestly give it my best effort. I'll update ya'll tonight.

Update: So things didn't go super well. I don't really want to go into what I ate because the most interesting thing is how I feel now. I have NO desire to eat junk tomorrow. I lived a little tonight, had some pizza beer etc. I cannot wait to eat healthy tomorrow. I can't actually believe it myself. This is a totally new sensation. I ALWAYS want pizza. Not this time. I want a veggie wrap and some fresh fruit and some whole grains. Maybe my body does know whats best for it. Wow!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Another door

Today was my last day watching the girls. Sad face. I will be living here for a few more weeks until my aunt's house is finished being built. This means that next week I have to be proactive about getting my substitute teaching paperwork done. My Houston Grand Opera chorus audition is tomorrow morning. If I get in again it will be a huge help in keeping me working. If I don't get in again, it's gonna be a slim month. If I don't get on the sub list then it looks like I'll be waiting tables again (please no!) I'm really hoping that the voice teaching job pans out because it will mean some experience until next year. I'm really leaning towards my doctorate but first I just want to work regularly and go on this cruise with my family in June. I would also like to go see my brother for Thanksgiving. E is going to rent a car so basically I just need to have enough money to chip in for the car and for expenses while I'm there, (I also hope to have a little for some black Friday shopping). It's times like these I could really use the Strattera, it makes getting all the little detail things done so much faster with almost no anxiety.

Today's eating was really good! Woot woot!

Breakfast: 2 slices whole grain bread with smart balance butter, strawberries,
Lunch: whole wheat tortilla with turkey, cheese, lowfat mayo, broccoli, carrots, radishes, and purple cabbage,   last skinny cow ice cream sandwich
Snack: Low fat popcorn, dark chocolate
Dinner: Morning Star Farms Chili (super loaded with protein and fiber), WW cheese, dollop of creme fraiche
Zantac (nerves and chili, acid city)

I'm thinking of starting to do the whole picture blogging thing. I enjoy seeing it on other blogs and it seems pretty cool. And my lunch wrap was so pretty. I am gonna upload a picture of me soon too.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hunting for Goals

I've thought a lot about goals lately. They are supposed to be the bastion of a good lifestyle change. But I feel like Little Red Riding Hood. This goal is toooo big, this goal is toooooo small. Where is my just right goal? But I think they are a good thing so here are my perfectly portioned goals.

1. 315 - This weight is the weight I started my first big post high school goal. (Reward - One item at Sephora)
2. 299 a.k.a Twoterville - This is the first very long stop before the ever lauded Onederland (I don't know who thought of that name but it is just too cute) (Reward - Charming Charlie $30 limit)
3. 290 - This is the lowest weight that I can actively remember, I was in the early years of colleges. (Reward -  TBD)

So there they are ladies and gents. The first big, on the books, goals. I'm not thinking past 290. Thats already like 50 pounds away, ugh! But I think my first ultimate goal is 180. I will see how that feels before deciding to go lower.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sweet Tooth moderation

So I started a little slide for the last week. But I am glad to say that it was little and I am still fully on track and still doing well. I have decided to not keep the Skinny Cow desserts in the house full time. They have been very helpful in keeping my sweet tooth satiated but I think I'm starting to get a little too attached to them. Yesterday I had 3. That's almost 400 calories of non nutrition. I'm not making them verboten but I think it wise to wait a few shopping trips to buy some more. This is also true of sunflower seeds. They take so long to eat and the fat in them is a good fat but I can sit and eat them for way too long. And can we say sodium. The next few days I will be focusing on drinking water cause I know this salt is not helping the water retention and we all know that more water is a good idea at any time.

I was very proud of the eating today. Breakfast was Kashi cereal, lunch was chicken and stir-fried red pepper, carrots, and broccoli. Dinner was salisbury steak and green bean casserole. I also had a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich and some fresh mango. I'm getting both wary and excited about the September 1st official weigh-in. Although I've stated my highest weight, I haven't put down an actual, everyone can see weight. I know that this is good for me. Denial has never helped me. I also read tons of blogs where people put their weight. But I have friends who read this blog, not that any of them would ever think less of me or be cruel. But knowing that they know is a little nauseating. So in one week, get ready for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I can't believe its almost been a month since I started. I haven't had fast food in almost a month. Holy burrito Batman! That in itself is deserving of a pat on the back.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Trying to run from the I'm nots

Having AD/HD makes you incredibly introspective. You have to analyze everything down to the nth degree. Several years ago, a roommate (a young man who wanted to save the world) was frustrated with me. He finally got fed up and confronted me on all these things that I did that were bothering him. He was truly flabbergasted when my reply was "I know, and I'm sorry." I went through every single item and talked about where it came from, how I felt about it, and how I was trying very hard to change. Needless to say, he didn't quite know where to go from there. Most people aren't prepared for acknowledgement and apologies. Try saying "I'm sorry" to someone who isn't expecting it. I had to tell this friend that I am many things but not being self-aware is a problem I don't have. I think its part of the reason I have trouble confronting other people. I know all the horrible things they can say about me and which ones are painfully true. And of course there is the fat girl inside who although she knows that they know, absolutely hates to hear someone say something about her size, even if its not mean.

So what does all this introspection mean. It means that I have a fully updated, notarized, carbon copied, in triplicate, list of the I'm nots.

I'm not.....
graceful, delicate, tactful, consistent, able to confront others, thin, able to stay on a diet, organized, able to keep my foot out of my mouth, instantly likeable, charming, a multitasker .....etc. etc. etc. etc.

These I'm nots fill too much of my time. And when I see others I think about them thinking about the she's nots. And why do I care so much? I wish I knew.

So for today I'm gonna try to look at the I ams for as long as I can.

I am funny, caring, a kick ass singer, an amazing baker, loyal, empathetic, giving, smart, pretty, talented with makeup, loving, thoughtful, witty, and beautiful.

What are some of your I ams?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Emotional baggage

Ever want to change the way you think about everything but just can't? That's how I've felt all weekend. I want to be powerful and inspirational. I don't feel powerful at all. I want to get back to my commitment to eating healthy but I've been full of excuses and hiding within myself. It's not that I have gone horribly wrong and am eating badly. I'm just not motivated to make the best choices. I went to the store today thankfully so I have those healthy options for tomorrow. I just feel trapped. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like no one sees me. Rationally I know that I can't expect people to always give me what I need. Right now I need some kindness, I need someone to think of me when they don't have to. But I'm painfully aware that its not going to happen. Then I also know that I shouldn't be so selfish. I should reach out and help others. But I've been too busy or lazy or preoccupied to find a way to volunteer. I need to do that. Stop making me the only part of the equation in my head. There are many people in my life who don't want or don't appreciate all this extra love I have to give. I want to go somewhere where I'm not just a freak but where what I say has value. The little girl inside of me just needs a hug I guess.

Sorry my posts have been so downtrodden but to act happy would be a lie.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sunday Mellow

I have one more week with the girls and then I have to start really trying to fill my hours with money making opportunities. Today was such a let down after yesterday. It was rather boring and lonely. I'm actually quite excited to go to the grocery store tomorrow because I have drained my vegetable supply. I do have a red pepper I need to eat. I think I'll roast it and eat it with my soup tomorrow. I can feel myself starting to slide a little. I took my vitamin and said no when mom suggested we order a pizza and after grabbing some hershey's kisses I put them back so today definetly had some victories. I totally almost caved too. I think I just need to really try to be diligent this week. I need to walk more and keep up the fruits and veggies. I found a recipe on the Prevention RD blog for zucchini banana bread and plan on trying that this week. There is also a recipe for beet hummus. I'm intrigued. See ya tomorrow.

Hello, My name is AD/HD.

It was a long busy day, but an absolutely wonderful one. I got paid well to sing, I had a wonderful coffee talk time with an old friend, and I had fun at a friends birthday party. I'm quite exhausted but am very glad to have had some human interaction. Its also wonderful to do that interacting with people who are more like me. I love my family, more than I can say. But they just don't get me. I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who has AD/HD too. It was SUCH A RELIEF to be able to talk about it with someone who struggles like I do. People just do not get what its like to deal with AD/HD every day of your life. And most people want to believe that its really not that big of a deal. I constantly hear, "not everything is about AD/HD, it can't be your excuse for everything." I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES!! I'm trying to explain what I go through. And, yes! everything about me goes back to AD/HD. I am AD/HD. It is part of how I think, how I learn, how I process information, how I relate to others, how I solve problems, and a myriad of other things. I can't disconnect the two without being a completely different person. My friend understood that and was in total agreement. It was so relieving to talk about all the things about AD/HD I think about and to hear someone go "Exactly!! I totally understand." My newest analogy is, go through your day exactly as you always do, don't change one single thing about your entire day. But while you are doing this I'm going to follow you around and throw ping pong balls at your face, constantly without stopping. And if you need to do something important, I will throw them faster and harder. Think about how much you would get done with someone throwing ping pong balls at your face, all....day.....long. Could you live your life? Yes, but when you had trouble, it would be obvious to everyone that dealing with the distraction of ping pong balls to your face would hinder your abilities. I have no such luxury. Unfortunately I can't give guided tours of my brain.

Now, I would be remiss to not talk about my eating for the day. I can't say that it was a total success but in a strange way it was successful. Breakfast was a granola bar and a juice box as I ran out the door and I remembered to grab my vitamin and my fish oil. (Eating breakfast for the win).  Lunch was provided (Jason's Deli). I chose the salad (Victory!) but then I had someones bag of chips (food addict knee jerk reaction, thumbs down). Then I went completely off reservation and had beignets with honey and coffee (bad choice, yes I'm aware). Then I had 3 drinks. Now this I have to give myself credit for. I have been out about 3 or 4 times when people were drinking and had water all the way. It was a reasonable thing. Now this means I had no dinner (Alarm bells!). So my mind says, "hey its Saturday, live a little, it's only one day, you didn't have dinner, you need to eat" I was fully ready to hit the McDonalds line hard core. But, I did not. (Victory, Rocky theme plays). Now without the greasy carbs to drown out all the coffee alcohol acidity I've done a pre-emptive Zantac strike. I believe that life is choices and balance. My balance may be slightly on the bad side today but I will not forget to look honestly at what I did right. These kind of days are all part of the journey.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Hills Are Alive

It's funny how fast I forgot how good singing feels. I went to rehearsal for this gig I have this weekend. It's really a good thing that singing isn't fattening because I think I would be (singing from Beauty and the Beast) "roughly the size of a barge!"  While I'm still worried about money and the future, singing always centers me and reminds me what a gift that this gift is. My eating was pretty good today. I had some chips and cookies provided at rehearsal. Breakfast was whole wheat apple pancakes from an Ellie Krieger cookbook, totally a keeper. Lunch was a burger (no bun) with pesto jack cheese, steamed cabbage, broccoli, and peaches. So all in all not a horrible day. I also realized that I won't be able to walk tomorrow. I'm gone all day for this gig and then I have birthday party that night. It looks like Sunday I'm gonna need to shake a tail feather.

Don't Cry Out Loud

I ended yesterday in a very very bad mood.This morning I made whole wheat apple pancakes. I drank my juice and took my vitamins. I remembered I need to slow down and not take me or my life so seriously. I've been on this mission to lose weight and as usual I am so hard core that I get frustrated when I lose so slowly. So I'm gonna slow down today and count my blessings. It's okay if I'm not perfect today. This is the weight I am, if I keep working at it, it WILL come off, there is just no other option for it. I ate pizza yesterday, it's not some life changing earth shattering calamity. The important thing is that it's not the norm anymore. I'm just gonna keep plugging away. I don't have diabetes yet, I'm still mobile, I'm not destitute, I'm in a good starting place. Today I'm gonna look around, accept where I'm at, and do my best job. Who wants broccoli for lunch? OOOH Me! Me!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Feeling Low

Oh, this day just keeps on slugging me in the face. I found out that the job I thought I got wasn't really. They want me to teach to kids in their afternoon class. They have hired another teacher for their upper level students. This means I will probably have only a couple students. This may not even be worth the gas to get down there. Well you know what! You don't know what a stupid decision that was. Okay so I don't have experience at teaching but I am a bad-ass at pedagogy. The human voice and communicating about it is my greatest strength. All I need is a little time. I really hope their other teacher fizzles out and bombs big time. I know that sounds vindictive but I was really excited about my first voice teaching job. I've made this huge decision to try and make a living now instead of furthering my opera career and I just didn't need that. Thank goodness I have a gig this weekend but now that is causing me stress because the music is pretty hard and I've only had it two days and I want to make connections so I can get more gigs. I'm also worried about the Houston Grand Opera chorus audition too. What if they don't need any more singers. I really need that income while I'm trying to get a studio going. I really don't want this year to be super meager but unless some things solidify I'm gonna be trying to find high fiber ramen. I am in such a bad mood. Oh yeah and by the way, I'm still fat. I'm in the dumps, I need some cheer.

The Hut Strikes Again

I did not want to blog this afternoon. I did NOT want to talk about lunch today. But what is this thing for if not for honesty and to share my story, the ups and the downs. I brought the girls over to their Grandma's house for lunch. I knew it wouldn't be super healthy but I was ready to control my portions. Well Grandma decided to order pizza. I told myself to stick to one slice. DISASTER!!! I lost all control and had....4 pieces and a slice of dessert. Ugh. This is my first big slip up. I feel gross and disappointed in myself. I also have this music to learn which means I really don't have time to exercise today. I think the girls and I will have a dance party so I can at least get some movement down. We are going to have to do the same thing tomorrow because I have a gig tomorrow night (the one I have to practice music for). Saturday I've promised myself another hour walk. Fiber and veggies, here we come. I need some support right now, I'm feeling a little lonely.

Camera Shock

So last night I finished my daily goals by taking some photos to be my official "before" photos. Ouch, reality is not a pretty thing. I guess my mental image of myself is just not the same as my reality. I am much bigger than I feel. It made me feel sad and motivated at the same time. I want next months picture to look a little different. I had decided to do monthly weigh-ins instead of weekly so I also decided to add a picture each month too. This is a hard discipline for me as it seems I need something to be obsessive over. The AD/HD in me has to latch on to something and just run with it, although I know a lot of dieters get stuck with scale obsession. I tried the daily weigh-in, such a bad idea. Weekly weigh-ins were better but not by much. I am really trying to focus on how I feel and knowing what I put in my mouth. If I'm gonna obsess about something I prefer it be about this blog or how many vegetables I eat. My AD/HD won't change but I can learn to adapt it to healthier goals. Now my vanity won't allow me to post these pictures until I have at least one noticeable "after" picture to put beside it so you'll see those in a couple months. I was gonna say might but decided to change my language.

Today's Goals-
1. Practice the music for my gig this weekend.
2. Clean my room
3. Get in the pool and get movin'
4. Veggies, veggies, veggies
5. Write my studio policies for school

Thats quite a list but I know I'll feel better if I just get it done instead of sitting around letting anxiety build a knot in my stomach.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Letting the dream go

As I was walking this evening... oh.. I didn't tell you yet? My bad! I went walking this evening, for an hour! I am so freakin proud of myself right now. Full disclosure: 5 of those minutes were post walk stretching. Yes! I actually stretched after exercise. I'm amazing... can I just say that....yep.... I'm amazing. Amazing, yet incredibly off topic. As I was walking, my mind went to its myriad of negative places and I thought about the last time I tried to walk every day. Then I thought "NO! I'm walking forward. I'm walking away from my old life and into a new one." It does not matter what is back there.

Earlier today I was talking to a friend about just settling down and making a career as a teacher instead of continuing to chase the dream of being an opera singer. It should be harder. I should regret giving up and I should regret spending all this time on something I plan to give up on. But I don't, I love the voice, I love singing, and I love telling others about how their vocal instrument works. I let go of  a dream and I didn't even realize it til now. I'm looking forward to a life that involves a home and staying close to my family. This brought me to all the other dreams and fantasies I carry. So many of them aren't exactly unhelpful but they certainly aren't helpful. Movies and songs tell us to never stop chasing our dreams. But isn't it okay to dream about a life well led with family and friends? or a goal that's realistic?

So here is a list of dreams and their accompanying realities.

1. Dream - I will wake up tomorrow and be skinny
Reality - I will wake up tomorrow knowing that I'm a fraction smaller than I was yesterday

2. Dream - I want to be a famous opera singer
Reality - The odds are against me and it will take years of stress and poverty that I just don't want to go through

3. Dream - If I'm as nice as possible, people will change by my example
Reality - I have no control over other people

4. Dream - McDonalds is healthy
Reality - McDonalds can NEVER be part of my regular diet

5. Dream - A loving man will fall in my lap
Reality - I'm gonna have to start looking for a man.

6. Dream - I will never have health problems
Reality - The longer I am this weight, the more I will pay for it later

7. Dream - People will always be exactly who I remember them to be
Reality - People change, including me

8. Dream - I can be a size 4
Reality - I am built sturdy and nothing will change that

9. Dream - I don't have AD/HD
Reality - AD/HD is part of my life and will always be. Medication can help but I have to find my best life with the cards I was dealt

I want to live in the present but its a struggle for me. But today I am walking forward and I've left some more baggage on the road behind me.

Anyone else have any dreams they are letting go of?

Food is a drug, make no mistake

Today has been a little rough so far (ack! its only noon). I really don't want to eat any veggies or honestly to work at all. I feel like a drug addict going through withdrawal. I want to sit in a pile of candy and fast food and just lose myself. This real world is just so.. real. It's boring and full of tasks that I don't want to do. I know that the beautiful haze of the beginning is over. My body is getting used to the change but my mind is obviously not ready. I won't let this be the end but I really feel that today is going to be quite a struggle. It's one of those dig down deep and just get it done kind of days. It's time to make my veggies. One step at a time.

Today I will -

1. Eat my vegetables
2. Go buy some earphones and go for a walk
3. Finally take some before photos

I am so grateful I have found the blogging community, its helped more than I can say. I have 4 followers! Woot woot!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Naysayers

Why is it just because you have failed numerous times (okay hundreds of times) to lose weight that people look at you like you are crazy when you try again. Am I just supposed to quit?  I blew it, it's all over, no more chances! Isn't 2 days eating healthy better than none? If I never lose this weight isn't it better to have some health mixed in there? I have a family member who made fun of me because I wanted to try the Fiber One brownies. Why not try to be the healthiest I can be? I don't want to settle for thin, I want to nourish myself, and that means FIBER, lots of it. It's the key to a healthy digestive system. And where does your food (the literal part of "you are what you eat") get processed? Bingo! The digestive system. Fiber is an amazing thing. So it just irritates me when people act like its crazy to try to be better, to do the best you can. If you have the knowledge to make the best food choices, then you should do your best to use that knowledge. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I can't try to be healthy. It's a big delusion to think that just because you are thin and you get on the treadmill every day that your lack of a wide array of nutrients doesn't affect you. It's going to be quite a surprise to this person when we are 80 and I'm running circles around her.

So now that that is out, I need to release this negativity towards her. I have no control over other people. I have no control over other people. I have no control over other people.

Even after all that, I didn't get all my veggies in today. I was going to eat some as a snack but I didn't eat til dinner. I guess missing veggies is better than supplementing with carbs. And I tried to really get moving in the pool today. I had a skinny cow dessert. Its a really hard line making sure I don't get too strict and trying not to think about eating the whole box of desserts. But I just had one (and it was deeeeeeeeee licious)

The time factor

I get stuck on time. Its probably the hardest part about this thing. I really don't have a problem eating vegetables. Exercise is difficult but (thankfully) not impossible. But waking every morning and not seeing any difference after all my hard work is excruciating..  I know in my head that I did well yesterday but my clothes aren't much looser yet (just a fraction, which I need to acknowledge and be proud of). I still hurt, its still work to climb stairs and get around the house. Whine, whine, whine, man we dieters do that a lot.

So I've just decided I need to remember whats going well. Positivity, its good for the mind and the body.

1. I am not bed-ridden (one of my fears)
2. I'm taking vitamins and my Omega 3-6-9 oils which means I'm nourishing my body and adding quality to my years
3. I can still dance
4. I like a variety of fruits and vegetables
5. I can touch my toes easily
6. Fiber - digestive health - like clockwork baby!
7. I have more energy
8. I don't have to special order clothes (Thank God for Lane Bryant - despite the jokes its nice to have pretty clothes)
9. I can walk without help
10. I'm educated in nutrition and know whats real and what's hype

The weather (I'm in Texas) seems to have finally broken a little and the evenings are cool enough to walk. I like working out in the pool but its not a consistent exercise. Walking is easy and doable. I need to go out and get some more earphones. When my job situation evens out and I have moved I do plan on joining a gym. I really love the elliptical trainers and want to start a weight training regime. But I know myself and I know that if I jump into something too fast, I never stick with it and I wear myself out too fast. I know that its consistency that is the most important. I'm starting with moving more. I need to buy some more workout songs. Any ideas?

Monday, August 15, 2011

The price of health

So I ended up with another $90 dollar grocery bill this week. That really frustrates me, bad food costs less. It just does. You would think that food that takes less time in a factory wouldn't be so expensive. As I rolled my cart to the car tonight I thought about how much this is going to cost me. It made me a little queasy. But then I remembered the cost of not getting healthy. The price of medicine I will eventually have to take if I don't get healthy now. The doctors visits and the hospital care. That should really scare me but I have to remind myself because it isn't so present. It doesn't show up in my pocketbook yet.

But I think the price I've paid to stay fat is way to high. The way my feet hurt, the clothes that wear out faster, the overall pain of being fat, it's not worth the savings at the grocery store. I have to pay now to get the results I want. I know it will be worth it.

Morning a.k.a. fiber time

Its not that I want to eat badly today, it's just that I don't want to care. I just want to eat whats close and whats at hand. But I know thats a bad idea. I don't have "healthy eating" autopilot yet. I sure as heck have "Fast food" autopilot, and "Eat the most unhealthy thing in the room" autopilot.  I have to make Conscious decisions instead of unconscious ones. That takes more energy than I have right now especially since I had a few fatty foods over the weekend. My body is like a very delicate thermometer. I can feel any change in it now. I didn't binge or go crazy this weekend, I controlled myself (amen for small miracles) but I felt the effects of each decision. I can honestly say I'm not a fan of that. Isn't the effect on the scale enough, do I really have to feel each wrong food so intimately. I really want to make it through this month. Making it through August is a big deal right now. I guess you could say its my first goal. Why yes, I've just decided.

Goal # 1. Make it through August

Small and attainable and something to look forward to.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Blog World (Inspiration Central)

So now that I've had my blog for the incredibly long span of like 10 days I've done some reading of other blogs. They are so sophisticated. There are all these different things you can do. Now I just don't see myself doing all those things but I would love to have some more readers (The self-defeating part of my personality says "Why would anyone want to read this and who do you think you are, actually wanting people to read it") Well I've learned in these few short days the helpfulness of community. I have been inspired beyond what I ever thought I would be. I've read about dieting success stories and about people who struggle just as hard as I do. The sheer number of weight loss blogs is astounding. Every one I go to has links to even more, no one could ever read them all. I have found blogs with people who are nothing like me except for the fact that they are working on losing weight. They do things, in ways I would probably never do them. Some are much older than me, some have lost more weight than I need to, and some have lost much less than I need to. Some are fitness fanatics (its exhausting just looking at their pictures.) But tonight I found a blog about a person who seems very similar to me. www.asmallloss.com. Her starting weight is almost exactly mine, she is very close to my age, and she is a foodie too. She has lost 150 pounds. I wonder what it must be like to be where she is now. Its something I am so very far away from. But I'm not alone and the easing of the loneliness is a very wonderful thing. I don't know if my blog will ever get read or if it will ever be very fancy but I'm incredibly glad I'm writing one now.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Damn the salty goodness

I feel like today was where things are getting real. The honeymoon phase of the diet romance is always rather short. Then things come up and you are forced to make choices. To decide whats worth it, whats acceptable, whats cheating, whats just living a little, and what is a hard veer off course. I wasn't perfect today but its kind of a relief. To have that first mistake, that first "oh I shouldn't a' done that" moments. I've been doing exceptionally well eating out. Tonight Erika and I shared a dessert and I didn't eat all my dinner and I didn't have a single chip. But tonight when Erika opened the Tostitos I just gave in to the eating mechanism. It didn't feel as good as I remembered . But tomorrow I decide what its gonna be. I will have to make these choices again and again. I don't feel all gung-ho, guns ablazing, we're gonna beat this thing! I just feel grounded in knowing whats at stake and what its going to take. I have no delusions, I have no grand pronouncements of guaranteed success but I feel more ready than I've ever felt. I want a better life and I want it bad enough to go into tomorrow fighting.

Friday, August 12, 2011

You can only go forward

I've spent most of my life regretting the past. Tonight I saw an old friend who I haven't seen in two years. Things just weren't the same between us. It became obvious that we had gotten older. There is nothing wrong with that, its the way of life. I still adore this person and plan to be friends for a long time. I just have to start living for today and tomorrow only. The past is gone no matter how desperately I want it back. Some days when I am feeling low I play the what would I do different game. I imagine waking up, knowing what I know now, when I was any number of ages. You aren't supposed to regret so many things. I know the amount to which I do it is unhealthy, I just don't quite know how to stop. Wanna get skinnier, you eat less and move more. I know that that is the solution, no ifs ands or buts. But how do you change something like that? How do you change a thought, a mental way of living, not just a physical one. There is no obvious solution to me. Instead of cherishing what the future will bring to our friendship, I mourn those times I remember. I miss being in college, I wish I had cherished it more then. I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. Ugh, its such a load on my shoulders.

The past also looms over even the good things. We went to Chuy's for dinner. I amazed myself. I knew I wanted to enjoy myself and focus on portions instead of sticking with the I have to eat a salad mantra. This has to be live-able, I need to focus on the addiction, not just the nutrition facts of everything I put in my mouth. That means eating something I want but doing it the right way. I'm not gonna eat a salad at every meal. Its just not realistic. So the first amazing thing is I had one (yes one, singular, uno, solitary) chip with creamy jalapeno dip. I had the Friday special enchiladas, this means (dare I say it) a cream sauce and flour tortillas. But (drum-roll please) I had the vegetarian enchiladas. There was a little cheese but it was packed with veggies too. You should have seen my friends face when I said vegetarian (he lived with me so he's not unaware of my eating habits). It was worth skipping the extra cheese or beef just seeing his face. I quickly assured him that I am no vegetarian.. I only ate one and a half of the enchiladas and a couple bites of beans and rice. I really wanted more but I was feeling satisfied. Oh the cruelty of not getting to feel stuffed! It just doesn't feel fair. But all I could think of was the past, the failures, the restarts, the do-overs, the dietary mulligans. Not only can I not believe I can change, It seems that I believe that my past dictates my future.

So as I was driving home, I mentioned to my other friend about how it was different seeing this friend again. I ended .up saying "You can only go forward, there is no going back." When I said it, I meant it in a very sad melancholy way but then I began to think about what that sentence meant to my quest to deal with my food addiction. I can't go back, this is what I weigh today, this is where my addiction has gotten me. Then I thought, I don't have to go back, there is only forward, which means I haven't failed yet. Those mistakes, those failures are yesterdays failures and they don't exist anymore. I exist here, this very moment, and right now my stomach feels empty because I made the right choices at dinner. And I can only go forward from here, I choose. I choose. I choose.

The energy to stuff my face

So I woke up today and ba-zing! I'm like full of energy and don't feel the usual fog. I know that the obtaining of employment has released some stress but I'm gonna give those veggies and vitamins their due.

Now here comes the problem. Problem? Seriously? More energy and feeling fitter, what's wrong with that? Well now that I'm ready to go, I have nothing to do. Then I hear the refrigerator and the pantry calling in perfect harmony. "Bored? Need something to do? We have plenty of things to keep you entertained!" Its one truly cruel thing about food addiction. There is no time (except when I'm really really nervous) that I can't find some reason or craving to eat. It's like black shoes, it goes with just about everything. So I've done pretty good today and I'm feeling a little better but I can vaguely hear the food calling me. "Down boy! Bad refrigerator! Bad pantry!"

Also now that its been about 10 days, I'm feeling the anxiousness. I know how long this is going to take. I really do. There is no magic pill. I can't wake up tomorrow and be where I want to be. This is a long term change that needs consistency and tenacity. But now that the routine is in place its just a waiting game. I haven't had soda, or fast food, or candy (for total accountability I will say that I have a little bit of dark chocolate every day but seeing as its the super dark kind that in small quantities is super good for you I'm not counting it). I've eaten tons of veggies and fruits. (Today I had steamed purple cabbage. Um... amazing! Who knew?) Now I'm just playing the waiting game. I    am    not    good    at      the    waiting    game. Now the weighing game, that I'm a champ at. So I'm trying to focus on something I can get close to. Its one of those weight loss strategies everyone talks about. For me its the only thing keepin me holdin on. So for now I am just focusing on getting my pants to feel looser.  BUT I WANT TO BE THIN NOW!!!! oops... my bad.

So the moral of the story, steamed purple cabbage is tasty.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Good news but no drive-thru

So after a night of troubled sleep I finally got through it and got through my interview. I have a job (pending paperwork and a background check.) Since I didn't eat breakfast because of the time crunch and my nerves my stomach went crazy after it was all over. The first thing I thought was, "I did it, I should celebrate. Where should I go eat." It's such an instant reaction. I was proud and shocked that I really made myself say no. I still miss bad food, I miss it very much. Its supposed to lessen as time goes by. People even say they don't really crave it anymore. Oh please oh please oh please let that really happen. I want a McNugget so freakin bad right now. And that addict part of me keeps chanting "but you deserve it!" But don't I deserve to feel healthier, to live longer, to dance harder. I want to go into that little place that says, "it will just be this once and then you can go back right to it." The cold hard reality is that its never just one celebration dinner. If it was, my ass wouldn't be so darn big. I really want to be gung ho right now. I really want to be Ms. Positive takin it one day at a time. But its just not how I feel right now. I just feel fat and old and I really don't want to eat healthy today. So I made one small victory, I will just try to hold on real tight to that.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Lite Brite of the Mind

I've thought long and hard about a way to describe what having AD/HD is like and here is the best I have so far.

Now I can't truly illustrate what the average normal brain is like, I've never had one.

Now imagine that your brain is two Lite-Brites. The first Lite-Brite is an average size Lite-Brite that many of you had as children. This Lite-Brite is your short term memory. It stays in front of you and carries most of your attention throughout your day. The second Lite-Brite is huge and can hold an amazing number of those little plastic nubby things. This Lite-Brite is your long term memory. Now, the nubs in the first Lite-Brite can only stay in place for a certain amount of time. Either you transfer them to the second Lite-Brite or they are gone forever. If you go back to the nub before it falls out of place you can make it stay in longer and you are more likely to be able to transfer it to the large Lite-Brite. This second Lite-Brite has a very detailed but easy to use filing system. It is rare for nubs to fall out and the large percentage of them stay in for a very long time. So as your day goes by you insert nubs into the Lite-Brite. Each color represents something different. Some nubs are rather boring, such as the what I am wearing nub, or the making breakfast nub, or the driving to work nub. These nubs aren't usually revisited and are mostly not put into the second Lite-Brite. Now some nubs are very important and you place them carefully and make sure to revisit them often so they can be in as long as you need them or can be put on the second Lite-Brite. These nubs can be things you study in school, an important to-do list, or remembering to do your taxes. Now occasionally some of these nubs won't stick and they fall out immediately. Its annoying and disconcerting but not detrimental.

Now the AD/HD brain has most of these things in common but we have some extra special deluxe Lite-Brite features. First of all, the first Lite-Brite is bigger with more holes and can fit many more nubs. Now I go along with my day putting nubs into the first Lite-Brite but instead of putting them in methodically at a steady pace I cram in as many as possible as fast as I can. And I can't stop I just keep cramming them in. The fact that this Lite-Brite is larger means I can put many nubs in that most people wouldn't. This sounds awesome and sometimes it is but its much harder to be positive I put the most important nubs on the second Lite-Brite. The sheer amount of nubs and the frantic pace causes me to not be able to revisit most of my nubs. I have to scan them all every few seconds and try to hold onto the important ones. But many times when I try to scan over them, several of them fly out and bean me in the face, or I keep going back to the same nub over and over and over and over and over even if its not an important one. Or, my favorite, the nubs start changing colors and the board starts to spin. Which nub is which? Another thing that happens is called hyper-focus (a real AD/HD term). This is where I ignore every single nub except one which I stare at for long periods of time. All the other nubs fall out but I don't even notice. Now this makes it much harder to get nubs moved over to the second Lite-Brite. It's also hard to use the second Lite-Brite when the first one has to be watched so carefully.

Now I don't know if that makes much sense but its the best illustration I could think of to come close to what I deal with every day. You can't really blame me for wanting a cookie after that.

Fearmongering

So here is how it works. Someone says, "Will you come do a mini lesson for my student?" This is the standard interview process for voice teachers. Nothing new, nothing terribly special. Thousands of voice teachers, competent, smart, stupid, and downright lazy have done this. But tell that to the sea of queasy in my stomach.

Now here is AD/HD's fun little game. It starts with, "what if I'm not ready?" Then it becomes hours of imagery. Not good imagery. I'm talking every single question I can't answer, every voice problem I can't help with, and every awkward silence imaginable. Every..single..scenario, replayed over and over and over until I want to puke.

And now instead of pounding a chocolate cake, I have to be alone with my hamster wheel brain.

But on an ironically good note, my mom asked me to make a dessert for her bible study on Monday. Now I know you might wonder how dessert can be a positive thing, but it's the first time someone has specifically asked for one of my desserts. My desserts have always been received well and they always get eaten, but no one ever asks specifically for me to bake them one. I'm quite honored, even if it is just my mom.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

There are so many things you can't do when you are fat. There are so many things you won't do because you are fat. It always amazes me that while wanting these things so badly, one still chooses the cheeseburger. Now I love  McDonalds but they are no replacement. So here is a list of things I want to have. Many of these reasons are why I made the right choices today.

1. Ride a roller coaster. I love, love, love roller coasters. I no longer fit in them.
2. Buy clothes in department store.
3. Wear dresses and skirts comfortably
4. I LOVE high heels. I want to wear them sooooooooo badly.
5. Not worry about my nieces saying something about my size
6. Climb stairs easily ( I will always hate stairs but maybe we could have a truce)
7. Sit in a plane comfortably and never again have to ask for a seatbelt extender (traumatizing even though the attendants have always been absolute professionals about it)
8. Flirt without fear and only be turned down for my personality
9. Go hiking in the mountains (I love nature, I hate wheezing like a dying man after 5 minutes)
10. Have to give away clothes that are too big
11. Not have to mentally measure a chair to see if my ass will fit in it
12. Gracefully enter a room at least one time in my life
13. Did I mention shoes?
14. Have my blue eyes be the first thing you notice
15. Go skydiving

I know there are more and I'll keep adding them as I go.

Showtime

I've been waiting for it, knowing it will come. I've been eating super well and today I even surprised myself (more about that later.) I had a skinny cow dessert, which is perfectly fine. But now I want to eat the whole box. This is where addiction kicks into high gear. I'm gonna have to deal with this all night and maybe feel the after effects tomorrow. There is a sense of need, of urgency that is overwhelming. Like my whole salvation is in that box. I know its a distraction. I know enough about addiction to know I'm using it to ignore feelings. I have some job opportunities coming up and I am terrified. I have no confidence in my abilities. I know that some of that comes from the AD/HD. I may be really smart but I've felt like a fraud and have been overwhelmingly unprepared for things. I cruise by but I missed a lot of information because of not paying attention. I have a friend who has dealt with a learning disability. I beat him on every test but I know that he retains information that I never really got a hold of. I try not to regret the fact that I got diagnosed so late. But seeing him excelling because he learned how to cope with it. He worked his butt off. I try every day to not let anyone know how little I  really know. But I also know that I never, ever give myself enough credit. I know how much I could know. My mind is capable of seeing the larger picture that even though I am very educated and know a lot of stuff, I am truly aware of my shortcomings. So I know I will make it through these next weeks but I will always be terrified of looking completely incompetent. Which is kinda funny because I know so many people who are deemed competent who I know are not very smart at all.

So, I still can't believe what I did today with food. So I made a bowl of fibery rainbow goodness and I realized that its not really the flavor that starts turning me off, its the physical labor of chewing all that tree bark. So I made a salad, in the blender. I drank a (I can't quite believe it myself) cabbage, broccoli, carrots, radish, and strawberry smoothie. And although interesting, it was edible and not all that bad. I think I'm gonna have to get a stronger blender. I'm a fiber maniac.

Shouldn't I be happy now?

So I'm loaded down with vegetables and fruits and protein. But I just don't feel like it. I'm having a down day. I don't want to deal with all this reality. Even now, my hands hover over the keyboard and my mind falls into quiet melancholy. You would think that I would want less chatter in my brain but I know that complete shutdown isn't much better. It's like a fog has entered my mind. It makes me want to forget all the good that I've done. I don't want to think about the future but so far that hasn't been the best plan. I wish I knew what to type. Panic is so much easier to type out. The feelings just flow out and released. This grip holds on. It makes sure I know how bad I feel. Happiness is a choice, no one tells you how difficult it is to get there. I'm trying hard to choose it.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Difficult stuff ahead

I think everyone has that time in their lives where they know there are difficult times ahead. Of course my difficulties are minute compared to the difficulties in the world around me. I am aware of my blessings, which are incredibly numerous. That being said, my problems are my problems. They keep me up at night. They keep that knot of fear growing in my stomach. Rationally I know I will be fine but Irrational Irene controls the upstairs functions a little too often. I learned that ADDers have a hard time with fears and anxieties. Because we see the world in such a big picture, we know every single (and obsess over) every single outcome. I can see every outcome including ones that end with me in a ditch with no family, no friends, and no money. Do I see that this outcome is almost impossible. Of course I do, I'm not a lunatic. But when your mind goes as fast as mine, that outcome gets replayed over and over and over in HD with subtitles, a roaring soundtrack, and super fast play. I really would enjoy being a little less open-minded. Obliviousness where art thou?

So my time as nanny is almost over. I've finally started being an adult about things and am actively pursuing a job. I know that once I get into the routine of things, I will be fine. The quick thinking solving problem ADD brain will go into effect. I will do well at my job. I will try hard. I just might vomit and worry and obsess myself into the ground before then. I know I have to start. But.. but... I don't wanna :P

But where is my crutch, my shining salvation in carb format? I will have to balance eating like a horse and not letting candy ease the stress and the queasiness of fear. I think I might cry right here and now. I am worried about keeping this going when the going gets tough. The tough may get going, but the ADD food addict watches sitcoms surrounded by McDonald's bags and chocolate cake. Change? No thanks, I'd rather not.

Vegetable rainbow

So apparently you aren't just supposed to eat vegetables. You are supposed to eat vegetables of different kinds and colors, different colors equaling different vitamins and nutrients. Well okay so I get that but unfortunately I am only one person. Now I love fibery goodness but trying to eat down a whole vegetable cart before they all spoil is a little difficult. Now Kraft mac-n-cheese, thats what we call shelf life. But I do have to say I outdid myself today. I made me a little salad. Now normally this consists of greens, some tomatoes, maybe a little broccoli and then for special occasions some healthy fat filled avocado. Not today my friends. I made a salad rainbow. Broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, red cabbage, spinach, radish, and some fresh purple hull peas. (I really wished I had some red onion too.) But that meant I only used a little of each. I think its inevitable that I'm going to end up throwing away some but I think I"m willing to deal with that little bit of waste. I mean its all super biodegradable. Of all things to worry about, I guess a little spoiled vegetable is not it.

I also got some of that fancy stuff called fresh fish. Talk about pressure. This is too much food to keep track of.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I really should go to bed. I really want McDonalds. I filled my refrigerator with vegetables and fruit. I wish I could feel better about it. The shine has definitely come off this eating change. I'm fibered and vitamined up. I'm eating a rainbow of produce but I'd rather have a plate of crispy brown. I really wish this song would stop playing in my mind. I know its just an Add mechanism doing its thing. I don't want to get depressed but without food as a pacifier I'm gonna have to deal with these feelings. Regret, loneliness, sadness, self-hatred, melancholy, and overall blahness. I don't want to think of the pressure to get a job and to figure out my future. I worked forever to be a singer and now I feel like I don't want that at all. But it's use it or lose it and I don't want to regret not singing anymore some day. But you have to be so motivated and always moving forward to make it in the singer game. With my Add and other mental issues I can hardly get anything done but desperately trying to not just sit numbly trying to block out reality. I can feel the wave about to come over me. Tomorrow is gonna be a battle. Holy crap, here comes Monday.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Panic! Halt! Relax! repeat

I was so peacefully dozing and I reflected on my small portion of ice cream tonight and thought, "Have I really beaten this?" Alarm Bells. "I've only begun to fight!!!!! This only gets harder in the beginning!!!" And my mind runs screaming through the streets of my mind. I realize the agonizing months ahead of me. I then begin obsessing. How much weight can I lose in a year, new clothes, the millions of choices to be made and the amounts of fruits and vegetables. I do this every time, focusing on things that have never occurred.And how many times have I dreamed of the finish line. It truly seems unbelievable. I mean completely unfathomable. Imagining myself at a healthy weight is like trying to understand the universe going on forever. My brain can't even compute it hypothetically. This of course leads me into a brain whirlwind about my future and my ADD brain takes over. I can just hear the tune of the carousel. Around and around we go, getting absolutely nowhere.

Ok.........Breathe in....... breathe out. I am a zen master. Ahhhh.......... peaceful calm. This day is over. Tomorrow will begin as it will. Worry is useless. One good portion of ice cream will do for today.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda

Regret is a truly ugly despairing thing. I was dancing with my nieces and I realized how I wish I had stayed in dance classes. First though, let's be clear. Now I only took dance classes for two years and to say I am not athletically inclined is quite the understatement. I was awful. I could never get the steps right and I was the least graceful thing ever on two feet. I felt ridiculous and didn't enjoy it. Somewhere there is a videocassette of me in a dance recital. I am the chunky girl completely out of step and looking confused the entire time. I would never have been a professional dancer. I am built like my father. I think "stocky" is the word most frequently used. The excuse "but I'm big boned" is actually viable for me. A healthy weight for me would be 180 pounds. Seriously. I'm quite the coquette. I think my skeleton is a size 10. No one mourned my dancing career when I stopped. But something happened to me as I got exposed to the arts. I love ballet and I love music. As a classical singer I understand the connection between body and rhythm. When I was young I pretended to be a ballerina. But only in the swimming pool where gravity is less of a bastard. Ok I admit I still do it. I also loved biology and the miraculousness that is the human body. I love the feeling of my body in graceful motion. As a slow song came on this evening and my 7 year old niece began her ballerina poses I started to do my own ballerina dance. Will this dance ever see the light of day? Oh hell no. I am fully aware of how ridiculous I looked. But my God it feels good. Except my obese body just won't do what I want it to do. I'm no ballerina but there is a dancer inside my heart. I just feel the movement and the rhythm. In my early 20's I would stay on the dance floor at the club all night. Even my skinny friends were knocked out by my stamina. It would hurt the next day but its one of the greatest feelings ever. I don't think I'll ever understand people who don't like to dance. It hurts my heart that I can't even do a plie or a simple leap in the air. I'm not asking for much here. I would never have gone pro but I know I could have been a decent dancer. It is such a huge regret in my life. And where does regret lead one? Right to the candy dish.
There is a baby shower going on downstairs and I literally want to push over a pregnant lady to get to the mini quiches. I've been sitting for a half hour hoping that there will be leftover, calculating number of quiches to guests in attendance. There is a good chance there will be some. It would be nice to just relax on my afternoon off but instead I'm thinking about the deliciousness of mini quiches and those little sandwich rolls from a box. Aren't there better things to think about? Apparently not, but on a good note I do feel some victory from my successes yesterday. I almost stopped at McDonalds and if I did stop I was only going to get a happy meal. I knew I wasn't hungry (luckily that didn't hit me until 3 a.m. and then I forced myself to think of the beauty of an empty stomach and the forcing of my body to burn up its fat stores)

I've also made a decision to only weigh myself once a month. This may seem weird since weighing yourself weekly is supposed to help your weight loss goals. Well that doesn't work for me. I find myself obsessing over every little pound. That obsession actually makes me want to eat more. So I've decided to focus on how my body feels. And after a week of green eating I know I feel healthier and less bloated. So I am going to focus on that. Its going to be hard to stay away but I know at the end of the month it will be worth it. My highest weight was 350 (yes, tragic isn't it? I'm a 5'7 female). Thank the Lord above I carry it well. I don't look weird, I just look fat. Fat but proportionate (I'll take it) I always feel so bad with the girls with oddly shaped fat parts. That must be horrible. I have been overweight all my life so I guess I'm mostly worried about how my poor beat up body will look. Please Lord let me find a man who can look past my beleaguered body. I got around 330 but I know I've gone up since that. Most scales don't go past 330 pounds. Nothing like an error message to make you feel like a house.

I seriously want that baby shower to be over. I am hungry (for real this time) and after my beautiful leafy lunch i think a mini quiche and a sandwich roll will be ok. Now trying not to eat the whole platter is the real battle.

The Blogging Begins

Here are my previous days journals.


Food Addict       AD/HD

These are my labels. These labels seem to define me. Matt says I love to put people in boxes and I admit that that’s true. And I live my life under these looming labels. The Food Addict label has been my burden since youth. Its always been a two-edged sword. It’s my constant, the thing my life pivots around. I’ve done lots of things in my life, but food has always been on my mind.When things are bad, its numbing shelter has kept me from going crazy. When my mind gets carousel, turning round and round, food always makes it stop. When things are good, food is a beautiful celebration. I am an amazing baker, which is a very cruel thing. The really sad thing about it is that I don’t love baking just for the food. I love creating something. Ingredients, measuring, seeing something coming together from all those parts. I also love being skilled at something that I can share with others. Its satisfying seeing someone enjoy something that I’ve made. Its also hard to hoard bake goods. Giving away cake has never been frowned upon. Even if I finally break this addiction, I can’t give up baking. Its something that gives me too much joy. But the reality is, its killing me. I’m slowly gaining weight and its killing me. Physically and mentally crushing me.
            Now AD/HD was definitely the silent killer. Very termite like. It shaped my whole life, everything I did, but I just thought I was crazy. It caused anxiety, depression which (shockingly!) drives me straight to the carbs. AHH carbs, but don’t get me started on that. Whats the most interesting is that learning I had it lifted a huge burden off of me. Being crazy is one thing. Not understanding how or why is excruciating. Letting go of that much self hatred and shame was amazing. Sadly the honeymoon was short lived. I can’t afford my medicine and life with Ad/hd is still just as hard. Having a label is helpful but it doesn’t go very far.
            So now what, the AD/HD is liveable and when I get my meds again, who knows what I’ll be capable of. But this addiction to food has got to go.

August 2nd

Food battle: Peanut tart- 1 Me -0

Can I just not have desserts around ever? Is it possible to live, physically, with temptation? And is it possible to just get on with doing what I need to do during the day? I’m tired of just letting the hours pass but I don’t know how to stop. Well actually I don’t know how to start. I just sit. Passive I think would be the most correct word. The rest of my day I ate well. My fiber level is full. Can you eat too much fiber? I feel like a rabbit. And did I exercise? Of course I did not. So today though not a total loss was nothing to write home about.
August 3rd

Pizza Hut Pizza, does such a finer thing exist? I don’t believe so. Man that was really hard. I hope what they say about it getting easier ever time is really true because I don’t think I could do that again if it happened tomorrow. I was doing pretty well and then E announces that shes not making dinner. So I’m torn in so many ways. I don’t want to let E know I’m “dieting” again. Its so easy to eat food without finding out, its impossible to diet without letting people know. I kept it from Erika as long as I could. Because I absolutely hate that look in her eye. But the sad part is that I don’t blame her. Shes seen me fail and fail and fail again. And I talk about it way too much. I refuse to say the word “diet” or talk about my food issues in front of her. And its so awkward when she says “Pizza” and I have to say I will make something on my own. Its pretty obvious. She hasn’t eaten that piece of cake in the fridge either. Apparently I’m going to have to deal with that too. Mom wants to go to Fuddruckers and then Matts birthday is Friday. Its like a food addict landmine. I know that it would be permissible to eat that dessert if I ate well the rest of the day but I feel like we are having some battle. I need to know that I can have it there and leave it alone. But I’m only human and I can’t with all honesty say that tomorrow I won’t eat it. Now Fuddruckers is going to be the main problem. But if I can go out to eat with confidence that I can make a good choice, well ladies and gentlemen isn’t that half the battle right there. Matt’s birthday is another issue. Can we say chips and salsa. I think I can pick a healthy dinner but no chips is downright cruel. Because I know I will think about them the whole time. Everyone will be chatting and I will be staring down the chips like they are my salvation.I will think about them until the food comes. So that’s three major battles in the next 3 days. Yowser.

August 4th.

I hate this addiction that is food. I hate it hate it hate it. There are so many amazing things I could fill my mind with but to beat this I seem to have to dwell on it. Lunch was okay. I had a chicken sandwich. I took off most of the bread and only had 4 french fries. But I also had that slice of dessert. I don’t know  if to call today a success or not. Looking at things clinically I know that I was under my calories for the day but damn that pie. I know that I should not chase perfection. That never ever works. I need to try to just do better. I just hate thinking about tomorrow. I need a job and I need to not drink and eat my sorrows away tomorrow. But how can I deal with all this internal pressure without food to comfort me? And how long can I take this constant juggling of food. I’m tired of desperately trying to control what I eat but I’m so tired of crappy food making me fat and unhealthy. I know I have to find a balance where I don’t always say no but I make the right choices for the majority. I have to let myself know that today was not a failure. One battle at a time. This better f-ing get easier or I swear I’ll just settle for eating myself into a coma. The pain of being mobile is horrible. Its either drop the weight in this torture of a mind game or lie in bed and put more dimes in McDonalds coffers.

August 5th
I feel like I am having to keep a tight hold on myself and I worry it won’t last. Well history tells me that it won’t. I was good today but I almost blew it at McDonalds at 2 a.m. Which I guess in the long run I could have lived with. With all the temptations today I made it through. 

The Food Addicts Diary

No one wants to admit that food can be an addiction. We would all like to think that all overweight people are just too weak or dumb to lose the weight. Laziness and ignorance contribute to many people's problems with their weight but for some people, me for example, have an addiction. And its not one of those cute "I'm addicted to chocolate" addictions. This is hard core, life consuming addiction. Every single day is a struggle. People have sympathy for drug and alcohol addiction. Most people have been affected by it in some way. Its terrifying watching that person deteriorate. But what you may not see is the person next to them. They may be eating a normal meal in front of you, they smile, they get on with their lives, they are productive members of society. But as you eat, they are in a personal hell of their own. That one meal is a string of meals that they have obsessed over, they may have planned their whole morning around it, they may feel guilty about it because they know they can't stop at full, they wonder the whole time if it will look bad if they have dessert, and what if no one else wants it. Its embarrassing to eat a whole dessert by yourself but sometimes it seems there is no other choice. And once the meal is over, the shame begins. The promises to eat better later, or tomorrow, or next week, or after that party. Don't be fooled, food addiction is real and it is insidious. There is no sympathy, there is no support and the most absolutely cruel thing about it is, there is no such thing as cold turkey. It would be considered cruel and unthinkable to make a drug addict smoke a pipe 3 times a day and only 3 times a day but tell them they can never have more than that. It would seem impossible to tell an alcoholic that they have to have a glass of wine at every meal but thats all they can ever have. I can't walk away from food. I can't "just say no." It's everywhere and its essential to live. So what then? What happens when you decide to conquer food addiction. Well so far its seems like you take obsession to a new level. A level that never seems to get easier. Its easy to obsess about chocolate cake and thinking about it all day can seem downright normal. But to obsess about not obsessing about chocolate cake and having to obsess about vegetables and portion sizes is absolutely horrible. I've heard that you have to just take it one battle at a time and that eventually the battles get easier. I just hope I'm strong enough to get that far. Because if life wasn't hard enough, I just happen to have AD/HD. So obsessing gets a whole new helper. My mind is a battlefield and its a war with not just food but how I think about it. Basically, I'm a f-ing mess.

As is always the truth, journaling can help one get out all those feelings trapped inside your head. But sometimes its nice to feel like someone is listening. Now I can't ever guarantee that one single person but me will ever read it, but if one person feels less alone, or one person understands someone else's struggle a little bit better then that would be awesome. Thanks for reading.