Monday, August 8, 2011

Difficult stuff ahead

I think everyone has that time in their lives where they know there are difficult times ahead. Of course my difficulties are minute compared to the difficulties in the world around me. I am aware of my blessings, which are incredibly numerous. That being said, my problems are my problems. They keep me up at night. They keep that knot of fear growing in my stomach. Rationally I know I will be fine but Irrational Irene controls the upstairs functions a little too often. I learned that ADDers have a hard time with fears and anxieties. Because we see the world in such a big picture, we know every single (and obsess over) every single outcome. I can see every outcome including ones that end with me in a ditch with no family, no friends, and no money. Do I see that this outcome is almost impossible. Of course I do, I'm not a lunatic. But when your mind goes as fast as mine, that outcome gets replayed over and over and over in HD with subtitles, a roaring soundtrack, and super fast play. I really would enjoy being a little less open-minded. Obliviousness where art thou?

So my time as nanny is almost over. I've finally started being an adult about things and am actively pursuing a job. I know that once I get into the routine of things, I will be fine. The quick thinking solving problem ADD brain will go into effect. I will do well at my job. I will try hard. I just might vomit and worry and obsess myself into the ground before then. I know I have to start. But.. but... I don't wanna :P

But where is my crutch, my shining salvation in carb format? I will have to balance eating like a horse and not letting candy ease the stress and the queasiness of fear. I think I might cry right here and now. I am worried about keeping this going when the going gets tough. The tough may get going, but the ADD food addict watches sitcoms surrounded by McDonald's bags and chocolate cake. Change? No thanks, I'd rather not.

No comments:

Post a Comment