Having AD/HD makes you incredibly introspective. You have to analyze everything down to the nth degree. Several years ago, a roommate (a young man who wanted to save the world) was frustrated with me. He finally got fed up and confronted me on all these things that I did that were bothering him. He was truly flabbergasted when my reply was "I know, and I'm sorry." I went through every single item and talked about where it came from, how I felt about it, and how I was trying very hard to change. Needless to say, he didn't quite know where to go from there. Most people aren't prepared for acknowledgement and apologies. Try saying "I'm sorry" to someone who isn't expecting it. I had to tell this friend that I am many things but not being self-aware is a problem I don't have. I think its part of the reason I have trouble confronting other people. I know all the horrible things they can say about me and which ones are painfully true. And of course there is the fat girl inside who although she knows that they know, absolutely hates to hear someone say something about her size, even if its not mean.
So what does all this introspection mean. It means that I have a fully updated, notarized, carbon copied, in triplicate, list of the I'm nots.
graceful, delicate, tactful, consistent, able to confront others, thin, able to stay on a diet, organized, able to keep my foot out of my mouth, instantly likeable, charming, a multitasker .....etc. etc. etc. etc.
These I'm nots fill too much of my time. And when I see others I think about them thinking about the she's nots. And why do I care so much? I wish I knew.
So for today I'm gonna try to look at the I ams for as long as I can.
I am funny, caring, a kick ass singer, an amazing baker, loyal, empathetic, giving, smart, pretty, talented with makeup, loving, thoughtful, witty, and beautiful.
What are some of your I ams?