Saturday, August 6, 2011

Coulda, shoulda, woulda

Regret is a truly ugly despairing thing. I was dancing with my nieces and I realized how I wish I had stayed in dance classes. First though, let's be clear. Now I only took dance classes for two years and to say I am not athletically inclined is quite the understatement. I was awful. I could never get the steps right and I was the least graceful thing ever on two feet. I felt ridiculous and didn't enjoy it. Somewhere there is a videocassette of me in a dance recital. I am the chunky girl completely out of step and looking confused the entire time. I would never have been a professional dancer. I am built like my father. I think "stocky" is the word most frequently used. The excuse "but I'm big boned" is actually viable for me. A healthy weight for me would be 180 pounds. Seriously. I'm quite the coquette. I think my skeleton is a size 10. No one mourned my dancing career when I stopped. But something happened to me as I got exposed to the arts. I love ballet and I love music. As a classical singer I understand the connection between body and rhythm. When I was young I pretended to be a ballerina. But only in the swimming pool where gravity is less of a bastard. Ok I admit I still do it. I also loved biology and the miraculousness that is the human body. I love the feeling of my body in graceful motion. As a slow song came on this evening and my 7 year old niece began her ballerina poses I started to do my own ballerina dance. Will this dance ever see the light of day? Oh hell no. I am fully aware of how ridiculous I looked. But my God it feels good. Except my obese body just won't do what I want it to do. I'm no ballerina but there is a dancer inside my heart. I just feel the movement and the rhythm. In my early 20's I would stay on the dance floor at the club all night. Even my skinny friends were knocked out by my stamina. It would hurt the next day but its one of the greatest feelings ever. I don't think I'll ever understand people who don't like to dance. It hurts my heart that I can't even do a plie or a simple leap in the air. I'm not asking for much here. I would never have gone pro but I know I could have been a decent dancer. It is such a huge regret in my life. And where does regret lead one? Right to the candy dish.

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