Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Blogging Begins

Here are my previous days journals.

Food Addict       AD/HD

These are my labels. These labels seem to define me. Matt says I love to put people in boxes and I admit that that’s true. And I live my life under these looming labels. The Food Addict label has been my burden since youth. Its always been a two-edged sword. It’s my constant, the thing my life pivots around. I’ve done lots of things in my life, but food has always been on my mind.When things are bad, its numbing shelter has kept me from going crazy. When my mind gets carousel, turning round and round, food always makes it stop. When things are good, food is a beautiful celebration. I am an amazing baker, which is a very cruel thing. The really sad thing about it is that I don’t love baking just for the food. I love creating something. Ingredients, measuring, seeing something coming together from all those parts. I also love being skilled at something that I can share with others. Its satisfying seeing someone enjoy something that I’ve made. Its also hard to hoard bake goods. Giving away cake has never been frowned upon. Even if I finally break this addiction, I can’t give up baking. Its something that gives me too much joy. But the reality is, its killing me. I’m slowly gaining weight and its killing me. Physically and mentally crushing me.
            Now AD/HD was definitely the silent killer. Very termite like. It shaped my whole life, everything I did, but I just thought I was crazy. It caused anxiety, depression which (shockingly!) drives me straight to the carbs. AHH carbs, but don’t get me started on that. Whats the most interesting is that learning I had it lifted a huge burden off of me. Being crazy is one thing. Not understanding how or why is excruciating. Letting go of that much self hatred and shame was amazing. Sadly the honeymoon was short lived. I can’t afford my medicine and life with Ad/hd is still just as hard. Having a label is helpful but it doesn’t go very far.
            So now what, the AD/HD is liveable and when I get my meds again, who knows what I’ll be capable of. But this addiction to food has got to go.

August 2nd

Food battle: Peanut tart- 1 Me -0

Can I just not have desserts around ever? Is it possible to live, physically, with temptation? And is it possible to just get on with doing what I need to do during the day? I’m tired of just letting the hours pass but I don’t know how to stop. Well actually I don’t know how to start. I just sit. Passive I think would be the most correct word. The rest of my day I ate well. My fiber level is full. Can you eat too much fiber? I feel like a rabbit. And did I exercise? Of course I did not. So today though not a total loss was nothing to write home about.
August 3rd

Pizza Hut Pizza, does such a finer thing exist? I don’t believe so. Man that was really hard. I hope what they say about it getting easier ever time is really true because I don’t think I could do that again if it happened tomorrow. I was doing pretty well and then E announces that shes not making dinner. So I’m torn in so many ways. I don’t want to let E know I’m “dieting” again. Its so easy to eat food without finding out, its impossible to diet without letting people know. I kept it from Erika as long as I could. Because I absolutely hate that look in her eye. But the sad part is that I don’t blame her. Shes seen me fail and fail and fail again. And I talk about it way too much. I refuse to say the word “diet” or talk about my food issues in front of her. And its so awkward when she says “Pizza” and I have to say I will make something on my own. Its pretty obvious. She hasn’t eaten that piece of cake in the fridge either. Apparently I’m going to have to deal with that too. Mom wants to go to Fuddruckers and then Matts birthday is Friday. Its like a food addict landmine. I know that it would be permissible to eat that dessert if I ate well the rest of the day but I feel like we are having some battle. I need to know that I can have it there and leave it alone. But I’m only human and I can’t with all honesty say that tomorrow I won’t eat it. Now Fuddruckers is going to be the main problem. But if I can go out to eat with confidence that I can make a good choice, well ladies and gentlemen isn’t that half the battle right there. Matt’s birthday is another issue. Can we say chips and salsa. I think I can pick a healthy dinner but no chips is downright cruel. Because I know I will think about them the whole time. Everyone will be chatting and I will be staring down the chips like they are my salvation.I will think about them until the food comes. So that’s three major battles in the next 3 days. Yowser.

August 4th.

I hate this addiction that is food. I hate it hate it hate it. There are so many amazing things I could fill my mind with but to beat this I seem to have to dwell on it. Lunch was okay. I had a chicken sandwich. I took off most of the bread and only had 4 french fries. But I also had that slice of dessert. I don’t know  if to call today a success or not. Looking at things clinically I know that I was under my calories for the day but damn that pie. I know that I should not chase perfection. That never ever works. I need to try to just do better. I just hate thinking about tomorrow. I need a job and I need to not drink and eat my sorrows away tomorrow. But how can I deal with all this internal pressure without food to comfort me? And how long can I take this constant juggling of food. I’m tired of desperately trying to control what I eat but I’m so tired of crappy food making me fat and unhealthy. I know I have to find a balance where I don’t always say no but I make the right choices for the majority. I have to let myself know that today was not a failure. One battle at a time. This better f-ing get easier or I swear I’ll just settle for eating myself into a coma. The pain of being mobile is horrible. Its either drop the weight in this torture of a mind game or lie in bed and put more dimes in McDonalds coffers.

August 5th
I feel like I am having to keep a tight hold on myself and I worry it won’t last. Well history tells me that it won’t. I was good today but I almost blew it at McDonalds at 2 a.m. Which I guess in the long run I could have lived with. With all the temptations today I made it through. 

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