Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Showtime

I've been waiting for it, knowing it will come. I've been eating super well and today I even surprised myself (more about that later.) I had a skinny cow dessert, which is perfectly fine. But now I want to eat the whole box. This is where addiction kicks into high gear. I'm gonna have to deal with this all night and maybe feel the after effects tomorrow. There is a sense of need, of urgency that is overwhelming. Like my whole salvation is in that box. I know its a distraction. I know enough about addiction to know I'm using it to ignore feelings. I have some job opportunities coming up and I am terrified. I have no confidence in my abilities. I know that some of that comes from the AD/HD. I may be really smart but I've felt like a fraud and have been overwhelmingly unprepared for things. I cruise by but I missed a lot of information because of not paying attention. I have a friend who has dealt with a learning disability. I beat him on every test but I know that he retains information that I never really got a hold of. I try not to regret the fact that I got diagnosed so late. But seeing him excelling because he learned how to cope with it. He worked his butt off. I try every day to not let anyone know how little I  really know. But I also know that I never, ever give myself enough credit. I know how much I could know. My mind is capable of seeing the larger picture that even though I am very educated and know a lot of stuff, I am truly aware of my shortcomings. So I know I will make it through these next weeks but I will always be terrified of looking completely incompetent. Which is kinda funny because I know so many people who are deemed competent who I know are not very smart at all.

So, I still can't believe what I did today with food. So I made a bowl of fibery rainbow goodness and I realized that its not really the flavor that starts turning me off, its the physical labor of chewing all that tree bark. So I made a salad, in the blender. I drank a (I can't quite believe it myself) cabbage, broccoli, carrots, radish, and strawberry smoothie. And although interesting, it was edible and not all that bad. I think I'm gonna have to get a stronger blender. I'm a fiber maniac.

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