Thursday, June 27, 2013


As I sweated and huffed and stopped every 5 seconds (okay minutes) through my exercise video I thought "I'll never be able to do this all the way through." This inner statement rang through me like a warning bell. I never thought much about my doubts during any weight loss attempt. I grudgingly "gave it another go." My last failure just another tick on my weight loss attempts accounting that I always carry. I don't have a grand total but it feels like I have spent all my life wondering how to seriously lose weight. Losing 20 pounds then gaining 30, losing 15 and gaining 40, blah blah blah. But as I've scoured my mind to place what change I would have to make, not just in my diet and exercise, but my mental structuring of the monumental feat. When I was young I never thought about doubt. Now I've even started contemplating weight loss surgery, something I had always said I would never do. I really really don't want to have weight loss surgery. I'm not against it and I am truly happy for everyone that it has been the solution for. Maybe I am meant to do it the natural way, maybe I am deluded and it's time to have my insides surgically altered. I think it's the understanding that it's not my body that really needs the altering that keeps me from it. It is most assuredly my mind that needs altering. But how and in what way? No leeway, lot's of leeway, never touching a white carb, exercising every day, exercising only. I read somewhere that real change must come from a place of peace. (I'm thinking it was Oprah magazine). Peace!! I had never tried that. Change is supposed to be a wrenching battle of will. Is there a way to remain calm AND make the right choices? I don't honestly know but it's worth a try. I think it might be just the thing.

But rewinding all the way back to the beginning, where does doubt fit into this whole picture? Is it as destructive as it felt today. Is not doubting the same as cheerfully believing. Do I have to be a perky diet monster who disavowes doubt altogether? Will not doubting my ability to stay on track really help me stay on track. Can a removal of doubt come from a place of peace or must it be rousted out violently like a bug bomb in a bathroom? I just don't know. I'm gonna try peace instead of war. Calm understanding that brocolli will be better than the anxiety reducing candy bar. If I give myself the peace to not be crushed if I pick the candy bar will that actually help me stay away from the candy bar? cuh nun drum. Well, it did today. I had reese's pieces in my desk. I had two for the taste and let the others rest. I had one bite of pie and peacefully put down the fork. Will it last? I don't honestly know.


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