Saturday, July 13, 2013
It feels like a miracle that I got up and exercised today. But I'll be honest, my heart wasn't in it. Saturday feels like it should be a exercise free zone, it always seems to be a diet free zone too. But let's get real, Saturday is just a day. All the work I do during the week is minimized by the actions of the weekend. Now progress being our goal, it certainly wouldn't set me back to have a weekend free of exercise mindset. But one cannot adopt a whole life way of living by pretending the weekend doesn't count, because it does. If it was simply about weight loss maybe, but it's clear that my mind is the most important part of this equation. Food is not bad, it's the way I use it that gets me in trouble. I must be mindful, even if I'm having fun. Life is full of delicious foods I CAN have. The problem comes in when the food is a wholesale tool to erase, to create a numbing of obsession, of fear, of sadness. Food should be enjoyed, but with my whole self, not just the part that craves solace. And it should be able to be put away without a sense of fear or dread or obsession. Three bites of cheesecake is enough to affect a sensory delight, and enjoyment. Eating a whole slice and not even really tasting the last half is a sign that my brain is engaged by only the part that is full of irrational panic. I have this dream in my mind that if I work hard enough or if I lose all the weight that this will just disappear and food and I will have a healthy relationship. My frown is deepening with the truth that I will always have this. I will always have to work to be mindful, to understand that at any moment irrational synapses can take over. I have to plan, I have to think, I have to negotiate, I have to know that even through it all, it is not a sign that I am any of the bad names I want to call myself. I have not given in, I am strong, I fight to find peace in health. My weight does not define me, nor does this addiction. This post started out as one about apathy. I'm happy to know I'm obviously not ready for apathy yet.