I conquered my two goals for today but I am still fighting a negative mood. I can say that reading other blogs has really helped like I hoped. I woke up before 10 and I've exercised but instead of feeling proud I feel tired and hopeless about the whole thing.
I feel like it stemmed from a bad dream that I had. It's a recurring dream about grad school. I have the dream less and less but it's obvious I have some strong emotional scars from that time in my life. I always dream that it's my last semester and school and I never went to my voice lessons or practiced or got a pianist and it's almost the end of semester. This would never happen in real life, I am way too anxiety and guilt ridden and a perfectionist. But here I am in this dream thinking I will never graduate. It always takes a few seconds for me to wake up and reassure myself that yes, I did in fact graduate.
That horrible feeling just sticks with me sometimes. I am glad that I have plans to go to the library, go shopping, and go to a friends house. I think I need to not be cooped up in my room feeling bad. I'm just so tired of being tired. The feeling of hating how out of shape I am while I was exercising was getting me down. I just feel tired and sad about being fat and single and poor. Perspective, I must change it. My body still works. I don't have diabetes yet. I can walk. I could even run if a zombie was chasing me. I am grateful I have a chance to exercise and it's not too late. Even if I'm single forever I am still a good person. There are so many things and people out there to see and meet. While singlehood isn't what I want for myself there is still plenty of wonderfulness in my life. I am smart and funny and cultured and compassionate. (And I see so many people who would rather be treated like garbage than be alone. I am thankful to be strong enough to stand on my own if I have to.) I am paying my bills and my school loans. There are so many aspects to life that don't involve money and I am grateful for the gifts this life has given me. It's time to embrace this beautiful Saturday.
Thank you to all the wonderful bloggers who are sharing their stories with honesty and openness! I really needed your words today.