One sometimes hopes that if you just keep going deeper within yourself that you will find a place to rest. That maybe for one minute your life will hit pause and you can breathe. I've been going deeper and deeper creating a shell of a person. I don't call people because I feel I have nothing to say. I've come to a halt and I guess I keep hoping the answers will show up on my doorstep. But, alas, the truth is a much uglier thing. Life is meant to be lived on the outside. Distractions aren't enough to create a life with. A husband and a job won't come looking for me if I'm in this world of my own. I guess you could say that depression has gotten too depressing even for me.
So what now? It's become apparent that I don't have anyone that is going to sweep in and force me to help myself. My best friend in the whole world is doing the absolute best she can but I can feel her words bouncing right off me. The wall I've put up has too many layers now. So for now lets just cut to the chase, just the facts ma'am.
I feel like I have nothing. I spent years and years on a career that I've abandoned. I know that it was the right choice. The consequences have been a lot to deal with but the sense of relief alone was enough to know I made the right choice. I could whine and complain and say that I don't want to work, which would not be untrue. But pretending that I'm going to win the lottery is too flagrant even for me. But the question comes to what do I want to do. I've enjoyed teaching voice lessons and I actually can say I believe I'm going to be pretty good at it eventually, but once again the arts don't offer much in the way of stability. I think its time to go into the medical field. I know some of my hesitation is knowing that I put a lot of work into music to feel at ease turning down a completely new road. There is also that fear of accidently killing someone (but being the diligent person that I am I know that that is a rather unreasonable excuse). So now its time to decide what I'm going to spend another 2 years learning *le sigh*
Then there is the ever present elephant in the room. And sadly I'm not speaking metaphorically. I have latched on to food like a back alley boozer. I know in my heart I need to go to an OA meeting. As they say, I must admit that I have become powerless over food. It rules my mind. It's become the answer to all my problems, a constant distraction to cope with the feeling of powerlessness in my wreckage of adulthood. But one is too many and a million is never enough. There is no real satisfaction in it but like a cancer it has spread throughout my body.
There is so much I want and it all seems so very far away but I've found hope in having the strength to write it down. At least for today.