I'm getting really tired of being glad that each year is finally over. I realize how grim that may sound but its also humblingly true. I'm so very ready for 2011 to be finished. I really need 2012 to go well. Last night the first big holiday family dinner was had. I got to hear about my 22 year old cousins new job. The job where she got a new Ipad for Christmas. I just sat there hoping no one would ask me about my life. Then we went over to E's to watch a movie. I saw my cousins new Ipad, my aunt's new christmas gift (a tablet), and my cousin D's google tablet. I am so tired of fighting jealousy. I'll never get how some people learn to not want things. Maybe I'm just a product of a materialistic family with means to indulge. I'm so tired of having nothing to show for myself. I want to rise above my own self-pity. I realize I need to do that. I'm totally aware. But how does one really do that? How do I genuinely enjoy my small meager holiday get while watching American consumerism in action?
I want to start volunteering. I NEED to start volunteering. It's become obvious that I have my place in this family. I'm a have-not in my family. I am total have in the grand scheme of life. I don't like the other end of the spectrum where I have crushing guilt for not feeling grateful for my incredible blessings. If we are talking sheer numbers, then statistically, globally speaking, I am incredibly rich. But it gets so very hard to remember over the holidays. My family is financially successful. They are going to shower themselves in gifts. I'm going to have to accept that. Maybe I could just remember that Christmas is actually about something. Hmmm.. it's definitely an idea