Under my skin

I have never had a drug problem and I thank the Lord for that. So I can't state that what I'm feeling right now is the same feeling drug addicts get while they are in withdrawal. What I can say is that I sympathize with the physical effects of your body asking for something you aren't going to give it. It truly is like an itch, it gets under your skin. The battlefield of my mind is bad enough, I really don't need this feeling in my body too. I want something bad and I want it bad. Something in me wants to go and make the cake in the pantry and just eat it until the bad goes away. Every time I breathe deep and try to release this feeling, I get the chills. I'm nervous and I just want sweet deliciousness. Food addiction is real and right now it's kicking my ass. I want this so bad, I want to make this the final time I ever do this. I want to live my life as a normal sized person. For goodness sakes, I want to actually feel what it's like to be normal sized. This is getting really stressful. I have to go through to get to. One day at a time. Today I want to not give in.

I also had a wonderful moment this week. I was catching up on my Dr. Oz shows on t.v. And lo and behold! He did a whole entire segment on ADHD in women. I nearly cried the whole time. This mental health issue never gets discussed. My diagnosis changed my life and lifted a huge burden of shame and self-loathing I carried my entire life. But very few people really understand or believe adult ADHD is a real mental health issue. To see it discussed by real doctors on national television made me feel like somebody believed and understood me. Maybe someday this will be given the attention it deserves.

It's the simple things

It's really the small things that get you where you need to go. I have been trying very hard to not let my rampant perfectionism throw me completely off course. And at least for now it seems to be working. I am striving to make the small changes and let the little imperfect eating moments just be part of a unified whole. This week I didn't plan one day and resorted to fast food. But instead of just letting it go I got a small burger, small fries and a coke zero. I let myself enjoy it and continued eating healthy throughout the day. And last night I made tacos but I greened them up with zucchini, tomatoes, and brocolli.

 

 

I was very proud of this small step toward lifestyle change.

 

So long story short...... drumroll................. Even after Thanksgiving I have lost 2 more pounds, making a total of 12 pounds. Slow and steady really does work. Who knew?

Tuesday night nosedive

Last night I went off the rails and today I am being crushed by anxiety. Last night I was awash in TOM hormones and post holiday blahs. It was a storm of disaster. Okay maybe not disaster. But I did make cinnamon sugar toast and ate straight up bacon and cheddar cheese. I couldn't handle my brain. And the food only calmed the storm for a few minutes. I've been vigilant today and will be good at family dinner tonight but I am struggling. If I can get through this week and come out safely it will be a triumphant moment for me. I knew I had to blog about it, get it out in the open. I can't hole up in my  mind cave. Decisions have to be made today. I want so desperately to just "wait til tomorrow" but I think we all know where that leads. I have to be present in my fear and my anxiety. I have to know that I can face these feelings and not hide from them. Today today today, I will choose to stand up today. Breathe. One day at a time. I think I am now sane enough to finish my grapefruit. Don't be surprised if you see me back tonight. I will write all night if if keeps me from going insane or to the refrigerator.

Thanksgiving is finally over

So here is the situation. I did pretty well over the Thanksgiving holiday. I let myself enjoy more during the whole week than I had planned. But the really good news is I never stuffed myself the entire week. My best friend was really amazed at my Thanksgiving meal. I even got a few weird looks from family members who obviously had just compared what was on their plate and what was on mine. Although the week wasn't exactly as I planned, I was able to deal with some feelings that came up. I feel like a step forward was made.

But now....... today........ well I feel like a slug.  I do not want to return to the regularly scheduled program. I forced myself to wake up and eat breakfast but it was very difficult. I think I'm going to make a smoothie for a snack to get some of those fruits and veggie back in my system. It's rubber hits the road time and I'm having to fight for it. My goal is to lose another 10 pounds by Christmas. That will be a very reachable goal. That would mean a 20 pound total loss. I would love to lose more but dealing in reality is one of my overall keys to success. No more perfectionism for me. Monday and I  are going to work together this year.

Dessert Landmine

It's taking everything in me not to eat the cherry pie in the refrigerator. Regular anxiety is one thing but feeling let down by someone you care about is even worse. I am trying not to be mad but I can't stop. My mind says to stuff those feelings down with pie. I don't want to keep holding on. I already said no to dessert at dinner. And now I'm mad and I have to go to bed without a full stomach to sand down all the rough edges. I know I have to let the anxiety be. Every time I let myself feel it, the less I will feel it next time. It's just psychology. It's such a horrible cycle. Being unhealthy makes me depressed. Depression just makes me want to eat which only makes me more unhealthy. Making it through Thanksgiving will be a huge achievement for me. I should be proud of today and somewhere in me I know I am. But right now I am mad at her. And lonely. The emptiness where I usually put food is only making me lonelier.

Not falling in the T-day trap

Thanksgiving weight gain is not about Thursday's meal. It never was and never will be. It's the scary days before and after. It's that feeling of holiday. I am working very hard not to do that. Tonight there was meatloaf and rolls and cherry pie and ice cream. This is normally a gut buster. Tonight though I did the work no matter how it depressed me. I had one roll and a small slice of meatloaf. I would say it was about 1/4 of the size I normally have. I also declined pie and ice cream (super sad face). As the cherry pie mocked me I decided to invoke the 3 (very small) bite rule which helped calm the crazy enough that I feel strong enough not to do a late night fridge raid. There is half a pie in there!! and so it shall remain. So I've survived another day of temptation. Tomorrow here I come. C'mon broccoli show me what ya got.

Another week is almost in the books. Well week number 2 that is. It wasn't perfect but I did the 90%. I feel that I've lost a few pounds this week (We'll see tomorrow morning). I am getting to the part where its all getting a little bit old. That first week you have that sense of starting something new, of getting in the zone. This week I had to keep the work up. I have the nagging self doubts but I am working hard to face the problems and the anxiety. I had a few sleepless nights but I got through them. Next week will be difficult as it is, as we all know, the front door to the holidays. My big goal is to eat a healthy breakfast that morning and not let Thursday go into Friday. Hopefully my best friend will be here. She always knows what to say. I don't really want to keep doing this. We all know it's really hard. Well, I agree. This is hard. *whine*

I'm feeling the change a little. That extra energy and the sense that my body is completely on. I have the habit of wanting to nap but I don't actually have the fatigue to have to nap to feel normal. I didn't sleep well last night though. I couldn't sleep so I watched some t.v. It helped keep the thoughts at bay a little but I still really wanted to find a slice of cheesecake and some cheetos. I definitely know what my treat will be this weekend. I have a pretty clear plan that involves cheetos, a slice of cheesecake, and a Dr. Pepper. Now I have to find a way to create the new habit of being able to wait for special occasions. The cravings and the obsessive thoughts will wane. I know they will but I have to keep strong and goodness its hard. During the day I have a meal coming in 3 hours. But now after 7 I can't eat. I might have a small applesauce but that's it. But I made it through last night. And here comes another one. One day at a time. I have to believe that I can and let myself know that it's time to be real and to do the work. Tonight I hid veggies all up in the pasta sauce. I am proud.

Tomorrow we go to my aunt's house and on Thursday we have company. I will have to be very clear with my goals and expectations for the next two days. That means resisting dessert (or entering the treacherous waters of the three bite rule)  two nights in a row, including a dessert I made myself. Strangely enough I have an easier time not eating what I made personally. Baking is an act of sharing, of giving. I get the best satisfaction from seeing others be happy. Maybe I will play the I'm a busy hostess please don't notice I didn't have any dessert routine. It's the questions that are the most awkward part. I think it's pretty obvious why a gal like myself would say no to dessert. Must we make a big show of wondering it aloud?

The panic is subduing a little bit. I am still in a bit of a mood today but it's seems to be on a different track than the usual bad mood = need to eat. I made it through a tough moment during the weekend. I resisted the usual urge to slip. It would have been small but it would have been that first step that I am so used to. I wasn't perfect on Sunday ( I overdid the bacon in the morning) but as many times as I wanted to "let's just wait until Monday, what does this one day matter" (Harumph! I know exactly what that means. You would think I wouldn't have fallen into my own trap like 5 million times.) I didn't listen. I waded throught that sinking feeling reminding me how many days ahead of me that I have to stick to this for it to really be the last time. But at least for this weekend, I enjoyed my free meal and kept going the next day. Today wasn't exactly hard, but all my food was joyless and tasteless. I know that my dependency on food comes from the amount of enjoyment (temporary of course) I get from it. It keeps me going. It gets me through the day. Not having that today made me feel gray. Now I need something else. I need to find something within me that keeps the light on. I don't know what it's gonna be. I have to fill that hole or its emptiness is going to draw me back in as it always does. It's that black hole that scares me. It's and open fresh wound that cries out for it's comfort. One day at a time I guess.  

My mood is suffering. I have no food buffer to numb the pains of reality. I must get back into gratitude mode. I have so much, but here I am just hating life because I can't eat. How stupid is that? I have more food in my pantry than some people will have for months. Ok, that's a truth I need to get with. Me me me, that's the refrain in my head. What about me and my life? It's nowhere near where I want but how much of that is my fault? Yikes, way too much. I promise to open my life up to gratitude today. My blessings are innumerable. The fact that I have to face myself without mind altering food chemicals is something I need to be grateful for too. I have the actual choice to eat or not eat. How many people on this planet don't get that choice?

I found myself this evening not wanting to get into bed. The past several nights I have had trouble sleeping but it wasn't that. I had several shows I could watch on Hulu and I had planned to just watch t.v. until I was tired and stop worrying so much about my sleep cycle. But for some reason I kept avoiding going to bed. I watched a couple less enticing shows on the DVR and wondered why I didn't just go and watch t.v. in my room. Then I realized my habit, my dirty little secret. T.V. in bed goes hand in hand with eating, especially candy and chocolate binges. The numbing beauty of t.v. and sweets, ah the sweet calming joy of it all. But now I would have to come and sit in here without food. I enjoy t.v. on its own but I really want my little secret stash in the nightstand or the late night kitchen run. It just didn't seem as fun anymore. That probably means I should get a hobby or watch less t.v. UH.... let's save that little gem for some other day. Right now I am struggling with the late night addiction pains. Does overeaters anonymous have those little chips like A.A. does? That would be really nice. I have looked for an overeaters anonymous meeting near me but there is only one and it is held during the day when I can't go. It's also at a relatives church which would be tres awkward. I have my limits. I think o.a would be helpful for me. I know it's an addiction. I know ADHD plays a part but it's still an addiction. And right now this addict is on day three in the hardest part of the day. Everyone had brownies and ice cream for dessert. I had three tiny nibbles of the brownie before I threw the rest in the trash. I was proud of that. No bullshit, just the truth of knowing I can't have it around. I tried some frozen grapes. They are interesting but I would have them again. I have to just get over the fact that nothing is going to really replace or taste like ice cream. There is no magic pill. It's just eat right and get moving. Le sigh.

You have to go through to get to

Night is always the hardest, the breaking point. No more calories to consume, a whole evening of me and my neuroses. Last night I nearly lost my mind tossing and turning in bed. The thought that soothed me was "the only way to is through." Dr. Oz said "weight loss is a battle." That man really gets it. I love his show. It has motivated me to start again. I am trying to not do the same trying to be the nutrition goddess of perfection. My first goal right now is to eat. Huh? What? It's amazing how not eating can actually make you fatter. I am the don't eat breakfast, late lunch, midnight pigout kinda gal. This is dieting death. I have to eat. But this requires thought, planning, a near obsession with food. Now obsession is no new friend of mine but the line of obsession from helpful to crazy wild eating a whole pizza in one sitting kind of obsession is very thin and I usually fall. I must face the anxiety if it is ever going to lessen. I have to sit in it and not run away. I have to accept this and my new reality. No more after dinner food. It's the law, it's the rule. Can I start crying yet? So evening 2 here I go. Come on reality, let's dance.

Still feeling down. But eating badly and not exercising certainly won't help me feel better. Not that exercising particulary made me feel good but if I'm gonna feel blah, how about blah AND sweaty.

I feel myself getting stronger during my walks. I should feel good. I just feel like I'm starting like I've started a million times. I don't believe it will continue. I wish I could be all roses and sunshine but that would be a lie. To say I feel motivated would be false.

As I walked today I just chanted "Fight! Fight!" in my head. It got me through. I visualized cheerleaders on the sidewalks. And I did. Today I fought the urge to stop, to rest when I didn't need to. So that was a victory for the day.

Eating right and getting healthier is supposed to make you feel better. I don't feel better. I have that aching place where the food used to go. It is crying out to be pacified. I feel the bad thoughts pushing in. I have no night light to push away the demons. I don't really want to be just myself right now. I'm not hungry. That is rational, the rest of me is not. I want what I want.

I thought the other day about goals people have. I thought about goals for myself. I've finished a great many of them in my life. Then I realized my mind has always had a place for the goal of losing weight. It shocked me to think that I have had a goal for almost 20 years. That seems like a long time to have a goal, especially one that consumes and seems to identify me most of the time. It seems unreal. What would it be like to cross that off my life list? What would it be like to go another 20 years never fulfilling the one thing I have wanted to do most?

On a positive note, the dog and I have been enjoying evening walks. Yesterday I really got sweating. My feet didn't hurt as much and I was able to go farther.

As I was walking I thought "just do more than you think you can and that will be enough."

I made baby steps today. I am trying so hard to not go down the same path of neurotic perfectionism. I know it doesn't work. If I have to try a million different ways then that is what I have to do.

I read somewhere that having AD/HDers schedule their day down to every 30 minutes is a good tool to keep them from the overwhelmingness of days. If you focus on the whole day and what needs to be done it gets too scattered and you end up not doing anything at all. I tried it today and it worked pretty well. I wasn't perfect but I got my laundry started, ate breakfast, filled out a  job application, and took a 30 minute walk. For me that is a pretty awesome day of accomplishment. I'm gonna try it again tomorrow and see how I do.

How do  you push through the pain? the constant no in your head? Brain scientists know that the conscious mind is so very little of why we do what we do. The unconscious mind is who we are. My conscious mind wants to wake up in the morning and take that walk I've been saying I am going to take for weeks now. I can visualize the success, I just can't seem to channel it into action. How can I control what is uncontrollable? I can't fight what I can't see. Someone knock on my unconscious' door and help me out here.

Change. I must find a way to fulfill the possibilities of that one single verb. But I haven't been able to for over 20 years. I am still treading water.

Stillness

I will find the place inside me that is true and still. I will settle myself into this place no matter what I must fight on my journey there. And there on that pinpoint of light I will balance myself. And here in this absolute balance, I will release the past and the burdens on my heart. Here I will see clearly. My mirror will be the voice of my heart, unfettered by the voices of others or the guilt of a life of weighty imperfection. My creator will find me here, and in a language my weak senses can't grasp, will speak to me of peace. My creator will empty me of tears unshed and of measurements of worth. My hands will unclasp and I will surrender all.

What am I really hungry for?

It's late. I'm NOT hungry, physically speaking. But my mind is telling me to eat. No food even sounds good. I keep trying to think of something that might taste good. The neural pathways in my brain are so set for this, even the blatant reality of my physical being can't get it to stop. Normally this sends me into a tizzy of warning bells and gets my mind spinning, wondering "How can I ever get this to stop?!?!" I'm hungry for something. I'm hungry for a life where I feel purposeful. The pit where I throw the food will never be filled. But for the life of me I don't have much to hold onto right now. At least for today I'm calm about it. And finally, today, I don't hate myself for it.

Garlic breath and inner beauty

I just had the most delicious tilapia smothered in garlic. My house stinks and so does my breath but who cares.

After my last post, I was reminded by my wonderful blogger friends about the beauty that really matters. I reread my last post and I realize how it might have sounded. It sounded like some arrogant blowhard with the absolute wrong priorities. Well, as I am not perfect, I do have my arrogant blowhard moments. I don't regret the post because it was honestly how I felt. I remember by grandmother holding my face saying "oh you just don't realize how beautiful you are, if you could just lose that extra weight." Now before you go dissin my grandma, know that my grandma was one of the most amazingly wonderful women ever created. If that sentence was the worst thing she ever did to me then well I count myself blessed. I never doubted her love for me for one second. But this sentence (especially since she was not the first or last to say it) did affect me. I'd like to pretend that I live in a beautiful bubble of self-love never noticing anyone's size or physical appearance. Because of my own struggles I don't judge others or think less of them. I love people for who they are inside. People with ugly insides need not apply. But I do fight the urge to judge myself. Loving yourself inside and out, how does one really do that? My goodness it's a struggle. So today instead of listing what's wrong with my outsides I think I'll list what's right with my insides.

1) I always think the best of people 2) I don't abuse friendships 3) I try to be kind 4) I smile at strangers and open doors (It's amazing how many people get shocked when you smile at them) 5) I give great hugs 6) I am generous with my time

I could go on, but we've had enough arrogant blowhardness for one day. So I want to know.

What's beautiful about your insides? (Try not to be too literal. I don't want to hear about your colon.)

Just a pretty face

Ok, how do I say this without sounding arrogant? I'm beautiful. Yep, that sounds completely big headed. But here's the shitty part. I'm fat, really fat, and apparently that just reminds people how beautiful you could be. I was blessed with a lovely face. Seriously. I have beautiful eyes, lovely teeth, good bone structure, a nice nose, small but shapely lips, and relatively good skin (nothing good makeup can't fix). I shouldn't complain. Really, I shouldn't. I've been blessed.  But being told (and knowing it even if no one said it) that you would be gorgeous IF you were a normal weight is like a punch in the gut. I've never been skinny, EVER. My body is a wreck. I've done irreversible damage to it. My skin won't ever fully recover and .... well we all know what extra weight does to the body. But if I lost the weight, clothes and the godsend of Spanx could cover the damage well enough. But this face will only last another 20 years (30 with the right science). It's like having a million dollars ten feet away but not being able to reach it. I want to shine. I want to stand next to (she shall remain nameless) and be, if not the skinny one, the beautiful one. Now I'm just a could be. I've been a could be since I was a teenager. I know this post sounds like a bunch of stupid crap but my face has been one of the only things I've had to hold on to (not including my awesome sense of humor). It just hurts to hear how beautiful I WOULD be. It just makes me depressed. Sorry for this ridiculous sounding post. Time to get my could be beauty sleep. Goodnight.

It's worth it. Right?

I am not in a good mood. I'm tired of saying no to food. I'd rather just not eat at all than have to keep making these choices. Today I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner with the family tomorrow night. It took all my power to not get some junk. Cravings are supposed to diminish. I mean thats what everybody says. Ok well how long does that take because I would do a great many things right now for a bag of cheetos, a piece of cheesecake, and a liter of Dr. Pepper. How can something so delicious be bad? I'm glad its time to go to bed. If I felt this way in the afternoon I don't think I would have made it. Things are not looking up. Tomorrow is dinner with the family, another chance to face food demons (pie and homeade rolls). I'm glad to be seeing my aunt who is coming into town but I would rather not have to watch everyone eat pie in front of me. I DON'T WANT TO SAY NO! Ok well I better stop this little rant before I start pulling out my hair and using my treasure trove of self-pity and profanity. Goodnight all.

Brussel sprouts and red wine

I never understood being an alcoholic. I guess its because I already had a drug of choice. But now I'm slowly breaking my cycle of addiction (well maybe slowly chipping away at it). NOW that I am a fan of red wine I UNDERSTAND how one could slowly not be able to live without it. I always picture alcoholism as swilling whiskey all day (even thinking it makes my stomach turn.) But slowly finding my way to the end of a red wine bottle, not a problem. My glass of red wine last night was simply fantastic. Now don't start to worry. A healthy serving of red wine is very small so I limited myself to that, but I could have easily wrapped myself up in the whole bottle. Luckily alcohol is easy for me to limit (thank God something is!)

On another note, I branched out and roasted some brussel sprouts today. They were good but I know they could be better. Anyone have any suggestions?

Full length mirrors are of the devil

So I went to the grocery store, filled up my cart with a rainbow of healthy foods. I was feelin pretty fine until I went to choir rehearsal tonight and was faced with a wall of mirrors. Oh the crushing blow of reality. I'm really so much skinnier in my mind. It still shocks me when I see myself. Who is this person? And now that my face is starting to age its getting harder to face the reflection. I always had my face. No matter how fat I was, my face was beautiful. Now my skin is telling the story of a sunblock free youth and I can't afford really good skin care. I've never been a fan of mirrors but now I flat out hate them. This really sucks. I'm looking for reasons to be joyful but I'm having trouble. I would write a longer post but this complaining isn't really helping me feel better. Maybe some Frasier on Netflix will. We'll see.

Valentine's Day

I'm usually so much more bitter. Hmmmm...... I guess I'm in a zen phase, ready to wait for the right one to come along and keep working to love myself more. I wouldn't have minded some chocolates though. Oh well

Food is going well. Eating the veggies and staying away from the sugar. It's working too. Scale finally went down. I've had a few panic, let's eat a slice of cheesecake moments but somehow (ok mostly its not having anything bad in the house) I got through. There is one thing I absolutely hate, hate, hate about dieting. I feel hollow at night. I'm not talking hungry. If I'm hungry I eat and I know the difference. I'm talking that lightness in my stomach when I'm in bed trying to get to sleep. I miss that feeling of fullness. It's been like losing a really good friend. I KNOW its good for me. I know I'm using more than I'm putting in. I know I have to accept it and get used to it but I honestly don't like it. Anyone else miss that feeling?

Diet Alarm Clock

Most people need alarm clocks. There is no shame in having that little device help you wake up every morning. I need diet alarm clocks way more than I'm giving myself access to them. I was watching the Dr's (a daytime t.v. show) and it showed the affects of excess fat on the body. Somewhere in my data banks I had this knowledge. I know how bad my behaviors are going to affect my body. But apparently I needed that wake up call again. It has re-motivated me to focus on not just the scale but the health aspects of food. I feel ready to eat what's good for me tomorrow. So this has reminded me that I need to keep finding alarm clocks to help me stay motivated. I'm going to try to make a real point of looking for things that keep my mind in the right place.

Every day a new day

Yesterday was the pits. My battery in my car died and I spent my last dimes on it. This just sent me into a tailspin of self-pity and loathing. I didn't go crazy (luckily there is no junk food in this house) but I didn't exercise and I totally blew off the last day of my water challenge. So today I have to decide to pull myself together and focus on this one thing. I'm doing my best to work and stay frugal. My number one priority has got to be my health right now. I lost sight of that yesterday, big time! 2012 is going to be a long year but its my healthy year. I've come to the end of the line. The path to prescriptions and hospital stays is getting far too close. I have a job and a place to live. My excuses can't find places to stay in my mind anymore. Walking around the block is free. I have plenty of food. Does my body hurt? Yes, it does. Thats not gonna change until I decide to push through it. I've sat in the starting gate for too many years. It's not like I've had a great time being fat and I can guarantee I'm gonna have a great time slimmer. I've reinvested in myself.

Suited up for Monday

I'm rather glad the weekend is over. I don't know why. I guess I need the reality of Monday. It's time to find a job and its time to get exercising. I'm in the midst of a weekly mission called H20 which I started Wednesday but  I really want to start my weekly missions on good ol' Monday so I'm going to overlap a couple days. Weekly Mission #2 is an exercise mission. The mission (which I have chosen to accept) is to take a 30 minute walk everyday. My mission will be successful if I do 6 out of 7 days. It's crucial I get going on the exercise because my days are incredibly sedentary. It has always been the toughest piece of the weight loss puzzle for me. I think its good to put a specific (but small) goal to it. Something has to get me started. So here I go.

I won't apologize

Yes, I went out last night. Yes, I had a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and two beers. Yes, I had ice cream too. I can't be a perfectionist. I really wish I could. I give much kudos to those out there who diet without ever "cheating." I have to admit it felt good to just enjoy good company and good food. Here's where it gets sticky. Am I back on track today? Yes, so far I am. I refuse to give in to panic mode and just give up. I made a conscious choice last night to enjoy myself. I don't get out much and I feel so much tension released last night. Now most of that was getting to see my friends and be my out loud bad-ass self. But this is where the rubber hits the road. I won't apologize for last night. I did nothing wrong. I plan on eating "bad" food in my future. But the lesson I have to learn is how to pick up and go right back to dieting. I know I can do this. It's time and I'm ready. So you won't see me put my head in the sand and run away. I will look at last nights actions in a solid balanced frame of mind. Progress, not perfection. I am the mother f#%king tortoise.

Chugging (water) along!

So day two of the H20 mission is going well. (Mental note: Buy more toilet paper) I actually drank 6 bottles today. It has gotten a little tiring having to drop trough every what seems like 5 minutes. I am also doing my best to keep upping the veggie count. I absolutely love all the convenient options available at the store. Fresh spinach in a bag, why yes thank you. Today I enjoyed the "Rainbow Salad" mix with some ranch. Just call me the fibernator. I know I'm kind of rambly today but I mostly just wanted to post something. I did also enjoy some chocolate today. Unfortunately they came off my weekly points but I did stop after a serving so I'm proud of that. Well I was hoping to come out with some great pearl of wisdom but thats obviously not going to happen so I'm just gonna call it a night. Good night blogosphere!

Mission H20

I'm really good at opening my mouth. Seriously, I love to talk and I love to eat. I try not to do the last two at the same time but it happens. I can flap my gums like a pro. So you think that I would be able to open my mouth and put water in it quite easily. Well apparently not. Of all the diet strategies around there seems to be one piece of irrefutable dieting advice. Drink Water. So here we go. It's time. From Wednesday to Wednesday I am going to push myself to drink as much water as I can. Now all us good dieters know that its not good to drink all our water at once but to drink constantly through the day. I have a large size water bottle (apparently from Office Depot). I've already had 3 today and I plan to track them on my blog. So here I go. Chug! Chug! Chug!

Consistency conscitcesy cosnsitecy

Doing the same thing at the same time over and over again hmmmmm...... not my strong suit. I never wake up at the same time unless forced to by a job. I never eat at the same time etc. etc. I've noticed before but not put too much thought into it (I'm shocked too. Now where the tupperware should go, that I've pondered). Counting points bring this into sharp focus. Somedays I parcel out my points well with 6 small meals, very correct like. Now days like today, I count my points, but don't work to eat consistently. So here I am at the end of the day with lots of points to eat. Part of me is like Yippee!!! The smart part knows that it's better than the alternative but probably not the best way of going about things. Now I'm not going to complain about getting to have a field day in the pantry but since I'm in the healthy mindset its a little less fun. I also know that its better than the went crazy and blew it all option.

I am incredibly proud of last night. I did go out and eat what I want. I planned well and was able to use my points and not go over. What I'm proud of is that I actually came home and made sure to input all my points into my calculator. I even have 15 weekly points left, which I don't plan on using. This tracking on days where I know I'm going over is a new step in the right direction for me. I usually just don't track the rest of the day. But I decided to be accountable. NSV if I do say so myself. Well now I'm going to make a big glass of water and go finish my points (oh the horror!)

Paving a road in my mind

I'm sitting here trying to sort out all the points I want to make, all the things I want to sort out in my mind. I'm tired of being so serious in my head. I want to live out loud a little. I guess thats part of the reason I write a blog. To share.

We come to a point where we must turn around and face the things that make us who we are and do what we do. Now I'm not talking about judgement, just really looking into the darkness I like to throw carbs at. And the carbs work to an extent. For a moment, things make sense. There is goodness and pleasure and a reason to be here. These moments have there place. A good meal is truly one of life's pleasures. But for some of us, this joyous thing starts to turn. It's like coping mechanisms that help us get through painful childhoods. They are merciful and they help us stay sane. But then we get to adulthood and the mechanisms turn into barriers and walls and cages of their own. So now I sit here on the fourth day on Weight Watchers. I have budgeted my points well. I have not gone hungry. But I want to eat. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and restless in my mind. So for today I decide to turn around and not run from it. This is a good step and  it will make me stronger. But it's difficult sitting in a stew of my own thoughts and worries and hopes and questions. It's time to go even further than that. Not just reactive but proactive.

I stand up and I say "why?" Why am I here defying my rational mind. It knows that the desire to eat is a falsehood, a trap. My body is not hungry. Somewhere deep in my cells my body is actually happy for me. I've put the right amount of food in my body and I gave it nutrients. This is good. But my brain has been wired for too long. No matter how much I wish them away, the connections will never truly be gone. I have to make new ones and make them stronger. Food addiction is a solid dirt road in my mind. I must start to pave a new path. Choices get made whether I acknowledge them or not. Pushing the reality down with cheesecake doesn't erase the fact that I chose it. I have to keep pushing for answers. I have to keep pushing to take the time to make new paths in my brain. Food will always be the easier choice. Feelings and pain and life is much harder. I want to eat because I'm scared. I must stand in my truth and look into the face of my fear. Today I will stand up for myself, to myself. I am greater than the connections in my brain. I am greater than the failure I let myself tell myself I am. I will be strong amongst my fears and I will lie down next to them and show them that tonight I will sleep without a cheesecake safety blanket.

Time Warp

If you asked me if 30 minutes was a long time I would probably tell you of course it isn't. I'll never understand how something you don't want to do makes 30 minutes feel like an hour. So checking off my tortoise check list for the day I decided to take a walk. 30 minutes, no pressure. Well I'm fat ladies and gentlemen. And I felt every pound in the last ten minutes. I haven't felt this old and decrepit since..... well since I last tried to exercise. I'm glad I did and I know I need to continue to do it but 30 minutes a day sounded so easy. And I guess it wasn't that horribly hard. My nifty new Ipod also counts my steps and time for me. I probably looked really silly walking slow and then fast then slow to test if it really worked. It does. So by the tortoise scale I'm doin pretty good.

Is this a hint?

So awesome things don't happen to me very often. I'm not just being pessimistic (ok maybe a little). Ordinary things happen and expected things but left field stays pretty empty most of the time. Now my close friends and loved ones know what my prized earthly possession is. (Excepting of course family photos etc.) It's my IPod. Music keeps me going, its a vital and necessary part of my life. So when the Ipod nano came out so many years ago I scraped my shekels together to but the cheapest 2G one. It was my friend and dearest companion until I was blessed by my wonderful family and got an IPod touch for graduation. Now I adore my Ipod touch but its really not the best workout friend. It's a little clunky for those purposes and its not as tiny and portable. So my old nano trucked along until its poor little battery couldn't hold a charge for more than 20 minutes but I couldn't part with my old friend. It's awesome I did. Apple recalled the first generation nano in November because some batteries leaked. So after several months of waiting, I received a brand new 6th generation 8GB Ipod in the mail today. Completely FREE of charge. AWESOME.

Now..... ummmmmm can someone find me another excuse please? It's teeny, portable, and has FM radio. It also has a built in clip and Nike Fitness. Damn! Ok, its still awesome. I think someone is trying to tell me something.

Tortoise or the Hare?

Before knowing the moral of the story, I want so desperately to be the hare. And when I begin, I'm always the hare. I will lose all this weight! I will work out an hour every morning and and an hour every afternoon. I will never touch a white carb and I will digest every vegetable known to our omnivorous species! I will lose 2 pounds every week if not more! It's like I never heard the ending. Oh that tortoise! With its dogged determination and stick to it-ness. The hare has burned out! He cannot finish what he has started. 

So I finished day one back on the weight watchers wagon. I even did 30 minutes of exercise and drank water. Ooh I can't wait to be thin and athletic!! Oops..... what was I talking about?

Now in this classic fable we learn of the tortoise's slow and steady pace. I think we can all agree the tortoise is lame. Dude, call a taxi! But alas, I must take on the attributes of the fabled tortoise. It's time to reject the hare's siren song of fast results in minimum time. I am the tortoise (slow breathe in) I am the tortoise (slow breathe out). So what does this mean?

Attributes of the tortoise:

1) Slow and steady

2) Not competitive

3) Goal oriented (not speed oriented)

4) Awesome ninja skills (Wait ...... that's the mutant turtles...my bad)

5) Never gives up despite slow progress

6) Eventually surpasses dumbass hare

So what does this mean for my weight loss race? It means that I have to set some goals that have nothing to do with miracles, unrealistic goals, or ninja skills. So here is where I'm starting. 

1) Stay in my points realizing that sometimes white carbs, well carbs in general, will be involved. The most important thing is sticking with the plan and getting some veggies, fruit, and water in.

2) 30 minutes a day of physical movement. This is proven to be effective. I am not Rambo. 30 minutes, thats all.

3) I will compare myself to NO ONE!

But, thats not enough. WHERE IS MY PERFECTION!?!? I am the tortoise (slow breath in) I am the tortoise (slow breath out). 

Who would you be?

Who would you be if you were completely alone with no one to compare yourself to? I know what I am and I know what I'm not in many ways because I know what the people around me are or aren't.

I know I'm not successful because I know so many successful people
I know I'm not thin because I know so many thin people
I know I'm not cool because I have so many cool people around me

I know I'm kind because I've seen so many people be cruel
I know I'm funny because I make so many people laugh
I know I'm open because I've met so many people who are closed off

So the question remains, would I feel like a loser if more people I knew were losers or if I simply changed what I believe constitutes being a loser? Would I see a beautiful woman in the mirror if there was no one else to stand next to? Would I feel content exactly where I am in life if my life was completely my own?

This thought consumed my mind last night. It really is something to think about. I gauge so much about myself, and most people I think do to, by the person standing to my right and the person standing to my left. This made me quite hopeful today. I'm going to close my eyes and make my own conclusions about who and what I am.

I am also stocked and ready to start focusing on my eating again. I know I've gained some weight but, at least for today, I'm going to start fresh. I want to release the burden on my shoulders like a parachutist unclasps his shoot. My mom also purchased a small floor cycle. I think I'm going to try it out. So much of not exercising is the pain of being this size. This is definitely a no excuses piece of equipment, easy to use, low impact, quiet, and I can watch t.v. while I do it. I'll let you know how it goes.

New Year, new me????

It's that time of year again. Does anyone ever keep their resolutions? I'm sure someone out there has, but I think we can all agree that most resolutions go out as quickly as the cold weather here in Texas. But I can't deny that the new year gets me thinking about all that could happen in one year. It is especially like that this year since I don't have much mapped out. I know what I want to happen. I know what I'm dreaming will come true. But as a  loved one so eloquently put "it's time to get off the pot." You know who you are. But it's true. The world doesn't come to you. A person must go out and meet their destiny. That means I have to acquire some verbs, ACTION verbs. But why can't happiness fall into my lap? I bite my thumb at thee cruel reality. So what first? Let's start with tomorrow. I'll let you know how it went.