Monday, November 12, 2012
The panic is subduing a little bit. I am still in a bit of a mood today but it's seems to be on a different track than the usual bad mood = need to eat. I made it through a tough moment during the weekend. I resisted the usual urge to slip. It would have been small but it would have been that first step that I am so used to. I wasn't perfect on Sunday ( I overdid the bacon in the morning) but as many times as I wanted to "let's just wait until Monday, what does this one day matter" (Harumph! I know exactly what that means. You would think I wouldn't have fallen into my own trap like 5 million times.) I didn't listen. I waded throught that sinking feeling reminding me how many days ahead of me that I have to stick to this for it to really be the last time. But at least for this weekend, I enjoyed my free meal and kept going the next day. Today wasn't exactly hard, but all my food was joyless and tasteless. I know that my dependency on food comes from the amount of enjoyment (temporary of course) I get from it. It keeps me going. It gets me through the day. Not having that today made me feel gray. Now I need something else. I need to find something within me that keeps the light on. I don't know what it's gonna be. I have to fill that hole or its emptiness is going to draw me back in as it always does. It's that black hole that scares me. It's and open fresh wound that cries out for it's comfort. One day at a time I guess.