Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dessert Landmine

It's taking everything in me not to eat the cherry pie in the refrigerator. Regular anxiety is one thing but feeling let down by someone you care about is even worse. I am trying not to be mad but I can't stop. My mind says to stuff those feelings down with pie. I don't want to keep holding on. I already said no to dessert at dinner. And now I'm mad and I have to go to bed without a full stomach to sand down all the rough edges. I know I have to let the anxiety be. Every time I let myself feel it, the less I will feel it next time. It's just psychology. It's such a horrible cycle. Being unhealthy makes me depressed. Depression just makes me want to eat which only makes me more unhealthy. Making it through Thanksgiving will be a huge achievement for me. I should be proud of today and somewhere in me I know I am. But right now I am mad at her. And lonely. The emptiness where I usually put food is only making me lonelier.

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