Thursday, January 12, 2012

Paving a road in my mind

I'm sitting here trying to sort out all the points I want to make, all the things I want to sort out in my mind. I'm tired of being so serious in my head. I want to live out loud a little. I guess thats part of the reason I write a blog. To share.

We come to a point where we must turn around and face the things that make us who we are and do what we do. Now I'm not talking about judgement, just really looking into the darkness I like to throw carbs at. And the carbs work to an extent. For a moment, things make sense. There is goodness and pleasure and a reason to be here. These moments have there place. A good meal is truly one of life's pleasures. But for some of us, this joyous thing starts to turn. It's like coping mechanisms that help us get through painful childhoods. They are merciful and they help us stay sane. But then we get to adulthood and the mechanisms turn into barriers and walls and cages of their own. So now I sit here on the fourth day on Weight Watchers. I have budgeted my points well. I have not gone hungry. But I want to eat. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and restless in my mind. So for today I decide to turn around and not run from it. This is a good step and  it will make me stronger. But it's difficult sitting in a stew of my own thoughts and worries and hopes and questions. It's time to go even further than that. Not just reactive but proactive.

I stand up and I say "why?" Why am I here defying my rational mind. It knows that the desire to eat is a falsehood, a trap. My body is not hungry. Somewhere deep in my cells my body is actually happy for me. I've put the right amount of food in my body and I gave it nutrients. This is good. But my brain has been wired for too long. No matter how much I wish them away, the connections will never truly be gone. I have to make new ones and make them stronger. Food addiction is a solid dirt road in my mind. I must start to pave a new path. Choices get made whether I acknowledge them or not. Pushing the reality down with cheesecake doesn't erase the fact that I chose it. I have to keep pushing for answers. I have to keep pushing to take the time to make new paths in my brain. Food will always be the easier choice. Feelings and pain and life is much harder. I want to eat because I'm scared. I must stand in my truth and look into the face of my fear. Today I will stand up for myself, to myself. I am greater than the connections in my brain. I am greater than the failure I let myself tell myself I am. I will be strong amongst my fears and I will lie down next to them and show them that tonight I will sleep without a cheesecake safety blanket.

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