F bombs for Friday

Anyone else drop a little profanity to get through their workout?

I have been feeling that my body doesn't feel worked after my workouts. While I know I am getting really great cardio I know that I need to fatigue the muscles to work them properly. Well today I really focused on really engaging my full body at every move. I pushed myself and today I sure felt it. I think I went to my max intensity. Now minute for minute I had to stop a lot more to rest but I know I will keep getting better little by little day by day.

This week was really long with the beginning of school. I've been mentally wiped out and then opera started last night. Opera is a great joy to me and always energizes me but getting home at 11 and waking up at 6 was hard after this long week. Thankfully we have a nice three day weekend. Tomorrow I have opera and am gonna hang out with the fam. I will not stress out too much about eating tomorrow night. My goal is to eat a nice big healthy breakfast and be sure to eat a veggie lunch and my two snacks. I normally don't drink too much but I plan to relax and let myself be for a night. Eating healthy Sunday and Monday is going to be hard but I plan to stay strong and get my exercise in every day. Tomorrow is weigh in and I am doing my best to not expect too much. This is a slow process and its the wonderful TOM. Booooo

All in all, the week was a success and I feel quite good tonight.

Feeling discouraged.

Work has been melting my brain and I am very tired. I did my exercises but my limitations were just discouraging today. I am not craving food so that's something I guess. One day at a time.

Stress eating, how do you deal?

Today was a long day. A friend from college is in a devastating situation where either outcomes is terribly saddening. His life and career might be over and it's breaking my heart. The truth is just sad, whatever it may turn out to be.

My eating was not good today. Yesterday was long and draining and mentally exhausting. Today I was still swamped in the work that is piling up. The stress led me to make some bad choices. (On a good side note, I was very proud that my eating while not healthy was not disordered eating. I didn't finish my lunch and I threw away my soda after thinking that I didn't really need a re-fill. ) So the stress triggered me going with unhealthy options but I didn't let the meal take over my thinking. It was strangely disappointing and affirming at the same time.

Now, I know I don't have many readers but I would like to know if any of you have ways you deal with stress eating. What helps you choose to go through the work of eating healthy?

I am glad I rested yesterday as I could feel my body needed it even though my mind worries that if I stop one day I won't restart the next. There will be days that I need to rest and days that exercise doesn't fit into my schedule. I hope to continue reaffirming that one day off is just one day off. When I exercised today I could feel that the rest was appropriate and I was getting fatigued at the end of last week. I have to admit it felt like I hadn't exercised in a week but I am really really happy and excited that I got to it today without the usual excuses.

Calm Sunday before the storm

I am trying to rest up today for the coming week. All the students come back tomorrow and the week is going to be stressful and hectic. I got all my laundry and shopping done. I didn't exercise the full time because my body was telling me that it needed some rest and I listened. I have to start working my exercising around opera so I needed to get in some today since Thursday I won't be able to. I'm not gonna have a lot of free time soon. My main goal for this week is to pack my lunch every night before dinner so I can have the whole day planned and I plan to eat a big healthy breakfast. I am ready to try foregoing yogurt with fruit and will add some low sugar granola and fresh strawberries. Cutting sugar out is very tricky. I've been paying a lot of attention to nutrition labels and I'll tell you, they hide sugar everywhere. I am very excited about my afternoon of nothing. I also got some potstickers from the store for dinner tonight. I'm gonna have a salad first but I wanted to give myself something as a treat that wasn't pure sugar. Fall 2013 here we come!

6 days in a row!!

I exercised 6 days in a row. For you, this may be old news. For me, this is hope for a future I'm finally starting to believe I might have.

A good week

I am pretty happy about this week. My food wasn't exactly where I want it to be but it was still enough to be proud of. I ate breakfast every morning, drank water all day, and resisted several sweets opportunities. I am ready for the month to be through so I can get through the first week of school which will be a nightmare. Opera starts on Thursday!! Yay! And I will be really proud to see my calendar full of X's. If I exercise tomorrow, that will be 6 full days in a row. Opera is going make exercising a little harder but I will just have to be commited to exercising on the days I am not in opera. That will still make 4-6 days a week (until tech week). When tech week comes I want to really try to set a goal to exercise in the mornings even if it is just the 20 minute workout video.

I am still struggling with some "It's all gonna crash and burn!!!" anxiety but I think the exercise really is helping to regulate my mood. Just 8 days left in August and then we start fresh in September and that is as far as I plan right now.

Analyzing cheescake.

I was at a book club this evening and there was a tasty sopapilla cheescake. I ate two bites even though I wanted to turn it down. Even before I ate those two bites I really started thinking about how irrational my desire for that cheesecake is. Now I don't have any answers as how to make my mind stop doing that but I do realize that my mind has a subconscious attachment to it that my rational brain can't understand. As I sat looking at the cheesecake I wondered "why does it seem so important that I do or don't have a bite of that cheesecake?" The rational part of my brain that has been working it's butt of these last weeks wants me to unilaterally never have a bite of sweets ever again. And you know what, I could go my whole life without eating another bite of dessert and I would be fine!!!!!!! This seems imcomprehensible to part of my brain. How does one live without desserts?!? It's not feasible or possible. So I ate two bites of cheesecake mindfully. I explored the flavor and why this bite seems so important. It was delicious but not life altering. I have analyzed it the best I can and honestly I don't have any answers. All I know is I didn't eat two pieces like I would have in the past. And that is what I plan to be proud of. Sorry rational mind, one day at a time.

Am I really ready?

Am I really ready? This is the question that plagues me, that worries me. Is there a secret ingredient for the effort that works, for the time one can say "I finally did it"? Or is it getting up and each time learning from the last time you fell down? Because I have fallen down a hundred times or more. Some of those times were half-hearted but some of those times were whole hearted attempts.What will set this attempt apart from the others? Is it simply the fact that I'm not quitting? Or is it because I am grounded so firmly in reality that I'm not letting any lies get through? I feel slightly agitated and anxious today. I have to accept it and work toward setting it free instead of stewing in it. This is a long journey that I have to take day by day. I have to free myself from the worry about next month and next year. Today is today. This is August. There are 10 days left in this month. This is the only place I will allow myself to be. I must rest in today, in my good choices. I turned down sugary foods and ate 3 meals and 2 snacks and drank water. I've done my part. There is no room for anxiety today. It does me no good and I have done so much good today. I won't let it take me away from that.

The big black X

I think I may have a record here. I can't remember what my best sticking to exercising record is but I feel like I may have broken it. I'm not sure because I'v never really kept track. This time I have big black X's on my calendar. It's been rather motivating. Some mornings I even put the x on before I exercise. The big X makes me make sure I'm not a liar.

I've been doing better with lowering my sugar but it's hard to say no to all the little sweets that float by all the time. I also need to start preplanning a little better now that work is picking up. I don't have time to leisurely make a lunch or snack at work. It's gotta be ready to go.

Blessed endurance and recovery time

Exercising today was not easy. The word no and I don't wanna was practically screaming through my head. But from somewhere I remembered how good it feels after. I wasn't expecting anything but the same drudgery but then my blessed body showed up to the party and reminded me that I am in fact doing good. It still takes about the same time to run out of breath but I've added a few seconds to my endurance. The most uplifting thing was not how long it took me to have to sit down but how much more quickly I can get up. I still have to sit down a lot but I get back up so much faster. Also I don't feel like I'm about to get dizzy anymore. I felt clear headed the whole time (even if I was breathing like an exhausted moose). After the scale being cruel, I really needed that improvement.

Work is going to be a bit of a challenge with school starting. While I will be getting off my butt a lot more, I am going to find it difficult to get my lunch and my snacks in properly. I will also need to eat breakfast at home instead of at my desk in the morning. Unfortunately, one thing that isn't getting any easier is getting up in the morning. Ugh! Is it Thanksgiving yet? I need a vacation. I just realized I've worked 6 months with only 4 days off. Now as I get weekends off and work a strict 8-5 I know I really have nothing to complain about. I just never realized how short weekends really are. Monday comes way too quickly. And so does bed time. Time to get some zzzzs.

Giving up sugar...?

Sugar is the devil. I am pretty sure of this. There is absolutely no value in refined sugar. It's just plain horrible for you. I've really been thinking of going sugar and sweetener free but honestly the thought is daunting. It's everywhere and frankly I'm addicted to it. I love sweets and pastries. It's my jam. Knowing that I can have a snickers every now and again seems to make things bearable. But the truth is I have to keep moving forward. I'm all for baby steps and adding changes in slowly but I know that the key is sugar. It's control on metabolism and overall health can't be understated. But the difficulty of eliminating it from one's diet can't be understated either. But it's time isn't it. It's become clear that it's make it or break it time. I feel a finality coming in my life, for good or bad. I feel stone cold sober. I have to make a choice. I have to choose my health or sugar. One of them is going to go.

Negativity, time to turn it around.

I conquered my two goals for today but I am still fighting a negative mood. I can say that reading other blogs has really helped like I hoped. I woke up before 10 and I've exercised but instead of feeling proud I feel tired and hopeless about the whole thing.

I feel like it stemmed from a bad dream that I had. It's a recurring dream about grad school. I have the dream less and less but it's obvious I have some strong emotional scars from that time in my life. I always dream that it's my last semester and school and I never went to my voice lessons or practiced or got a pianist and it's almost the end of semester. This would never happen in real life, I am way too anxiety and guilt ridden and a perfectionist. But here I am in this dream thinking I will never graduate. It always takes a few seconds for me to wake up and reassure myself that yes, I did in fact graduate.

That horrible feeling just sticks with me sometimes. I am glad that I have plans to go to the library, go shopping, and go to a friends house. I think I need to not be cooped up in my room feeling bad. I'm just so tired of being tired. The feeling of hating how out of shape I am while I was exercising was getting me down. I just feel tired and sad about being fat and single and poor. Perspective, I must change it. My body still works. I don't have diabetes yet. I can walk. I could even run if a zombie was chasing me. I am grateful I have a chance to exercise and it's not too late. Even if I'm single forever I am still a good person. There are so many things and people out there to see and meet. While singlehood isn't what I want for myself there is still plenty of wonderfulness in my life. I am smart and funny and cultured and compassionate. (And I see so many people who would rather be treated like garbage than be alone. I am thankful to be strong enough to stand on my own if I have to.) I am paying my bills and my school loans. There are so many aspects to life that don't involve money and I am grateful for the gifts this life has given me. It's time to embrace this beautiful Saturday.

Thank you to all the wonderful bloggers who are sharing their stories with honesty and openness! I really needed your words today.

Not being perfect or making excuses?

What's the difference between mitigating trying too hard to be perfect and making excuses? I could have done a lot better today in my eating. I drank water and had breakfast. I ate fruits and vegetables... and cake and a cherry kolache. I exercised really hard and got my heart rate up for 30 minutes but I didn't finish the whole video. Now the exercise I'm okay with. I am working up to my highest capacity and am exercising wholeheartedly for 30 minutes. The whole 45 will come with time. Now the eating. I'm still maneuvering the you can't deprive yourself all the time mantra with you can't treat yourself all the time reality. I think my new goal really needs to be to limit my splurges. I must start really learning the dieting truth that all you really need is a few bites. The idea of mindful eating was a new revelation. Now I have to take it in to practice. If I have candy or cake or whatnot, I don't need the whole thing and I MUST think about and be present while I'm eating the thing. Mindless is addiction, mindful is listening to my inner truth. I'm feeling hopeful.

Fueling up for the long journey

Some dieters (okay me (maybe you too)) hope that if they can find the biggest tank and make it bigger and fill it all to the top that hopefully that will last the whole journey. If the tank is big enough you will always have enough motivation and energy to pull from. This is a dream. Reality is that the tank is very small, a thimble sometimes. All that dreaming and hoping and scheming and convincing is really just overflow. You can't hold on to it. The tank has to be filled everyday. Some mornings it might be on empty. If you are truly lucky, you might have a little from the day before. But yes, you have to fill it EVERY DAY. This makes me groan. Ugh! Every day? Yes, but you have to realize that all you have to do is fill it a little and if you didn't fill it yesterday, that's no excuse not to fill it today.

As I was exercising.. Okay well as I was sitting down resting I thought about how long it will take to get to the point that I can do the whole video all the way through without stopping. This thought was utterly disappointing. I realized that it won't be tomorrow, or next week, or maybe even this year *wildly bursts in to tears*. But I remembered that today, I was doing great! I was sweating and doing better than I had yesterday. I also realized that a small part of me didn't believe that that day would ever come. Thankfully I reminded myself about perspective. The facts are, if I exercise 5-6 days a week and eat well, there really isn't a way I won't be able to. I have to be happy with my little steps and my little tank. The only day ahead of me is tomorrow.

The beautiful amazing heart

The heart really is an amazing muscle. It's programmed to keep going and it never gets rest. Rest is how you get stronger and you heal. Not the heart. How do we keep the heart healthy? We have to make it work harder. It's really rather counterintuitive but extraordinary at the same time. As I exercise and I feel my heart beating so fast it feels like it simply can't be good for it. (be advised that I never overdo and I stop frequently). While I hate the feeling, I love it at the same time. It's a message from my heart to me and me to my heart. It is strong but it needs my help and my love. It works tirelessly while I treat it so badly and there it is beating for me. It says good for you and thank you for the exercise. I feel the blood it pumps and my whole body knows that it's being taken care of. I hate exercising. But these few minutes after I'm done and I feel my heart disappear into it's quiet routine I feel grateful and I thank it for another wonderful day.

It's Monday and I feel motivated?!

This weekend was pretty unproductive and not so great on the health front, I won't lie. But today, on Monday!, I was ready to get the week rolling. I just finished exercising and finally! after last week I feel better after my workout instead of worse. Things are looking up!

The wages of unhealthiness

Exercising this week has been a real struggle. My body is having problems and it's my fault I've treated it so badly all these years. I've been eating healthy nutritious food and drinking water but these past few days I just have not felt very good. I've been tired and exercising is making me feel a little sick. I have been really working hard during my workouts and stopping when I need to but I just feel lousy. I am proud that I have been pushing through and making good choices. I know that I'm getting to the age of real health problems because of my obesity. I've been blessed that my body is holding up and my blood work and sugar levels are still in slighty high but normal ranges. This won't last forever. Either I stick with this or I get ready for prescriptions and doctor visits. I really don't want that. I feel the pressure to take this super seriously more than I ever have. This week has me worried that I am very close to a turning point. I hope it's the turning point I want and not the problems I've avoided for so long. Feeling motivated by my drearyness. One step closer by exercising today.

Sometimes it's iust about the shoes.

I sweat, then I waited. I sweat, then I waited a little more. Today the inspirational mantra did not appear! And then I glanced in my closet. There they were. The pretty black heels I never wear because it hurts too much to wear high heels. When I didn't want to get back up and keep exercising, there were shoes. Pretty patent leather heels I've had for years. Sometimes all it takes is a pretty pair of shoes.

Waiting for the "aha" moment

Miss me? ...  *crickets*....*tumbleweeds*

It's okay, I get it.

But don't worry dear readers, I didn't disappear again. I got terribly sick (in July! ick) and then it was my birthday trip. So here it is Monday night. Last night I went to bed after thinking, dreaming, analyzing and still ending up in the same maelstrom of confusion. I have come to understand that the morning won't bring understanding. When I sadly considered postponing til Tuesday (I mean isn't Monday bad enough) I realized it's not gonna be any better on Tuesday. I think I keep hoping that if I analyze, and ponder, and strategize, and dream, and plan that the next morning I will wake up with "IT". Call it the "aha" or the shining moment where I  never look back and all my weight loss dreams come true. I think this happens for some people. As I grow and continue to understand myself it's become clear that for me personally, things come slowly or not at all. Now let me be clear, when I do finally learn it, I learn it better and more potently than anyone. I've learned to take pride in that although I move slow, I always move forward. I know people who make leaps and bounds at things but in some things they are stuck, sometimes forever. I am a slow but beautiful bloomer. So this is what I must face. I'm not going to want to do this anymore tomorrow than I did this morning. Today is it. Too bad if it feels like the hardest thing ever pretty much every day. My progress will not show itself in a miraculous prophetic moment. My progress will come when one morning I realize I don't hate it so very much anymore.