Every day a new day

Yesterday was the pits. My battery in my car died and I spent my last dimes on it. This just sent me into a tailspin of self-pity and loathing. I didn't go crazy (luckily there is no junk food in this house) but I didn't exercise and I totally blew off the last day of my water challenge. So today I have to decide to pull myself together and focus on this one thing. I'm doing my best to work and stay frugal. My number one priority has got to be my health right now. I lost sight of that yesterday, big time! 2012 is going to be a long year but its my healthy year. I've come to the end of the line. The path to prescriptions and hospital stays is getting far too close. I have a job and a place to live. My excuses can't find places to stay in my mind anymore. Walking around the block is free. I have plenty of food. Does my body hurt? Yes, it does. Thats not gonna change until I decide to push through it. I've sat in the starting gate for too many years. It's not like I've had a great time being fat and I can guarantee I'm gonna have a great time slimmer. I've reinvested in myself.

Suited up for Monday

I'm rather glad the weekend is over. I don't know why. I guess I need the reality of Monday. It's time to find a job and its time to get exercising. I'm in the midst of a weekly mission called H20 which I started Wednesday but  I really want to start my weekly missions on good ol' Monday so I'm going to overlap a couple days. Weekly Mission #2 is an exercise mission. The mission (which I have chosen to accept) is to take a 30 minute walk everyday. My mission will be successful if I do 6 out of 7 days. It's crucial I get going on the exercise because my days are incredibly sedentary. It has always been the toughest piece of the weight loss puzzle for me. I think its good to put a specific (but small) goal to it. Something has to get me started. So here I go.

I won't apologize

Yes, I went out last night. Yes, I had a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and two beers. Yes, I had ice cream too. I can't be a perfectionist. I really wish I could. I give much kudos to those out there who diet without ever "cheating." I have to admit it felt good to just enjoy good company and good food. Here's where it gets sticky. Am I back on track today? Yes, so far I am. I refuse to give in to panic mode and just give up. I made a conscious choice last night to enjoy myself. I don't get out much and I feel so much tension released last night. Now most of that was getting to see my friends and be my out loud bad-ass self. But this is where the rubber hits the road. I won't apologize for last night. I did nothing wrong. I plan on eating "bad" food in my future. But the lesson I have to learn is how to pick up and go right back to dieting. I know I can do this. It's time and I'm ready. So you won't see me put my head in the sand and run away. I will look at last nights actions in a solid balanced frame of mind. Progress, not perfection. I am the mother f#%king tortoise.

Chugging (water) along!

So day two of the H20 mission is going well. (Mental note: Buy more toilet paper) I actually drank 6 bottles today. It has gotten a little tiring having to drop trough every what seems like 5 minutes. I am also doing my best to keep upping the veggie count. I absolutely love all the convenient options available at the store. Fresh spinach in a bag, why yes thank you. Today I enjoyed the "Rainbow Salad" mix with some ranch. Just call me the fibernator. I know I'm kind of rambly today but I mostly just wanted to post something. I did also enjoy some chocolate today. Unfortunately they came off my weekly points but I did stop after a serving so I'm proud of that. Well I was hoping to come out with some great pearl of wisdom but thats obviously not going to happen so I'm just gonna call it a night. Good night blogosphere!

Mission H20

I'm really good at opening my mouth. Seriously, I love to talk and I love to eat. I try not to do the last two at the same time but it happens. I can flap my gums like a pro. So you think that I would be able to open my mouth and put water in it quite easily. Well apparently not. Of all the diet strategies around there seems to be one piece of irrefutable dieting advice. Drink Water. So here we go. It's time. From Wednesday to Wednesday I am going to push myself to drink as much water as I can. Now all us good dieters know that its not good to drink all our water at once but to drink constantly through the day. I have a large size water bottle (apparently from Office Depot). I've already had 3 today and I plan to track them on my blog. So here I go. Chug! Chug! Chug!

Consistency conscitcesy cosnsitecy

Doing the same thing at the same time over and over again hmmmmm...... not my strong suit. I never wake up at the same time unless forced to by a job. I never eat at the same time etc. etc. I've noticed before but not put too much thought into it (I'm shocked too. Now where the tupperware should go, that I've pondered). Counting points bring this into sharp focus. Somedays I parcel out my points well with 6 small meals, very correct like. Now days like today, I count my points, but don't work to eat consistently. So here I am at the end of the day with lots of points to eat. Part of me is like Yippee!!! The smart part knows that it's better than the alternative but probably not the best way of going about things. Now I'm not going to complain about getting to have a field day in the pantry but since I'm in the healthy mindset its a little less fun. I also know that its better than the went crazy and blew it all option.

I am incredibly proud of last night. I did go out and eat what I want. I planned well and was able to use my points and not go over. What I'm proud of is that I actually came home and made sure to input all my points into my calculator. I even have 15 weekly points left, which I don't plan on using. This tracking on days where I know I'm going over is a new step in the right direction for me. I usually just don't track the rest of the day. But I decided to be accountable. NSV if I do say so myself. Well now I'm going to make a big glass of water and go finish my points (oh the horror!)

Paving a road in my mind

I'm sitting here trying to sort out all the points I want to make, all the things I want to sort out in my mind. I'm tired of being so serious in my head. I want to live out loud a little. I guess thats part of the reason I write a blog. To share.

We come to a point where we must turn around and face the things that make us who we are and do what we do. Now I'm not talking about judgement, just really looking into the darkness I like to throw carbs at. And the carbs work to an extent. For a moment, things make sense. There is goodness and pleasure and a reason to be here. These moments have there place. A good meal is truly one of life's pleasures. But for some of us, this joyous thing starts to turn. It's like coping mechanisms that help us get through painful childhoods. They are merciful and they help us stay sane. But then we get to adulthood and the mechanisms turn into barriers and walls and cages of their own. So now I sit here on the fourth day on Weight Watchers. I have budgeted my points well. I have not gone hungry. But I want to eat. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and restless in my mind. So for today I decide to turn around and not run from it. This is a good step and  it will make me stronger. But it's difficult sitting in a stew of my own thoughts and worries and hopes and questions. It's time to go even further than that. Not just reactive but proactive.

I stand up and I say "why?" Why am I here defying my rational mind. It knows that the desire to eat is a falsehood, a trap. My body is not hungry. Somewhere deep in my cells my body is actually happy for me. I've put the right amount of food in my body and I gave it nutrients. This is good. But my brain has been wired for too long. No matter how much I wish them away, the connections will never truly be gone. I have to make new ones and make them stronger. Food addiction is a solid dirt road in my mind. I must start to pave a new path. Choices get made whether I acknowledge them or not. Pushing the reality down with cheesecake doesn't erase the fact that I chose it. I have to keep pushing for answers. I have to keep pushing to take the time to make new paths in my brain. Food will always be the easier choice. Feelings and pain and life is much harder. I want to eat because I'm scared. I must stand in my truth and look into the face of my fear. Today I will stand up for myself, to myself. I am greater than the connections in my brain. I am greater than the failure I let myself tell myself I am. I will be strong amongst my fears and I will lie down next to them and show them that tonight I will sleep without a cheesecake safety blanket.

Time Warp

If you asked me if 30 minutes was a long time I would probably tell you of course it isn't. I'll never understand how something you don't want to do makes 30 minutes feel like an hour. So checking off my tortoise check list for the day I decided to take a walk. 30 minutes, no pressure. Well I'm fat ladies and gentlemen. And I felt every pound in the last ten minutes. I haven't felt this old and decrepit since..... well since I last tried to exercise. I'm glad I did and I know I need to continue to do it but 30 minutes a day sounded so easy. And I guess it wasn't that horribly hard. My nifty new Ipod also counts my steps and time for me. I probably looked really silly walking slow and then fast then slow to test if it really worked. It does. So by the tortoise scale I'm doin pretty good.

Is this a hint?

So awesome things don't happen to me very often. I'm not just being pessimistic (ok maybe a little). Ordinary things happen and expected things but left field stays pretty empty most of the time. Now my close friends and loved ones know what my prized earthly possession is. (Excepting of course family photos etc.) It's my IPod. Music keeps me going, its a vital and necessary part of my life. So when the Ipod nano came out so many years ago I scraped my shekels together to but the cheapest 2G one. It was my friend and dearest companion until I was blessed by my wonderful family and got an IPod touch for graduation. Now I adore my Ipod touch but its really not the best workout friend. It's a little clunky for those purposes and its not as tiny and portable. So my old nano trucked along until its poor little battery couldn't hold a charge for more than 20 minutes but I couldn't part with my old friend. It's awesome I did. Apple recalled the first generation nano in November because some batteries leaked. So after several months of waiting, I received a brand new 6th generation 8GB Ipod in the mail today. Completely FREE of charge. AWESOME.

Now..... ummmmmm can someone find me another excuse please? It's teeny, portable, and has FM radio. It also has a built in clip and Nike Fitness. Damn! Ok, its still awesome. I think someone is trying to tell me something.

Tortoise or the Hare?

Before knowing the moral of the story, I want so desperately to be the hare. And when I begin, I'm always the hare. I will lose all this weight! I will work out an hour every morning and and an hour every afternoon. I will never touch a white carb and I will digest every vegetable known to our omnivorous species! I will lose 2 pounds every week if not more! It's like I never heard the ending. Oh that tortoise! With its dogged determination and stick to it-ness. The hare has burned out! He cannot finish what he has started. 

So I finished day one back on the weight watchers wagon. I even did 30 minutes of exercise and drank water. Ooh I can't wait to be thin and athletic!! Oops..... what was I talking about?

Now in this classic fable we learn of the tortoise's slow and steady pace. I think we can all agree the tortoise is lame. Dude, call a taxi! But alas, I must take on the attributes of the fabled tortoise. It's time to reject the hare's siren song of fast results in minimum time. I am the tortoise (slow breathe in) I am the tortoise (slow breathe out). So what does this mean?

Attributes of the tortoise:

1) Slow and steady

2) Not competitive

3) Goal oriented (not speed oriented)

4) Awesome ninja skills (Wait ...... that's the mutant turtles...my bad)

5) Never gives up despite slow progress

6) Eventually surpasses dumbass hare

So what does this mean for my weight loss race? It means that I have to set some goals that have nothing to do with miracles, unrealistic goals, or ninja skills. So here is where I'm starting. 

1) Stay in my points realizing that sometimes white carbs, well carbs in general, will be involved. The most important thing is sticking with the plan and getting some veggies, fruit, and water in.

2) 30 minutes a day of physical movement. This is proven to be effective. I am not Rambo. 30 minutes, thats all.

3) I will compare myself to NO ONE!

But, thats not enough. WHERE IS MY PERFECTION!?!? I am the tortoise (slow breath in) I am the tortoise (slow breath out). 

Who would you be?

Who would you be if you were completely alone with no one to compare yourself to? I know what I am and I know what I'm not in many ways because I know what the people around me are or aren't.

I know I'm not successful because I know so many successful people
I know I'm not thin because I know so many thin people
I know I'm not cool because I have so many cool people around me

I know I'm kind because I've seen so many people be cruel
I know I'm funny because I make so many people laugh
I know I'm open because I've met so many people who are closed off

So the question remains, would I feel like a loser if more people I knew were losers or if I simply changed what I believe constitutes being a loser? Would I see a beautiful woman in the mirror if there was no one else to stand next to? Would I feel content exactly where I am in life if my life was completely my own?

This thought consumed my mind last night. It really is something to think about. I gauge so much about myself, and most people I think do to, by the person standing to my right and the person standing to my left. This made me quite hopeful today. I'm going to close my eyes and make my own conclusions about who and what I am.

I am also stocked and ready to start focusing on my eating again. I know I've gained some weight but, at least for today, I'm going to start fresh. I want to release the burden on my shoulders like a parachutist unclasps his shoot. My mom also purchased a small floor cycle. I think I'm going to try it out. So much of not exercising is the pain of being this size. This is definitely a no excuses piece of equipment, easy to use, low impact, quiet, and I can watch t.v. while I do it. I'll let you know how it goes.

New Year, new me????

It's that time of year again. Does anyone ever keep their resolutions? I'm sure someone out there has, but I think we can all agree that most resolutions go out as quickly as the cold weather here in Texas. But I can't deny that the new year gets me thinking about all that could happen in one year. It is especially like that this year since I don't have much mapped out. I know what I want to happen. I know what I'm dreaming will come true. But as a  loved one so eloquently put "it's time to get off the pot." You know who you are. But it's true. The world doesn't come to you. A person must go out and meet their destiny. That means I have to acquire some verbs, ACTION verbs. But why can't happiness fall into my lap? I bite my thumb at thee cruel reality. So what first? Let's start with tomorrow. I'll let you know how it went.