Tuesday night nosedive

Last night I went off the rails and today I am being crushed by anxiety. Last night I was awash in TOM hormones and post holiday blahs. It was a storm of disaster. Okay maybe not disaster. But I did make cinnamon sugar toast and ate straight up bacon and cheddar cheese. I couldn't handle my brain. And the food only calmed the storm for a few minutes. I've been vigilant today and will be good at family dinner tonight but I am struggling. If I can get through this week and come out safely it will be a triumphant moment for me. I knew I had to blog about it, get it out in the open. I can't hole up in my  mind cave. Decisions have to be made today. I want so desperately to just "wait til tomorrow" but I think we all know where that leads. I have to be present in my fear and my anxiety. I have to know that I can face these feelings and not hide from them. Today today today, I will choose to stand up today. Breathe. One day at a time. I think I am now sane enough to finish my grapefruit. Don't be surprised if you see me back tonight. I will write all night if if keeps me from going insane or to the refrigerator.

Thanksgiving is finally over

So here is the situation. I did pretty well over the Thanksgiving holiday. I let myself enjoy more during the whole week than I had planned. But the really good news is I never stuffed myself the entire week. My best friend was really amazed at my Thanksgiving meal. I even got a few weird looks from family members who obviously had just compared what was on their plate and what was on mine. Although the week wasn't exactly as I planned, I was able to deal with some feelings that came up. I feel like a step forward was made.

But now....... today........ well I feel like a slug.  I do not want to return to the regularly scheduled program. I forced myself to wake up and eat breakfast but it was very difficult. I think I'm going to make a smoothie for a snack to get some of those fruits and veggie back in my system. It's rubber hits the road time and I'm having to fight for it. My goal is to lose another 10 pounds by Christmas. That will be a very reachable goal. That would mean a 20 pound total loss. I would love to lose more but dealing in reality is one of my overall keys to success. No more perfectionism for me. Monday and I  are going to work together this year.

Dessert Landmine

It's taking everything in me not to eat the cherry pie in the refrigerator. Regular anxiety is one thing but feeling let down by someone you care about is even worse. I am trying not to be mad but I can't stop. My mind says to stuff those feelings down with pie. I don't want to keep holding on. I already said no to dessert at dinner. And now I'm mad and I have to go to bed without a full stomach to sand down all the rough edges. I know I have to let the anxiety be. Every time I let myself feel it, the less I will feel it next time. It's just psychology. It's such a horrible cycle. Being unhealthy makes me depressed. Depression just makes me want to eat which only makes me more unhealthy. Making it through Thanksgiving will be a huge achievement for me. I should be proud of today and somewhere in me I know I am. But right now I am mad at her. And lonely. The emptiness where I usually put food is only making me lonelier.

Not falling in the T-day trap

Thanksgiving weight gain is not about Thursday's meal. It never was and never will be. It's the scary days before and after. It's that feeling of holiday. I am working very hard not to do that. Tonight there was meatloaf and rolls and cherry pie and ice cream. This is normally a gut buster. Tonight though I did the work no matter how it depressed me. I had one roll and a small slice of meatloaf. I would say it was about 1/4 of the size I normally have. I also declined pie and ice cream (super sad face). As the cherry pie mocked me I decided to invoke the 3 (very small) bite rule which helped calm the crazy enough that I feel strong enough not to do a late night fridge raid. There is half a pie in there!! and so it shall remain. So I've survived another day of temptation. Tomorrow here I come. C'mon broccoli show me what ya got.

Another week is almost in the books. Well week number 2 that is. It wasn't perfect but I did the 90%. I feel that I've lost a few pounds this week (We'll see tomorrow morning). I am getting to the part where its all getting a little bit old. That first week you have that sense of starting something new, of getting in the zone. This week I had to keep the work up. I have the nagging self doubts but I am working hard to face the problems and the anxiety. I had a few sleepless nights but I got through them. Next week will be difficult as it is, as we all know, the front door to the holidays. My big goal is to eat a healthy breakfast that morning and not let Thursday go into Friday. Hopefully my best friend will be here. She always knows what to say. I don't really want to keep doing this. We all know it's really hard. Well, I agree. This is hard. *whine*

I'm feeling the change a little. That extra energy and the sense that my body is completely on. I have the habit of wanting to nap but I don't actually have the fatigue to have to nap to feel normal. I didn't sleep well last night though. I couldn't sleep so I watched some t.v. It helped keep the thoughts at bay a little but I still really wanted to find a slice of cheesecake and some cheetos. I definitely know what my treat will be this weekend. I have a pretty clear plan that involves cheetos, a slice of cheesecake, and a Dr. Pepper. Now I have to find a way to create the new habit of being able to wait for special occasions. The cravings and the obsessive thoughts will wane. I know they will but I have to keep strong and goodness its hard. During the day I have a meal coming in 3 hours. But now after 7 I can't eat. I might have a small applesauce but that's it. But I made it through last night. And here comes another one. One day at a time. I have to believe that I can and let myself know that it's time to be real and to do the work. Tonight I hid veggies all up in the pasta sauce. I am proud.

Tomorrow we go to my aunt's house and on Thursday we have company. I will have to be very clear with my goals and expectations for the next two days. That means resisting dessert (or entering the treacherous waters of the three bite rule)  two nights in a row, including a dessert I made myself. Strangely enough I have an easier time not eating what I made personally. Baking is an act of sharing, of giving. I get the best satisfaction from seeing others be happy. Maybe I will play the I'm a busy hostess please don't notice I didn't have any dessert routine. It's the questions that are the most awkward part. I think it's pretty obvious why a gal like myself would say no to dessert. Must we make a big show of wondering it aloud?

The panic is subduing a little bit. I am still in a bit of a mood today but it's seems to be on a different track than the usual bad mood = need to eat. I made it through a tough moment during the weekend. I resisted the usual urge to slip. It would have been small but it would have been that first step that I am so used to. I wasn't perfect on Sunday ( I overdid the bacon in the morning) but as many times as I wanted to "let's just wait until Monday, what does this one day matter" (Harumph! I know exactly what that means. You would think I wouldn't have fallen into my own trap like 5 million times.) I didn't listen. I waded throught that sinking feeling reminding me how many days ahead of me that I have to stick to this for it to really be the last time. But at least for this weekend, I enjoyed my free meal and kept going the next day. Today wasn't exactly hard, but all my food was joyless and tasteless. I know that my dependency on food comes from the amount of enjoyment (temporary of course) I get from it. It keeps me going. It gets me through the day. Not having that today made me feel gray. Now I need something else. I need to find something within me that keeps the light on. I don't know what it's gonna be. I have to fill that hole or its emptiness is going to draw me back in as it always does. It's that black hole that scares me. It's and open fresh wound that cries out for it's comfort. One day at a time I guess.  

My mood is suffering. I have no food buffer to numb the pains of reality. I must get back into gratitude mode. I have so much, but here I am just hating life because I can't eat. How stupid is that? I have more food in my pantry than some people will have for months. Ok, that's a truth I need to get with. Me me me, that's the refrain in my head. What about me and my life? It's nowhere near where I want but how much of that is my fault? Yikes, way too much. I promise to open my life up to gratitude today. My blessings are innumerable. The fact that I have to face myself without mind altering food chemicals is something I need to be grateful for too. I have the actual choice to eat or not eat. How many people on this planet don't get that choice?

I found myself this evening not wanting to get into bed. The past several nights I have had trouble sleeping but it wasn't that. I had several shows I could watch on Hulu and I had planned to just watch t.v. until I was tired and stop worrying so much about my sleep cycle. But for some reason I kept avoiding going to bed. I watched a couple less enticing shows on the DVR and wondered why I didn't just go and watch t.v. in my room. Then I realized my habit, my dirty little secret. T.V. in bed goes hand in hand with eating, especially candy and chocolate binges. The numbing beauty of t.v. and sweets, ah the sweet calming joy of it all. But now I would have to come and sit in here without food. I enjoy t.v. on its own but I really want my little secret stash in the nightstand or the late night kitchen run. It just didn't seem as fun anymore. That probably means I should get a hobby or watch less t.v. UH.... let's save that little gem for some other day. Right now I am struggling with the late night addiction pains. Does overeaters anonymous have those little chips like A.A. does? That would be really nice. I have looked for an overeaters anonymous meeting near me but there is only one and it is held during the day when I can't go. It's also at a relatives church which would be tres awkward. I have my limits. I think o.a would be helpful for me. I know it's an addiction. I know ADHD plays a part but it's still an addiction. And right now this addict is on day three in the hardest part of the day. Everyone had brownies and ice cream for dessert. I had three tiny nibbles of the brownie before I threw the rest in the trash. I was proud of that. No bullshit, just the truth of knowing I can't have it around. I tried some frozen grapes. They are interesting but I would have them again. I have to just get over the fact that nothing is going to really replace or taste like ice cream. There is no magic pill. It's just eat right and get moving. Le sigh.

You have to go through to get to

Night is always the hardest, the breaking point. No more calories to consume, a whole evening of me and my neuroses. Last night I nearly lost my mind tossing and turning in bed. The thought that soothed me was "the only way to is through." Dr. Oz said "weight loss is a battle." That man really gets it. I love his show. It has motivated me to start again. I am trying to not do the same trying to be the nutrition goddess of perfection. My first goal right now is to eat. Huh? What? It's amazing how not eating can actually make you fatter. I am the don't eat breakfast, late lunch, midnight pigout kinda gal. This is dieting death. I have to eat. But this requires thought, planning, a near obsession with food. Now obsession is no new friend of mine but the line of obsession from helpful to crazy wild eating a whole pizza in one sitting kind of obsession is very thin and I usually fall. I must face the anxiety if it is ever going to lessen. I have to sit in it and not run away. I have to accept this and my new reality. No more after dinner food. It's the law, it's the rule. Can I start crying yet? So evening 2 here I go. Come on reality, let's dance.