Hellur! I'm on a diet!

Now some people like to say "lifestyle change" and that is what it is but your diet is technically what you eat on a regular basis. So me being "on a diet" means I am actively managing what goes into my body. So I do not fear the d word.

It is interesting to me how people seem to get really confused when you don't eat something. I was at dinner tonight and I didn't eat chips or queso. "You aren't going to eat any?" Ummm... no. People look perplexed like I've just announced that I'm an alien or something. How many times do you have to obviously be on a diet before people expect it? Now I guess as many times as I have failed, most people don't understand my new consistency. It does amuse me how guilty people look about their own eating, like they know they should probably do the same thing. When did I become the example?

I'm trying to stay positive about the work situation. I did get in the HGO chorus for Fidelio. That is a big relief, but to finish my application for substitute teaching I had to spend my last paycheck on the money I owed SMU so they will release my transcript. It's going to be really tight for awhile and I'm just getting really tired of being the "poor" one. It was okay at 23 but at 32 its getting kinda lame. It's also going to really cut into my shopping budget. I may lose weight the old fashioned poverty route. But I refuse to buy cheap crap food. If I have to subsist off chicken and broccolli, I will. I would rather have one meal of nutrition than 3 of junk. I just won't do it.But for now I have a full fridge and I will thank the Lord for my many blessings.

Official weigh in #1 Dun dun dun!!

Soooo, let's just rip off the band-aid real quick here. My official weigh-in is 333. It's a visually attractive number but not so much a physically attractive one. Now to put this in some perspective, my highest weight was around 350 and when I snuck a peek two or three weeks ago it was 341, so I'll take it. I haven't decided  if to say that means I have lost 8 pounds or to say that since my heighest  was 350 then I have lost 17. Hmmm.... what a conundrum. This also means that I am 18 pounds away from my first goal. Hopefully I can hack at a big chunk of that during September. Well, its off to veggieland I go.

Tuesday

What an enticing title huh? Well, thats what today was so I'm just gonna roll with it. I ate super well today even with a lot on my mind. I have been enjoying being able to take my time cooking. I need some steady employment but I know that it will only make things harder. I'll have less time and less energy to eat this well. But for now I'm enjoying the luxury of taking my time. I have found that cooking healthily can be very satisfying. I enjoy thinking about the benefits of all the ingredients that go into whatever I'm making. Like for lunch I made a salad. Romaine lettuce and green leaf lettuce, beautiful green nutrients. Carrots, purple cabbage, red onion, so much nutrition! Then I had ground turkey, hello nice lean protein and garlic, hello heart health! And unlike the short lived euphoria of sugar and carbs, this good feeling continues on. Well hello Kashi bar! Aren't you just full of whole grains, protein, and delicious dark chocolate. Good morning Mr. Greek yogurt with super protein. Now these are friends I don't have to be ashamed of and hide in the closet.

Well tomorrow I log in an official weight. I know its not the first yet but I will be at my moms tomorrow and her scale is my official scale.  I know its gone down, I know it has but seeing that number is still hard to take. Part of it is that I have been yo-yo ing around this weight for some time now. This number, while going down, is still quite higher than when I started last time. But when September is over I know it will be worth it and that having the loss down on paper will be a good thing.

Til tomorrow

Temptation Road

There is a main road near my house that has a row of fast food chains, including my beloved McDonald's. I can't drive on this road without thinking I should stop by. And now its been long enough that part of me would feel real free about rationalizing doing it. This is the power of addiction. It is so ingrained in me that fast food has got to be part of my life. I don't want to have to think about french fries and McNuggets every time I drive on this road. But I've realized that I have to go through it to get through it. I have programmed myself to think about it and to stop and eat it. I have to reprogram myself, and it's gonna take time. Pretending that it is not a problem doesn't help anyone.

So I made it through another drive without stopping for the oh so tasty fat and grease. I went to the grocery store and ransacked the produce department. I think I have every vegetable I could possibly want. It really is satisfying to see a grocery cart full of nourishment. It makes me feel good to know what is going to go into my body and that its gonna help it instead of just being dealt with. I like thinking about how my body must be loving all these wonderful vitamins and nutrients. I wish I could apologize to it for 32 years of mistreatment.

I also saw this commercial for a new Velveeta shells and cheese skillet meal. It just makes me so sad that they are acting like it is some delicious homemade alternative to eating out. IT IS CHEMICALS!! Chemicals and processed flour. Nothing in nature is that color or that consistency. I'm not saying that I wouldn't eat it, because I'm a food addict and it looks delicious. But let us at least be honest about what we are selling here. It is not a family meal.

Avoidance is key

How does one go from a veggie wrap for lunch to downing chocolate chips before bed? Addiction is a cruel mind game. I know how the aftermath feels yet my mind convinces me that the pizza and the chocolate are necessary for survival. How can I actually believe that I won't make it without it? I was so very close to not blogging tonight. I wanted to sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. But they say that you are only as sick as your secrets. I won't deny that I have a problem anymore. I don't want to hide in my bed and cry. I want to make sure that I wake tomorrow with a plan and know that I can keep going, that I can finally change my life and the way I think. I've been faced with a lot of temptation this month. I have resisted a lot of it. This weekend I failed. The trick is to remember that that does not mean that I am a failure. One choice does not erase the choices before or doom the ones ahead. I've read so many blogs and my first instinct is to feel sorry for myself that so many others did better than me this weekend. I turn positives into negatives. It seems to be the way my mind works. But I don't want to do that. I will take strength from these people. People who know the struggle and who fight like me. I have not been knocked down. I just have finally reached the trenches, where you stick it out and keep fighting no matter how grim it feels.

But making the choice for honesty can be embarrassing. But I know, I know this is good for me. And maybe it will be good for someone who reads this. Here is what I ate today.. (UGHHH!)

Whole wheat tortilla, turkey, cheese, light mayo, broccoli, carrots, purple cabbage,

4 bites of chocolate cake, mini reeses peanut butter cup, 2 slices of thin crust Pizza Hut pizza, 8-10 Hershey's kisses, 4 or 5 handfuls of chocolate chips.

This is my reality. This is what I put in my body today. I make no excuses and I refuse to feel pity for myself. I am a food addict. This is part of my truth, but it does not have to define me or my future. HEB produce department, I'll see you in the morning.

Saturday nervousness

So my audition this morning went well. But this of course means I didn't eat breakfast. So my brain screams "It's time to treat yourself, you deserve it." Same old story from the food addict handbook. But I handled it. I did stop at Starbuck's for a nonfat frappucino. Best choice, no, better choice, yes.

Now here is the scary part. I plan on eating a nice veggie wrap after I finish up this post. But then E is having people over for a fantasy football draft party. Now E is on Weight Watchers but she is the queen of self control and is perfect like 99% of the time, but today she is having a free day. This works for her, she is NOT a food addict. I have to give her props, she works very hard to maintain her weight in a family genetic pool that doesn't help in any way. Weight Watchers helps her maintain. So back to the Free Day (Alarm bells). In my house today there will be pizza, cake, candy and beer. 4 of my favorite things. I want to say that I will be a bastion of strength and nibble on my carrot while the festivities ensue. But in all honesty I can't say that. I don't really know what is going to happen, but I'm going to honestly give it my best effort. I'll update ya'll tonight.

Update: So things didn't go super well. I don't really want to go into what I ate because the most interesting thing is how I feel now. I have NO desire to eat junk tomorrow. I lived a little tonight, had some pizza beer etc. I cannot wait to eat healthy tomorrow. I can't actually believe it myself. This is a totally new sensation. I ALWAYS want pizza. Not this time. I want a veggie wrap and some fresh fruit and some whole grains. Maybe my body does know whats best for it. Wow!

Another door

Today was my last day watching the girls. Sad face. I will be living here for a few more weeks until my aunt's house is finished being built. This means that next week I have to be proactive about getting my substitute teaching paperwork done. My Houston Grand Opera chorus audition is tomorrow morning. If I get in again it will be a huge help in keeping me working. If I don't get in again, it's gonna be a slim month. If I don't get on the sub list then it looks like I'll be waiting tables again (please no!) I'm really hoping that the voice teaching job pans out because it will mean some experience until next year. I'm really leaning towards my doctorate but first I just want to work regularly and go on this cruise with my family in June. I would also like to go see my brother for Thanksgiving. E is going to rent a car so basically I just need to have enough money to chip in for the car and for expenses while I'm there, (I also hope to have a little for some black Friday shopping). It's times like these I could really use the Strattera, it makes getting all the little detail things done so much faster with almost no anxiety.

Today's eating was really good! Woot woot!

Breakfast: 2 slices whole grain bread with smart balance butter, strawberries,
Lunch: whole wheat tortilla with turkey, cheese, lowfat mayo, broccoli, carrots, radishes, and purple cabbage,   last skinny cow ice cream sandwich
Snack: Low fat popcorn, dark chocolate
Dinner: Morning Star Farms Chili (super loaded with protein and fiber), WW cheese, dollop of creme fraiche
Zantac (nerves and chili, acid city)

I'm thinking of starting to do the whole picture blogging thing. I enjoy seeing it on other blogs and it seems pretty cool. And my lunch wrap was so pretty. I am gonna upload a picture of me soon too.