Garlic breath and inner beauty

I just had the most delicious tilapia smothered in garlic. My house stinks and so does my breath but who cares.

After my last post, I was reminded by my wonderful blogger friends about the beauty that really matters. I reread my last post and I realize how it might have sounded. It sounded like some arrogant blowhard with the absolute wrong priorities. Well, as I am not perfect, I do have my arrogant blowhard moments. I don't regret the post because it was honestly how I felt. I remember by grandmother holding my face saying "oh you just don't realize how beautiful you are, if you could just lose that extra weight." Now before you go dissin my grandma, know that my grandma was one of the most amazingly wonderful women ever created. If that sentence was the worst thing she ever did to me then well I count myself blessed. I never doubted her love for me for one second. But this sentence (especially since she was not the first or last to say it) did affect me. I'd like to pretend that I live in a beautiful bubble of self-love never noticing anyone's size or physical appearance. Because of my own struggles I don't judge others or think less of them. I love people for who they are inside. People with ugly insides need not apply. But I do fight the urge to judge myself. Loving yourself inside and out, how does one really do that? My goodness it's a struggle. So today instead of listing what's wrong with my outsides I think I'll list what's right with my insides.

1) I always think the best of people 2) I don't abuse friendships 3) I try to be kind 4) I smile at strangers and open doors (It's amazing how many people get shocked when you smile at them) 5) I give great hugs 6) I am generous with my time

I could go on, but we've had enough arrogant blowhardness for one day. So I want to know.

What's beautiful about your insides? (Try not to be too literal. I don't want to hear about your colon.)

Just a pretty face

Ok, how do I say this without sounding arrogant? I'm beautiful. Yep, that sounds completely big headed. But here's the shitty part. I'm fat, really fat, and apparently that just reminds people how beautiful you could be. I was blessed with a lovely face. Seriously. I have beautiful eyes, lovely teeth, good bone structure, a nice nose, small but shapely lips, and relatively good skin (nothing good makeup can't fix). I shouldn't complain. Really, I shouldn't. I've been blessed.  But being told (and knowing it even if no one said it) that you would be gorgeous IF you were a normal weight is like a punch in the gut. I've never been skinny, EVER. My body is a wreck. I've done irreversible damage to it. My skin won't ever fully recover and .... well we all know what extra weight does to the body. But if I lost the weight, clothes and the godsend of Spanx could cover the damage well enough. But this face will only last another 20 years (30 with the right science). It's like having a million dollars ten feet away but not being able to reach it. I want to shine. I want to stand next to (she shall remain nameless) and be, if not the skinny one, the beautiful one. Now I'm just a could be. I've been a could be since I was a teenager. I know this post sounds like a bunch of stupid crap but my face has been one of the only things I've had to hold on to (not including my awesome sense of humor). It just hurts to hear how beautiful I WOULD be. It just makes me depressed. Sorry for this ridiculous sounding post. Time to get my could be beauty sleep. Goodnight.

It's worth it. Right?

I am not in a good mood. I'm tired of saying no to food. I'd rather just not eat at all than have to keep making these choices. Today I had to go to the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner with the family tomorrow night. It took all my power to not get some junk. Cravings are supposed to diminish. I mean thats what everybody says. Ok well how long does that take because I would do a great many things right now for a bag of cheetos, a piece of cheesecake, and a liter of Dr. Pepper. How can something so delicious be bad? I'm glad its time to go to bed. If I felt this way in the afternoon I don't think I would have made it. Things are not looking up. Tomorrow is dinner with the family, another chance to face food demons (pie and homeade rolls). I'm glad to be seeing my aunt who is coming into town but I would rather not have to watch everyone eat pie in front of me. I DON'T WANT TO SAY NO! Ok well I better stop this little rant before I start pulling out my hair and using my treasure trove of self-pity and profanity. Goodnight all.

Brussel sprouts and red wine

I never understood being an alcoholic. I guess its because I already had a drug of choice. But now I'm slowly breaking my cycle of addiction (well maybe slowly chipping away at it). NOW that I am a fan of red wine I UNDERSTAND how one could slowly not be able to live without it. I always picture alcoholism as swilling whiskey all day (even thinking it makes my stomach turn.) But slowly finding my way to the end of a red wine bottle, not a problem. My glass of red wine last night was simply fantastic. Now don't start to worry. A healthy serving of red wine is very small so I limited myself to that, but I could have easily wrapped myself up in the whole bottle. Luckily alcohol is easy for me to limit (thank God something is!)

On another note, I branched out and roasted some brussel sprouts today. They were good but I know they could be better. Anyone have any suggestions?

Full length mirrors are of the devil

So I went to the grocery store, filled up my cart with a rainbow of healthy foods. I was feelin pretty fine until I went to choir rehearsal tonight and was faced with a wall of mirrors. Oh the crushing blow of reality. I'm really so much skinnier in my mind. It still shocks me when I see myself. Who is this person? And now that my face is starting to age its getting harder to face the reflection. I always had my face. No matter how fat I was, my face was beautiful. Now my skin is telling the story of a sunblock free youth and I can't afford really good skin care. I've never been a fan of mirrors but now I flat out hate them. This really sucks. I'm looking for reasons to be joyful but I'm having trouble. I would write a longer post but this complaining isn't really helping me feel better. Maybe some Frasier on Netflix will. We'll see.

Valentine's Day

I'm usually so much more bitter. Hmmmm...... I guess I'm in a zen phase, ready to wait for the right one to come along and keep working to love myself more. I wouldn't have minded some chocolates though. Oh well

Food is going well. Eating the veggies and staying away from the sugar. It's working too. Scale finally went down. I've had a few panic, let's eat a slice of cheesecake moments but somehow (ok mostly its not having anything bad in the house) I got through. There is one thing I absolutely hate, hate, hate about dieting. I feel hollow at night. I'm not talking hungry. If I'm hungry I eat and I know the difference. I'm talking that lightness in my stomach when I'm in bed trying to get to sleep. I miss that feeling of fullness. It's been like losing a really good friend. I KNOW its good for me. I know I'm using more than I'm putting in. I know I have to accept it and get used to it but I honestly don't like it. Anyone else miss that feeling?

Diet Alarm Clock

Most people need alarm clocks. There is no shame in having that little device help you wake up every morning. I need diet alarm clocks way more than I'm giving myself access to them. I was watching the Dr's (a daytime t.v. show) and it showed the affects of excess fat on the body. Somewhere in my data banks I had this knowledge. I know how bad my behaviors are going to affect my body. But apparently I needed that wake up call again. It has re-motivated me to focus on not just the scale but the health aspects of food. I feel ready to eat what's good for me tomorrow. So this has reminded me that I need to keep finding alarm clocks to help me stay motivated. I'm going to try to make a real point of looking for things that keep my mind in the right place.