Adulthood, not my favorite

So I'm in a mood and none of my besties are on Facebook chat and its too late to be making phone calls.

I've always been a really self aware person. I know all about my fault and my weaknesses, but its starting to get really tiring. I have a terrible fear of doing things wrong. Now if I was perfect, that wouldn't be much of an issue but seeing as I am far from makes life painful. Today I was sent an email about work. Now the email wasn't critical but it brought up an issue of something I needed to do better. So instead of just going okay I'll fix it (especially since it was an issue I was aware of and was making strides to improve, so it wasn't out of left field) I start to analyze things I already know the rational answers to. I'm so tired of the brain roller coaster. I want to make a decision and stick to it. I hate seeing every detail, every scenario, over and over and over again.

The reality is that I am new at this. I'm learning my way through it. I just feel a great responsibility to be the best at something that someone else is spending their good money having me do.

Well after a few missteps, my fridge is full and my WW calculator is poised for a good week. See ya tomorrow.

Another birthday party and still on point

I love weight watchers but they really need to revamp their cake section. They don't make it easy to figure out how much cake one can have. Luckily the host of my niece's birthday party does WW and was helpful. Now I know I don't have to eat cake, but when you budget for it, well its part of the reason I chose WW. Life does not make losing weight easy. But when you are at a party its a little harder to get the portions right if someone just hacks into the cake. Luckily I was able to get the right portion and not have to worry. It was probably the smallest piece of cake I have ever eaten but there is satisfaction in knowing you don't have to stress about it.

Tomorrow is book club a.k.a use my weekly points club. I've finally narrowed down the menu. We are reading The Hunger Games but they wouldn't let me do the not feeding them and making them go hungry theme. So my cousin and I decided to label things from different districts and I'm doing a "dessert on fire" aka cherries jubilee. I've always wanted to flambe something and the recipe is surprisingly simple.

I'm ready to get paid because my pantry is looking a little slim and I'm totally out of veggies and I have one can of pineapple. I'm determined to stay in my points but I still want to emphasize the healthy eating and do this the best I can (with an occasional piece of cake and a McRib - don't judge me- here and there). I know it doesn't work as well if all your points are carbs and meat. (And its getting kind of boring) I really like a lot of variety, especially when I'm eating healthy.

Can't be shy sometimes

So I did pretty well today and stayed in my points. My aunt invited me and mom to dinner which was I wasn't really in the mood for. But I got over myself and asked my aunt to measure out the chili for me. I eyeballed the cheese and said no to bread. I also measured out my ice cream, I'm sorry but blue bell ice cream and I still had 9 points left for the day. Yum! I need to try and get another piece of fruit in and some more water but I'm pretty okay with how the day went.

Now tomorrow I need to take a walk. I should have today but I didn't. The weather is beautiful which gives me NO excuse especially since my new neighborhood has sidewalks. Yay!!! I hate walking on the road knowing that oncoming traffic gets a nice up close view of my workout pant clad ass. I have no illusions about what I look like. But after this many years I've gotten pretty good at getting over what other people think. Being weird and klutzy makes it easy to get used to embarrassment. And I've been blessed with friends who love me just the way I am. But tomorrow I have to make a shopping list, drink water, and walk. I can do that.

Emotions, no thanks I'd rather not!

So I'm dealing with a little anger at a family member. I know that I will soon get over this feeling but its taking longer than usual because I don't have junk food to tell my troubles to. I'm generally a pretty upbeat person who gets over things pretty easily. It was just bad timing to be getting serious again and have this person annoy me with their selfishness. And now I see this person loaded down with junk food and I want to scream. I want SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! oops I had a moment there. I woke up earlier today which I'm happy about, even though I did take a little nap. But I got all my chores done and stayed right in my points.

Does anyone else feel a little guilty on Weight Watchers? I had white carbs and red meat today. The perfectionist in my head is panicking. This feels like way too much food. Now before I get in too much trouble, I also had a good amount of veggies and I'm about to crack open a delicious grapefruit. I'm also struggling with the growing thoughts about my weight and trying not to jump on the scale every five seconds. I know logically that this is going to take a long time. But I have to fight the impatience more than I have to fight the cravings. Oh and can I tell you how much I love the little WW calculator. It keeps track of everything and makes it much easier. I just wish the buttons where a teeny bit bigger, wow here I go complaining! I've also been enjoying making lemonade since there is always lemon juice in the house. And can I say, Dr. Pepper ten is AWESOME. But I've had to be real strict about having only one a day. If it becomes a problem, I'm going to have to keep it out of the house and I reaaaaallllly don't want to have to do that.

Routines, I need to get some.

So I have been waking up really late lately and its a habit I have got to get out of. I know that a lot has to do with my health (mentally and physically). I REALLY REALLY want to get back on my medications. Poverty really stinks. I was doing ok without them but now I really miss them. Better living through pharmaceuticals. I was always against medications but when I was on them my quality of life was so much better. My ADHD meds made me feel like I was somewhat closer to normal. Without them it feels like I'm constantly treading water in molasses. I have been in a better mood lately but I'm still having trouble focusing and getting things done. It's almost impossible to get my head set on straight.

Its been difficult doing the Weight Watchers because of my mental problems but its also sort of a nice anchor too. I don't have to worry so much about being perfect. I'm just staying within my points, eating veggies, and focusing on protein instead of processed carbs. It's something to hold onto and with my brain floating around its nice to have something easy. Waking up late is being a problem though because I feel like I'm eating a lot of food in a shorter period of time. So my goals are simple, wake up earlier and count my points. I can do this.

Struggling to eat.... thats a new one

I realized that my eating is so erratic. Having to eat so many points in one day I think will be about getting my body used to something. I believe in Weight Watchers. I've read some reports of people not doing as well on the new program but I'm gonna really try to go by the book for a solid month before I make any grand pronouncements about its efficacy. I understand that my larger body uses more energy and that my crime hasn't always been eating too much but what and how I've been eating it. I think if I can be very strict about getting the right amount of points and trying to be healthier and limit the white carbs and sugars that my body might actually appreciate a steady controlled intake of food. Structure is hard for a lot of people, structure is INSANE for a an ADHDer. I know that my metabolism and insulin stuff has to be completely out of whack. So I guess this means I'm gonna have to eat breakfast. Oh well.

I've really been enjoying opera chorus. Its an almost perfect job. I get to be onstage but I don't have to deal with the crushing pressure that comes with the main roles. I hope to have this job for years to come. I also get to be onstage with some amazing performers. Its like getting paid to hear your favorite singer up close and personal. But one thing I have learned is that being on stage is a very physically demanding thing. You have to deal with heels, sloped floors, crazy stairs, confining underwear, and other sundry things. The theater is a JOB. A job I adore, but my big ass has some troubles. It would be great to go into next season not having to worry about getting up off the floor.

I get how many points!?!?

Um so I got the Pointplus calculator and I won't say how many points I am allotted but I feel like its a million. Now I could easily eat that many points at the drive-thru but to eat healthily I feel like I'm gonna have to start eating 18 meals a day. I'm no scientist and I know that Weight Watchers works but it seems crazy to have to eat that much food. Now I know some of my smaller compatriots would be angry at my complaining but it seems like A LOT of food. But I guess we'll see this week. I have all my paperwork ready to go and other than Wednesday night's chicken and dumplings I feel ready to go in the eating department.

Mentally and emotionally I am trying to get out of a rut. I'm not like crazy depressed or crazy happy either. I'm just kinda sittin here watching my life go by, dreaming about having a family. I've looked into a couple of free dating sites but it seems like the quality ones you have to pay for. I'm not against that but the reality is I can't afford that for another month now. I'm also TERRIFIED of dating. I feel like I would be terrified even if I was smaller but at my size I'm mortified. How much is it to ask that I can marry rich?

Time to pull my head out of the sand.

It's been too long. I know this. I've almost come back so many times. But I think about having to write about how I'm feeling and then I do what I'm best at, running from the problem. Then I had some people ask me why I wasn't blogging. It felt good to know people were interested. Then I wonder why I would have to say that wouldn't be me wallowing in self pity. I try not to let the self pity leak out on to others. I want to say that I've bounced back and that I'm ready to keep going. The reality is that I'm not. I feel rather stuck. And tonight I found out that my family will be flying up to see my brother for Thanksgiving. I have been looking forward to seeing my brother. Now I have to worry about airplane seats. I don't want to cancel my whole trip because of my big ass. But I'm terrified I won't fit in the seat or they will make me buy two seats. I've handled a lot of embarrassment in my life but I don't think I could take the shame of being led out of the plane to go buy another ticket. I also doubt I could fly first class and I know I would get a lot of questions about that. I really don't feel like telling people that I had to buy a more expensive seat cause I was too expansive. Expansive = expensive. It was just something I don't really want to think about right now. I'm trying to be positive. Not one of my best skills in a time like this.

The eating is about to get better. Finally have a little money to spend at the grocery store. I will be back tomorrow but beware, I might be whining again.