Not being perfect or making excuses?

What's the difference between mitigating trying too hard to be perfect and making excuses? I could have done a lot better today in my eating. I drank water and had breakfast. I ate fruits and vegetables... and cake and a cherry kolache. I exercised really hard and got my heart rate up for 30 minutes but I didn't finish the whole video. Now the exercise I'm okay with. I am working up to my highest capacity and am exercising wholeheartedly for 30 minutes. The whole 45 will come with time. Now the eating. I'm still maneuvering the you can't deprive yourself all the time mantra with you can't treat yourself all the time reality. I think my new goal really needs to be to limit my splurges. I must start really learning the dieting truth that all you really need is a few bites. The idea of mindful eating was a new revelation. Now I have to take it in to practice. If I have candy or cake or whatnot, I don't need the whole thing and I MUST think about and be present while I'm eating the thing. Mindless is addiction, mindful is listening to my inner truth. I'm feeling hopeful.

Fueling up for the long journey

Some dieters (okay me (maybe you too)) hope that if they can find the biggest tank and make it bigger and fill it all to the top that hopefully that will last the whole journey. If the tank is big enough you will always have enough motivation and energy to pull from. This is a dream. Reality is that the tank is very small, a thimble sometimes. All that dreaming and hoping and scheming and convincing is really just overflow. You can't hold on to it. The tank has to be filled everyday. Some mornings it might be on empty. If you are truly lucky, you might have a little from the day before. But yes, you have to fill it EVERY DAY. This makes me groan. Ugh! Every day? Yes, but you have to realize that all you have to do is fill it a little and if you didn't fill it yesterday, that's no excuse not to fill it today.

As I was exercising.. Okay well as I was sitting down resting I thought about how long it will take to get to the point that I can do the whole video all the way through without stopping. This thought was utterly disappointing. I realized that it won't be tomorrow, or next week, or maybe even this year *wildly bursts in to tears*. But I remembered that today, I was doing great! I was sweating and doing better than I had yesterday. I also realized that a small part of me didn't believe that that day would ever come. Thankfully I reminded myself about perspective. The facts are, if I exercise 5-6 days a week and eat well, there really isn't a way I won't be able to. I have to be happy with my little steps and my little tank. The only day ahead of me is tomorrow.

The beautiful amazing heart

The heart really is an amazing muscle. It's programmed to keep going and it never gets rest. Rest is how you get stronger and you heal. Not the heart. How do we keep the heart healthy? We have to make it work harder. It's really rather counterintuitive but extraordinary at the same time. As I exercise and I feel my heart beating so fast it feels like it simply can't be good for it. (be advised that I never overdo and I stop frequently). While I hate the feeling, I love it at the same time. It's a message from my heart to me and me to my heart. It is strong but it needs my help and my love. It works tirelessly while I treat it so badly and there it is beating for me. It says good for you and thank you for the exercise. I feel the blood it pumps and my whole body knows that it's being taken care of. I hate exercising. But these few minutes after I'm done and I feel my heart disappear into it's quiet routine I feel grateful and I thank it for another wonderful day.

It's Monday and I feel motivated?!

This weekend was pretty unproductive and not so great on the health front, I won't lie. But today, on Monday!, I was ready to get the week rolling. I just finished exercising and finally! after last week I feel better after my workout instead of worse. Things are looking up!

The wages of unhealthiness

Exercising this week has been a real struggle. My body is having problems and it's my fault I've treated it so badly all these years. I've been eating healthy nutritious food and drinking water but these past few days I just have not felt very good. I've been tired and exercising is making me feel a little sick. I have been really working hard during my workouts and stopping when I need to but I just feel lousy. I am proud that I have been pushing through and making good choices. I know that I'm getting to the age of real health problems because of my obesity. I've been blessed that my body is holding up and my blood work and sugar levels are still in slighty high but normal ranges. This won't last forever. Either I stick with this or I get ready for prescriptions and doctor visits. I really don't want that. I feel the pressure to take this super seriously more than I ever have. This week has me worried that I am very close to a turning point. I hope it's the turning point I want and not the problems I've avoided for so long. Feeling motivated by my drearyness. One step closer by exercising today.

Sometimes it's iust about the shoes.

I sweat, then I waited. I sweat, then I waited a little more. Today the inspirational mantra did not appear! And then I glanced in my closet. There they were. The pretty black heels I never wear because it hurts too much to wear high heels. When I didn't want to get back up and keep exercising, there were shoes. Pretty patent leather heels I've had for years. Sometimes all it takes is a pretty pair of shoes.

Waiting for the "aha" moment

Miss me? ...  *crickets*....*tumbleweeds*

It's okay, I get it.

But don't worry dear readers, I didn't disappear again. I got terribly sick (in July! ick) and then it was my birthday trip. So here it is Monday night. Last night I went to bed after thinking, dreaming, analyzing and still ending up in the same maelstrom of confusion. I have come to understand that the morning won't bring understanding. When I sadly considered postponing til Tuesday (I mean isn't Monday bad enough) I realized it's not gonna be any better on Tuesday. I think I keep hoping that if I analyze, and ponder, and strategize, and dream, and plan that the next morning I will wake up with "IT". Call it the "aha" or the shining moment where I  never look back and all my weight loss dreams come true. I think this happens for some people. As I grow and continue to understand myself it's become clear that for me personally, things come slowly or not at all. Now let me be clear, when I do finally learn it, I learn it better and more potently than anyone. I've learned to take pride in that although I move slow, I always move forward. I know people who make leaps and bounds at things but in some things they are stuck, sometimes forever. I am a slow but beautiful bloomer. So this is what I must face. I'm not going to want to do this anymore tomorrow than I did this morning. Today is it. Too bad if it feels like the hardest thing ever pretty much every day. My progress will not show itself in a miraculous prophetic moment. My progress will come when one morning I realize I don't hate it so very much anymore.