Feeling a little blue today

I don't really know how to deal without something sweet to take the edge off. It will officially be a week tomorrow and it feels like I haven't had a carb in years. The cravings aren't as intense but they are certainly still there and now they are incredibly specific. Today it's cupcakes. That delicious frosting and then the spongey cake. The rational part of my brain knows how unimportant cupcakes are to my survival or my happiness but right now part of me just wants one so bad. I am holding in but this month is going to be a huge struggle. Life will never be the same and well two simple words: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't feel like defending myself about every choice to not eat the cookies and crap that will be everywhere. But if by then my body had changed maybe they will see that this time it's serious. I need to meditate. I think despite what I think, I really do better when I have something to do. Blah.

Feeling better. Maybe this won't kill me.

This week has been hard. The world is not arranged for low carb eaters. I was pretty exhausted all week too. The cravings and all the parts of taking something away from an addict nearly made me go crazy. But I think the reality of where I am is giving me a strength to fight. I don't want surgery. I do NOT want surgery. Now please don't think I have am judging people who decide to get the surgery. I think it is an amazing and brave thing to do. It takes a commitment that I honor. And if I can't do this by May it's a choice I am willing to make. So this is it. The last stand. I've gone 5 days and it's been the hardest diet ever. Day by day. I woke up at 9 a.m. and I wanted to get up because I wasn't in a fog. This gives me hope that my body is finding equilibrium and finally burning fat for energy instead of carbohydrates. Burn fat burn!

Emotional Management

I'm having real trouble dealing with my emotions lately. Food has always been the great regulator for me. I don't have sugar and fast carbs to take care of sadness, joy, annoyance, awkwardness and all the other things I think and feel. This week has just been hard and now I want to cry. Like seriously I am sitting at my computer and thoughts are making me almost weepy. I feel lost and alone. I am pretty sure I have some hormonal imbalance too. A person shouldn't feel this many extremes all the time. My life is a rollercoaster even though it's not.

So who am I then?

So the question becomes who am I if I'm not constantly looking forward to my next meal. It can be disheartening when food becomes something to manage, something to juggle. I had to go home last night and make my lunch and dinner at 10:30 last night after a long day. It's easy to throw together a sandwich or a frozen dinner. It gets time consuming using fresh ingredients, low carbs, high fiber, lots of veggies etc. etc. etc. There certainly isn't an expectation of "oooh I can't wait to eat this tomorrow."

So how do I transition to the new me? What is there to think about if I'm not planning my next meal or thinking about going to the snack machine? I can't just not think about food. I have to plan, I have to anticipate, I have to be ready to make the better choice every single day. I can't stop people from bringing cupcakes to work. I can't stop my family from making junk for every meal we have together. I'm the one who has to go in and wage a war with myself. I had a friend yesterday say "well just have a little to help with the craving." Please understand that I am an addict. It doesn't work that way. You don't give an alcoholic a beer, don't give me just a little. The craving won't go away. The neural pathways in my brain have to be rearranged. I have to find a relationship with sweets that is healthy. That starts with the ability to say no. I have a long way to go. Life just seems boring without junk food. But I'm so tired of being trapped by my mind and body. I have to make a choice.