Still feeling down. But eating badly and not exercising certainly won't help me feel better. Not that exercising particulary made me feel good but if I'm gonna feel blah, how about blah AND sweaty.

I feel myself getting stronger during my walks. I should feel good. I just feel like I'm starting like I've started a million times. I don't believe it will continue. I wish I could be all roses and sunshine but that would be a lie. To say I feel motivated would be false.

As I walked today I just chanted "Fight! Fight!" in my head. It got me through. I visualized cheerleaders on the sidewalks. And I did. Today I fought the urge to stop, to rest when I didn't need to. So that was a victory for the day.

Eating right and getting healthier is supposed to make you feel better. I don't feel better. I have that aching place where the food used to go. It is crying out to be pacified. I feel the bad thoughts pushing in. I have no night light to push away the demons. I don't really want to be just myself right now. I'm not hungry. That is rational, the rest of me is not. I want what I want.

I thought the other day about goals people have. I thought about goals for myself. I've finished a great many of them in my life. Then I realized my mind has always had a place for the goal of losing weight. It shocked me to think that I have had a goal for almost 20 years. That seems like a long time to have a goal, especially one that consumes and seems to identify me most of the time. It seems unreal. What would it be like to cross that off my life list? What would it be like to go another 20 years never fulfilling the one thing I have wanted to do most?

On a positive note, the dog and I have been enjoying evening walks. Yesterday I really got sweating. My feet didn't hurt as much and I was able to go farther.

As I was walking I thought "just do more than you think you can and that will be enough."

I made baby steps today. I am trying so hard to not go down the same path of neurotic perfectionism. I know it doesn't work. If I have to try a million different ways then that is what I have to do.

I read somewhere that having AD/HDers schedule their day down to every 30 minutes is a good tool to keep them from the overwhelmingness of days. If you focus on the whole day and what needs to be done it gets too scattered and you end up not doing anything at all. I tried it today and it worked pretty well. I wasn't perfect but I got my laundry started, ate breakfast, filled out a  job application, and took a 30 minute walk. For me that is a pretty awesome day of accomplishment. I'm gonna try it again tomorrow and see how I do.

How do  you push through the pain? the constant no in your head? Brain scientists know that the conscious mind is so very little of why we do what we do. The unconscious mind is who we are. My conscious mind wants to wake up in the morning and take that walk I've been saying I am going to take for weeks now. I can visualize the success, I just can't seem to channel it into action. How can I control what is uncontrollable? I can't fight what I can't see. Someone knock on my unconscious' door and help me out here.

Change. I must find a way to fulfill the possibilities of that one single verb. But I haven't been able to for over 20 years. I am still treading water.