Eating right and getting healthier is supposed to make you feel better. I don't feel better. I have that aching place where the food used to go. It is crying out to be pacified. I feel the bad thoughts pushing in. I have no night light to push away the demons. I don't really want to be just myself right now. I'm not hungry. That is rational, the rest of me is not. I want what I want.

I thought the other day about goals people have. I thought about goals for myself. I've finished a great many of them in my life. Then I realized my mind has always had a place for the goal of losing weight. It shocked me to think that I have had a goal for almost 20 years. That seems like a long time to have a goal, especially one that consumes and seems to identify me most of the time. It seems unreal. What would it be like to cross that off my life list? What would it be like to go another 20 years never fulfilling the one thing I have wanted to do most?

On a positive note, the dog and I have been enjoying evening walks. Yesterday I really got sweating. My feet didn't hurt as much and I was able to go farther.

As I was walking I thought "just do more than you think you can and that will be enough."

I made baby steps today. I am trying so hard to not go down the same path of neurotic perfectionism. I know it doesn't work. If I have to try a million different ways then that is what I have to do.

I read somewhere that having AD/HDers schedule their day down to every 30 minutes is a good tool to keep them from the overwhelmingness of days. If you focus on the whole day and what needs to be done it gets too scattered and you end up not doing anything at all. I tried it today and it worked pretty well. I wasn't perfect but I got my laundry started, ate breakfast, filled out a  job application, and took a 30 minute walk. For me that is a pretty awesome day of accomplishment. I'm gonna try it again tomorrow and see how I do.

How do  you push through the pain? the constant no in your head? Brain scientists know that the conscious mind is so very little of why we do what we do. The unconscious mind is who we are. My conscious mind wants to wake up in the morning and take that walk I've been saying I am going to take for weeks now. I can visualize the success, I just can't seem to channel it into action. How can I control what is uncontrollable? I can't fight what I can't see. Someone knock on my unconscious' door and help me out here.

Change. I must find a way to fulfill the possibilities of that one single verb. But I haven't been able to for over 20 years. I am still treading water.

Stillness

I will find the place inside me that is true and still. I will settle myself into this place no matter what I must fight on my journey there. And there on that pinpoint of light I will balance myself. And here in this absolute balance, I will release the past and the burdens on my heart. Here I will see clearly. My mirror will be the voice of my heart, unfettered by the voices of others or the guilt of a life of weighty imperfection. My creator will find me here, and in a language my weak senses can't grasp, will speak to me of peace. My creator will empty me of tears unshed and of measurements of worth. My hands will unclasp and I will surrender all.

What am I really hungry for?

It's late. I'm NOT hungry, physically speaking. But my mind is telling me to eat. No food even sounds good. I keep trying to think of something that might taste good. The neural pathways in my brain are so set for this, even the blatant reality of my physical being can't get it to stop. Normally this sends me into a tizzy of warning bells and gets my mind spinning, wondering "How can I ever get this to stop?!?!" I'm hungry for something. I'm hungry for a life where I feel purposeful. The pit where I throw the food will never be filled. But for the life of me I don't have much to hold onto right now. At least for today I'm calm about it. And finally, today, I don't hate myself for it.