Eating right and getting healthier is supposed to make you feel better. I don't feel better. I have that aching place where the food used to go. It is crying out to be pacified. I feel the bad thoughts pushing in. I have no night light to push away the demons. I don't really want to be just myself right now. I'm not hungry. That is rational, the rest of me is not. I want what I want.

I thought the other day about goals people have. I thought about goals for myself. I've finished a great many of them in my life. Then I realized my mind has always had a place for the goal of losing weight. It shocked me to think that I have had a goal for almost 20 years. That seems like a long time to have a goal, especially one that consumes and seems to identify me most of the time. It seems unreal. What would it be like to cross that off my life list? What would it be like to go another 20 years never fulfilling the one thing I have wanted to do most?

On a positive note, the dog and I have been enjoying evening walks. Yesterday I really got sweating. My feet didn't hurt as much and I was able to go farther.