Every day a new day

Yesterday was the pits. My battery in my car died and I spent my last dimes on it. This just sent me into a tailspin of self-pity and loathing. I didn't go crazy (luckily there is no junk food in this house) but I didn't exercise and I totally blew off the last day of my water challenge. So today I have to decide to pull myself together and focus on this one thing. I'm doing my best to work and stay frugal. My number one priority has got to be my health right now. I lost sight of that yesterday, big time! 2012 is going to be a long year but its my healthy year. I've come to the end of the line. The path to prescriptions and hospital stays is getting far too close. I have a job and a place to live. My excuses can't find places to stay in my mind anymore. Walking around the block is free. I have plenty of food. Does my body hurt? Yes, it does. Thats not gonna change until I decide to push through it. I've sat in the starting gate for too many years. It's not like I've had a great time being fat and I can guarantee I'm gonna have a great time slimmer. I've reinvested in myself.

Suited up for Monday

I'm rather glad the weekend is over. I don't know why. I guess I need the reality of Monday. It's time to find a job and its time to get exercising. I'm in the midst of a weekly mission called H20 which I started Wednesday but  I really want to start my weekly missions on good ol' Monday so I'm going to overlap a couple days. Weekly Mission #2 is an exercise mission. The mission (which I have chosen to accept) is to take a 30 minute walk everyday. My mission will be successful if I do 6 out of 7 days. It's crucial I get going on the exercise because my days are incredibly sedentary. It has always been the toughest piece of the weight loss puzzle for me. I think its good to put a specific (but small) goal to it. Something has to get me started. So here I go.

I won't apologize

Yes, I went out last night. Yes, I had a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and two beers. Yes, I had ice cream too. I can't be a perfectionist. I really wish I could. I give much kudos to those out there who diet without ever "cheating." I have to admit it felt good to just enjoy good company and good food. Here's where it gets sticky. Am I back on track today? Yes, so far I am. I refuse to give in to panic mode and just give up. I made a conscious choice last night to enjoy myself. I don't get out much and I feel so much tension released last night. Now most of that was getting to see my friends and be my out loud bad-ass self. But this is where the rubber hits the road. I won't apologize for last night. I did nothing wrong. I plan on eating "bad" food in my future. But the lesson I have to learn is how to pick up and go right back to dieting. I know I can do this. It's time and I'm ready. So you won't see me put my head in the sand and run away. I will look at last nights actions in a solid balanced frame of mind. Progress, not perfection. I am the mother f#%king tortoise.

Chugging (water) along!

So day two of the H20 mission is going well. (Mental note: Buy more toilet paper) I actually drank 6 bottles today. It has gotten a little tiring having to drop trough every what seems like 5 minutes. I am also doing my best to keep upping the veggie count. I absolutely love all the convenient options available at the store. Fresh spinach in a bag, why yes thank you. Today I enjoyed the "Rainbow Salad" mix with some ranch. Just call me the fibernator. I know I'm kind of rambly today but I mostly just wanted to post something. I did also enjoy some chocolate today. Unfortunately they came off my weekly points but I did stop after a serving so I'm proud of that. Well I was hoping to come out with some great pearl of wisdom but thats obviously not going to happen so I'm just gonna call it a night. Good night blogosphere!

Mission H20

I'm really good at opening my mouth. Seriously, I love to talk and I love to eat. I try not to do the last two at the same time but it happens. I can flap my gums like a pro. So you think that I would be able to open my mouth and put water in it quite easily. Well apparently not. Of all the diet strategies around there seems to be one piece of irrefutable dieting advice. Drink Water. So here we go. It's time. From Wednesday to Wednesday I am going to push myself to drink as much water as I can. Now all us good dieters know that its not good to drink all our water at once but to drink constantly through the day. I have a large size water bottle (apparently from Office Depot). I've already had 3 today and I plan to track them on my blog. So here I go. Chug! Chug! Chug!

Consistency conscitcesy cosnsitecy

Doing the same thing at the same time over and over again hmmmmm...... not my strong suit. I never wake up at the same time unless forced to by a job. I never eat at the same time etc. etc. I've noticed before but not put too much thought into it (I'm shocked too. Now where the tupperware should go, that I've pondered). Counting points bring this into sharp focus. Somedays I parcel out my points well with 6 small meals, very correct like. Now days like today, I count my points, but don't work to eat consistently. So here I am at the end of the day with lots of points to eat. Part of me is like Yippee!!! The smart part knows that it's better than the alternative but probably not the best way of going about things. Now I'm not going to complain about getting to have a field day in the pantry but since I'm in the healthy mindset its a little less fun. I also know that its better than the went crazy and blew it all option.

I am incredibly proud of last night. I did go out and eat what I want. I planned well and was able to use my points and not go over. What I'm proud of is that I actually came home and made sure to input all my points into my calculator. I even have 15 weekly points left, which I don't plan on using. This tracking on days where I know I'm going over is a new step in the right direction for me. I usually just don't track the rest of the day. But I decided to be accountable. NSV if I do say so myself. Well now I'm going to make a big glass of water and go finish my points (oh the horror!)

Paving a road in my mind

I'm sitting here trying to sort out all the points I want to make, all the things I want to sort out in my mind. I'm tired of being so serious in my head. I want to live out loud a little. I guess thats part of the reason I write a blog. To share.

We come to a point where we must turn around and face the things that make us who we are and do what we do. Now I'm not talking about judgement, just really looking into the darkness I like to throw carbs at. And the carbs work to an extent. For a moment, things make sense. There is goodness and pleasure and a reason to be here. These moments have there place. A good meal is truly one of life's pleasures. But for some of us, this joyous thing starts to turn. It's like coping mechanisms that help us get through painful childhoods. They are merciful and they help us stay sane. But then we get to adulthood and the mechanisms turn into barriers and walls and cages of their own. So now I sit here on the fourth day on Weight Watchers. I have budgeted my points well. I have not gone hungry. But I want to eat. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and restless in my mind. So for today I decide to turn around and not run from it. This is a good step and  it will make me stronger. But it's difficult sitting in a stew of my own thoughts and worries and hopes and questions. It's time to go even further than that. Not just reactive but proactive.

I stand up and I say "why?" Why am I here defying my rational mind. It knows that the desire to eat is a falsehood, a trap. My body is not hungry. Somewhere deep in my cells my body is actually happy for me. I've put the right amount of food in my body and I gave it nutrients. This is good. But my brain has been wired for too long. No matter how much I wish them away, the connections will never truly be gone. I have to make new ones and make them stronger. Food addiction is a solid dirt road in my mind. I must start to pave a new path. Choices get made whether I acknowledge them or not. Pushing the reality down with cheesecake doesn't erase the fact that I chose it. I have to keep pushing for answers. I have to keep pushing to take the time to make new paths in my brain. Food will always be the easier choice. Feelings and pain and life is much harder. I want to eat because I'm scared. I must stand in my truth and look into the face of my fear. Today I will stand up for myself, to myself. I am greater than the connections in my brain. I am greater than the failure I let myself tell myself I am. I will be strong amongst my fears and I will lie down next to them and show them that tonight I will sleep without a cheesecake safety blanket.